Snow Jeans and the Seven Pockets

Good Thursday to everyone!  For today’s Jeans Day Weekly,  I’ll be doing you all a favour by introducing you to some of the hottest denim trends for 2020.

Two-Tone Jeans
You’re not a one-tone person, so why should your jeans be?!  Get out there and show the world that you ARE interesting!  Or confused.  Both??!  Yes.

2tone

High-Waisted Pleated Jeans
13-year-old me would be mortified if I had to wear these.  But nowadays it seems like all the worst parts of my teenage years are now cool.  WHAT A FREAKING NIGHTMARE!

high waist

Scarecrow Jeans
For scaring crows.  I don’t know why else you’d buy these. Court jesting??  Camouflage with neutral Lego blocks??

scarecrow

Cargo Jeans
(See previous comment about worst parts of my teenage years)
In 2020, these are referred to as “utility pants”.  Ha!  Nice try, FASHION.  I can see right through your ploy. They’re just ugly ol’ cargo pants all over again.

Denim on Denim on Denim
You like jeans?  PROVE IT.  Let’s see all the denim you own as a ONE OUTFIT.

men

This…

this   is fashun, honey.

BONUS:  Mirrors
If you’re the type of person who walks around the world with TOO MUCH confidence, then try wearing this.  How confident do you feel now?  We can’t see this model’s eyes, but they’re probably rolling around as he’s thinking, “ohhh my gawwwd, this is so embarrassing. Why do they make me do thiiiiis?”

mirrors

Then goes home for a warm champagne bath and rolls around on a bed of $1000 bills.
With all this in mind, I can’t wait to see everyone’s jean game this year.

Crocodile Dungarees

Welcome to Thursday, the day before JEANS DAY!

Those Australian bushfires, huh?  Just devastating.  I feel rather useless and helpless watching what is happening down there, so I guess the best thing to do is to donate to an organization (or two) to help fight the fires and/or rebuild after the fires.

Just to put it into perspective, if the total area of the Australian fire devastation was superimposed over Vancouver, it would look like this:

Vancouver

Ouch.  That’s a huge chunk of land burnt to a crisp.
Many people have lost their homes, their lives, billions of animals have been killed, habitat and land ruined.  In my sweet, fluffy life I too have lost a few things:

My favourite earring to the vacuum.
This happened just last weekend.  I was devastated very bothered.  Why must I be SO CLEAN?!  Lesson learned.

My Universal Studios t-shirt circa 1995.
It was my pride and joy.  It was my only “cool” shirt — which probably gives WAY too much insight into how absolutely not cool I was in grade 5.  Some things never change!  And then one day it was just gone.  My mom says she doesn’t know what happened to it, but I wore that shirt every other day, so I think she tossed it in an attempt to challenge me to branch out, shirt-wise.

tshirt

My patience.  Everyday.
Too relatable?!  Remember to breathe.

patience

The $60 I got selling a handsome storage bench that then fell out of my pocket when I went grocery shopping immediately after.
Bummer.

My marbles.
This isn’t being clever, like “oh, I lost my marbles and had a nervous breakdown”.  No, I actually lost my marble collection in grade 5 (hmmm, tough year).  They were in a multi-coloured neon fanny pack (of course) that also mysterious vanished.  Have you seen them!?  Starting to think I need to have a serious discussion with my mother.

images  <–  (dramatic reenactment)

 Ok, but this isn’t about me and my trivial issues.
In all seriousness, most of us probably cannot even begin to fathom what Australia is going through and will continue to go through for years to come.  So let’s be thankful for our wet weather!  And donate to an organization that speaks to you.

2020: A Jeans Odyssey

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!  Hope you all had a fun, restful (??), joyous holiday! Let’s celebrate with the first JEANS DAY of the decade tomorrow!

