Tomorrow is Friday at the ol’ office, which means
Yey! You know what else is tomorrow?
HAHAHA!! Killer day — nice. If you and your mid-30s-but-still-playing-20-something pals are heading out to a cabin in the woods this weekend, please remember to NOT BE STUPID! Here are some tips to keep you alive in the woods:
- Don’t head out alone
Masked killers look for loners because they too are lonely and live on the fringes of society. Unfortunately, they can’t seem to subdue their urge to kill long enough to open up and befriend another lonely soul. Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there is a key to finding happiness! Just don’t be physically vulnerable when you’re alone in the backcountry.
- Avoid dark cellars
If it is absolutely necessary to enter a cellar, say your power has gone out and you need to flip a breaker, take a flashlight/lantern and a buddy down with you. Always, always, take a buddy. Always. Someone weak who you can outrun.
- Wear sensible footwear
Listen, I get it, Crocs are comfy. Sure. But you know what’s not? BEING CHAINSAWED! Flip-flops and high heels = certain death. Bring good sneakers, preferably Velcro, and keep them on the whole time.
- Stormy weather plans
If it’s looking like a dark and stormy night, head back to town. Just do it. Pay for a hotel room. It might be expensive (peak summer season), but honestly, can you put a price on staying alive? [CUE: Bee Gees] You don’t want to be the one who draws the shortest straw (or whatever kids do nowadays to decide who’s going to inevitably die) and has to go out to start up the emergency generator in a torrential downpour. 1-2-3-NOT IT!
- Avoid towns with a history
If the cabin you are heading to is on the outskirts of a town with a history of paranormal activity, a series of unsolved murders, or that is near an old asylum, CHANGE YOUR PLANS! It may sound adventurous now, but it sure won’t when you hear that hook hand tapping on the windows when it’s pitch black outside. Just because there’s a true crime podcast about a town, doesn’t mean it’s a safe weekend destination.
- Read the signs
Don’t second guess your gut. If you arrive and the cabin has antique fishing paraphernalia hanging on the walls (hooks, harpoons, etc.), get out before the sun goes down. If the road to the cabin is “out” or it’s overgrown because no one has driven it in decades, turn around. If at any point you have to cross a mist-covered bridge of any sort, question your life choices. In all likelihood, the universe will tell you you’ll get murdered before you actually get murdered, so keep an eye out.
So there you go. You’re welcome.