I was surprised to learn that the City wasn’t doing a fireworks show for New Years this year.  Not that I was looking to do anything outside for NYE since, you may have noticed, it was pretty gross out there.

no fireworks

And now…an open letter to the City of Vancouver Department of Pyrotechnics…

To Whom It May Concern:

What’s this?  No fireworks for NYE?!  At first I was shocked to learn this, but upon further reflection, I began to understand.  Let me begin by stating that I really love fireworks.  Those colourfully choreographed explosions fill me with a child-like sense of wonder.  But now I am a grizzled adult and willing to admit that the citizens of Vancouver may find greater value in other items being shot into the night sky.  For your consideration, here are five things more useful to launch into the sky to ring in the New Year:

  1. Fitness memberships

Listen, our office had a bake sale for charity. There was TONS of baking… and we sold it all and made a LOT of money.  A shocking amount.  While it’s true that the people I work with are ravenous beasts, the holidays are generally a time of eating, drinking, and getting jolly bellies.  Then, perhaps in some alcohol-induced moment of clarity, we dream up these ambitious fitness goals for January.  So how about an explosion of free fitness memberships raining from the skies?! You would have more than just a bunch of seniors using your facilities, and we wouldn’t feel bad about abandoning the gym in 6 weeks.  Win-win!

1card

2.  Journals

Proven to improve productivity, goal setting, and… other things successful people (such as yourself, I assume, as you are the Head of Pyrotechnics for the City of Vancouver) do, is journaling!  For our deepest thoughts and emotions, and writing about how we really feel about this city at any given moment.  Admittedly though, the pointy corners could be a liability issue when they’re falling from the sky.  You don’t want the first thing people journal about to be their blindness.  L

journal

3.  Money

Who couldn’t use an extra few hundred thousand bucks this time of the year?!  Imagine it exploding out of a giant novelty cannon and raining from the sky as people frantically try to get their mitts on it like in those money wind booths!  Chaos would ensue, but with the cost of living so high in this city, it would be nice to give something back to these hard-working people, wouldn’t it Mr. Scrooge?

4.  Cold medicine, hand sanitizer, & Kleenex

Oh, you’re not sick right now?  That’s too bad because eeeeeveryone is doing it.  My coughs echoed through our empty office Monday morning, and then slowly more and more coughs and sneezes could be heard adding to the symphony of snot around here.  So this just a practical option that I think would really be appreciated.  Perhaps as little gift baskets floating down to the people by tiny parachutes, à la the Hunger Games.  What’s that, you haven’t seen it because you’re an adult?  Well, teen fiction is the maturity level I most closely identify with, so I guess that’s why I have these creative ideas and you don’t.

5.  Receipts for the gifts you secretly want to return without hurting anyone’s feelings

We all do it; you tell your family you don’t want any gifts because you already have everything you want/need.  Then you inevitably get some weird kitchen gadget you’ll never use.  Or you request one very specific thing, but what you end up getting is your mom’s interpretation of that – which is to say it’s not at all the thing you wanted.  But because we’re all SUCH kind people and don’t want to break any hearts, we smile and keep all the useless things. 

This idea is just slightly more fantastical than the others, but if have any favours to call in, I’d spend them on this:  Imagine a world where, on New Years Eve, the clock strikes 12 midnight and little fairies break into your home (but everyone is ok with it) and leave the receipts for those gifts under your pillow.  MAGIC! 

These are just a handful of ideas that I thought might be useful in planning next year’s NYE celebrations.  I have a lot of other ideas for ways the City can incorporate more pyrotechnic displays.  Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you’d like to hear more.

Sincerely,

Vanessa L.

Miracle on 34th Jeans

Can you even BELIEVE that 2019 is almost wrapped?!  I cannot.  And today is the last Jeans Day Weekly of the year.

Now for a little game I like to call “What Your Holiday Decorations Say About You!”

Garlands and wreaths and wreaths and garlands

garland

You’re traditional and Christmas is a BIG deal to you — and it had better be for everyone else too!  Also you’re from a very rich family who heads to Hawaii on Boxing Day.  You live a life that I will never know, but constantly dream about.

This type of thing

pinterest

There’s a Pinterest mom in this house and she wants you to know it!  Decorations for any and all occasions.   Halloween? Obviously.  Labour Day?  Love a challenge.  Bastille Day?  Mais oui!

Inflatable Things

inflatable

Listen, at least you tried.  You’re not creative, that much is obvious, but the effort is somewhat there.  Some might call you lazy, but you know time is money and that thing takes itself down, so who looks stupid now?!

The Wreath

wreath

Just a wreath.  You live in an apartment or condo and this is what you put on your door.  You care about being festive, but you don’t have a yard to express yourself.  All you have is 2 square feet of vertical circular space in which to perfectly convey your creativity and dedication to the season.  Just imagine what it looks like BEHIND that door.

Nativity

nativity

You say “Merry Christmas” to anyone and everyone so that they remember what this is all about.  And I mean EVERYONE.

Lighted Woodland Creatures

classy

You think you’re classy.  You don’t want to overdo it with the holiday decorations because it’ll take away from the magazine-worthy exterior you have already created for the rest of the year.  But slowly the charming creatures start to win you over, and the next thing you know it’s May and they are still on your lawn.

Candy Themed Decorations

creepy

You are a straight up creep.

Everything

everything

“What’s that?  Canadian Tire is having a sale?!”  Then you bought everything.
This is your house from December 1 – January 2.  You are competitive.  People come from all over town to gawk at the majestic monstrosity you have created to flex your holiday muscles.  And the neighbours dare not challenge you.
Your power bill?  Who cares, IT’S CHRISTMAS AND YOU’RE THE BEST!

Jean-gle All the Way

Happy Friday Eve to you all!  Tomorrow is the first Jeans Day of December!

Now that it’s December and the holiday festivities are officially in full swing, it seems like there will be nothing but parties and lunches and get-togethers for the next month.  And since you can’t show up empty handed to a party/lunch/get-together, and figuring out something useful and unique is hard, I’ve compiled a handy list of perfect holiday party host gifts!

barbie - Copy<– not anyone at our office holiday party…

1.  Tylenol & Advil

Tis the season of spirited libations and…hangovers!  Weekend, weekday, midday – you name it!  Bring your party host a bottle of each.  Something a host can truly use, and you too when you inevitably attend back-to-back events and need a cure. Everyone wins!

TyAd - Copy

2.  A Bushel of Veggies

You know when you get to that point in the holidays when you actually start to crave vegetables?  That’s when your body is truly desperate for nutrients.
With visions of sugar plums dancing in our heads, and bellies, it can be hard to remember what nutrition tastes like.  Perhaps your host might enjoy a bouquet of fresh vegetables.

veg - Copy

3.  An extra hour of sleep

Daylight savings time would be better to end in December.  That way when people are walking around wearing their sunglasses inside because they have headaches, at least there was an opportunity to have just one extra hour of rest before heading to work.

4. Stretchy pants

Ahhh, the gift that keeps on giving.  Being comfortable during this time of the year is a high priority, whether you are a host or a guest.  It’s hard to screw up getting the right size, AND they’ll be the only pants you can fit into in the New Year, so they are essential.  Plus they make for CUTE family photos.

pants

5.  The gift of your company in February when everyone retreats to their caves again

Sure everyone wants to party and spend time with you now, but what about in February when the days have been dark and rainy for the last four months and everyone is suddenly on a budget?  Instead of retreating to your Netflix blanket fort alone every night, invite a friend to join you.  BYOB (bring your own blankie) and stretchy pants!  And don’t you DARE tell me you are too old to build blanket forts!  Even Queen Elizabeth II builds blanket forts for her and her corgies*.  Have you watched the new season of The Crown?!  Because she has*!  While wearing stretchy pants* from INSIDE A BLANKET FORT*.

* Not necessarily fact-based.  Assumption-based.

Jeansinator 2: Shopping Day

Happy Thursday my dungaree darlings!
It just occurred to me this week that it’s now holiday shopping time – the worst part of the holidays.  As of next week and Black Friday, this will be our reality:

mall

The thought of a shopping mall makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  I am allergic to malls during the holidays, but instead of breaking out into hives or anaphylactic shock, I instantly get overheated, need to go to the bathroom, and am starving – you know, like an ornery toddler.  So before I leave to do any shopping, I do 3 to 30 push-ups, pray to my survivalist goddess:

sarah

(In Her arm strength we trust)
…then lay out all my supplies and do a Wes Anderson-esque checklist montage, saying each item out loud in a monotone voice.

123

Please feel free to do this supply montage for yourself.  And good luck out there.

A Jeans to Remember…

Happy Thursday everyone!  It’s a long weekend coming up with Monday being November 11th, Remembrance Day, so what ridiculous things can I say related to that?!  Well, none.

It took me a while to truly understand and appreciate what wearing a poppy means.  I was probably about 20 years old — that’s an awkward confession – when I starting reflecting on it.  The first time I remember hearing about a war was the Gulf War in the 90s, and it wasn’t anywhere near Canada.  I don’t personally know anyone who has served in any war, let alone WWI or WWII.   And the wars didn’t really affect me in any way…

Or so I thought.

My maternal grandparents came to Canada as Polish refugees after WWII.  My grandmother lived with her family on a refugee camp in war-torn Poland.  My grandfather had to work as a truck driver, among other things, for the Germans.  I’m told they smuggled people out of camps in the trucks and helped them flee the country.  They fought for their own lives and the lives of others’ because that’s what humans should do for each other.  If they hadn’t survived all that, I wouldn’t exist.  So I wear my poppy for them.

I imagine all these nations coming together, their armies working side by side, toward the common goal of defeating an evil force in our world.  I imagine the sense of urgency and patriotic duty that a 15-year-old boy must have felt to lie about his age so that he could serve his country.  I imagine being in one of these concentration camps and seeing American, British, Canadian soldiers coming to liberate you from hell.  I mean, I can’t really imagine any of this.  None of us can.  Because thanks to so many brave people, we get to live in a country that is free of war and genocide, doesn’t have a corrupt government, has clean water and food.  We have rights, health care, education, opportunities because we don’t have to worry about the daily task of STAYING ALIVE.

So on Monday, let’s think about all the soldiers, past and present, all those citizens who rebuilt cities, all the refugees who fled with nothing but the shirts on their backs, families who hid friends and helped people flea, and all that was sacrificed to create this (mostly) beautiful world that we live in now, just so that we can wake up in the morning to think about frivolous things like iPhones.  On Monday, let’s think about all the good in the world and how to perpetuate that.

poppy

Into the Jeans

Here we are back to the regularly scheduled JEANS DAY WEEKLY!
This Sunday is Take a Hike Day, celebrating the great outdoors!  Around these parts, it’s going to be a soggy wet mess, with rain forecasted for the whole weekend.  So…

What could possibly be better than hiking in the rain, you ask?!

  1.  Spend a Saturday afternoon holiday shopping in Metrotown mall.

You want to be warm and dry?  Oh, you will be.  Between your many layers of clothing and the dense crowds, you’ll be sweating like a walrus in Hawaii.  Then you’ll get hangry and before you know it, you’ve turned into an angry Hulk-esque creature triggered by Christmas carols.  Then comes the rampage… you get it.

shop

2.  Have dental work done.

Don’t put it off any longer, THIS is the weekend to have your mouth drilled and poked.  What else do you have planned?  Hiking?  Ha!

dental

3.  Try doing some electrical work at home – with the power ON.

This could be the weekend you finally try installing a new light fixture by yourself.  Experts recommend just winging it, trial and error.  By getting that jolt of electricity in your bones, you basically get the same adrenaline rush as a hike, but it’s MUCH warmer and drier.  Added bonuses are the home improvements and potentially a rockin’ new hair-do.

elec

4.  Get in a fun little fender-bender.

Why not, right!?  No one gets hurt, but you get the honour of dealing with ICBC for MONTHS to come!  It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

icbc

5.  Get the chicken pox.

Come on, they aren’t THAT bad.  Not as bad as hiking in the rain.

pox

(I had to use a cartoon picture because real images of chicken pox are disgusting.  I care too much to hurt you like that.)

I think I’ve actually convinced myself that a hike in the rain would be a little better than any of these things… but it’s probably too late for me though, I’ve already jinxed myself!  😦  Learn from my mistakes!!

Beetlejeans

Happy Thursday, my little pretties.
There are many Halloweeny things going on this weekend.  Lots of haunted houses and parties full of ghosts, zombies, witches, and other fantastical things.  But here are some truly terrifying, nightmare-inducing, all too real haunted house themes – for the adults.

High School Reunion Theme

Remember when you were in high school and you were awkward and greasy and didn’t have a real sense of who you were as a person?  Come and relive that all over again, but 20 years later and it’s a dry event!  And in this terrifying scenario of your haunting past, everyone you went to high school with is doing really well and looking very good. You are not.  You are sober as hell, still awkward, especially greasy, and probably wearing Spanx.

school2

Losing-everything-and-having-to-move-back-home-with-your-aging-parents Theme

It’s not the worst thing in the world.  They love you so much, of COURSE they’ll take you in.  #blessed   They won’t even ask you for any rent.  But you have to ask to borrow the car.  You have to check in with them every time you go out or come home and who were you with and where did you go and who’s coming to pick you up??  Dinner is at 5:30 sharp every day.  Loud news networks are on the TV 16 hours a day.  You’re a teenager again trapped in an adult’s body.  Goodbye love life, hello celibacy.  What. A. NIGHTMARE.

parents2

Go-to-Ikea-on-a-Saturday-afternoon-to-get-one-Kallax-bookcase-and-having-to-transport-it-on-the-Skytrain-BY-YOURSELF Theme

This house of horrors has it all.  Crowds; cumbersome items;  public transit; a stranger’s wet sneezes; a lot of walking; and no one around to hear your screams!  Then you get all the way home, a transit journey that took two hours, and realize that the box is missing two screws.  Noooooo!!!

box

Learning-your-mother-was-right-about-EVERYTHING-and-her-being-there-for-your-realization Theme

Sweet baby Jesus.  This terror mansion wouldn’t be so bad if Mother wasn’t there, but to see her face as she basks in the glory of your defeat and the symphony of “I told you so-s” that would ensue… I already feel sick at the thought.  May no one ever have to experience this in real life.

mom1

Having-every-single-dietary-restriction-in-a-world-where-only-McDonald’s-exists Theme

Dairy.  Gluten.  Nuts.  Meat and animal products.  Soy.  Canola oil.  MSG.  You’re allergic to them ALL.  You are forced to sustain yourself on wet shredded lettuce that smells like Big Macs for the rest of your days.  What’s it wet with?  Who knows?!  OOOooooooOOOooo!!

The Music Recital Theme

In this inescapable waking nightmare, you are at your kid’s music recital.  Not so bad, you think?  The instrument is the RECORDER!!  And there are 30 of them, all playing the same song, Hot Cross Buns, on an endless loop, at a variety of tempos.  The squealing starts to take hold of your sanity.  But you can’t leave because you LOVE THAT KID… or do you?  Are you crying tears of blood??

recorder

Sweet dreams.

The Haunting of Jeans House

Good afternoon, one and all!  Just a friendly reminder that tomorrow is JEANS DAY!  Soon enough we’ll all be carving pumpkins, or I will be at least, so here is some inspiration for you.

jason

Sweet babely Jason Sudeikis pumpkin.  I NEED someone to carve this one so I can kiss it on the lips. Much appreciated, thanks.

zombie 2

If you have a giant pumpkin lying around your yard, you could whip this up in an hour, easy pleezy! Emotional inspiration?  Think, all your life’s regrets manifested as a pumpkin.  Then that pumpkin grows and grows until you can’t even fathom moving it anymore.  THEN all those regrets and poor decisions and negative feelings BURST from within manifested as adult-onset anxiety!!  The HORROR!!

dino

Here’s an idea if we pool all our pumpkin resources.  We can make a life-sized Triceratops!  Then the movie-making people upstairs will see it and no doubt be hugely inspired to create a dinosaur Halloween movie with Jason Sudeikis voicing the hunky lead dino, and it’ll win all the Golden Globes and Oscars and WE’LL be the ones to thank for bringing such joy and brilliant creativity to the world!  Who’s in?!

thing

A Jack-o-Lantern deconstructed reconstruction.  It’s the Thing AND he’s wearing jeeeaaaans!  This looks like a split second snapshot just as he starts to explode from the inside.

BEWARE:  The carver becomes the carved.

munch

The judges are expecting realism, people.  This isn’t kindergarten safety scissors jack-o-lantern giggle time.

full body

Whoops!  How’d that get in here?!?  That’s just… never mind, it’s nothing.  This guy – my soulmate—whatever — sent me this after— bleh!  Not important.  I have weird taste and he gets me.

ANYWAY… tomorrow, Jeans.  Wear ’em.