Cloudy with a Chance of Jeanballs

Happy Friday, ya turkeys!  Now that Black Friday descends heavily upon us this November 26th, American hereby declared to the world that the countdown to Christmas has officially begun.  I feel the last remaining drops of reasonable purchasing judgment seeping out of my eyeballs as tears.  Ahhh, consumerism.  But hey, I got a good deal on a new couch, so… 

I can’t help but think about turkeys at this time of year.  Not as the cornerstone to a festive meal, but as the founders of modern denim.  Yes, you read that correctly and it’s quite a story. So gather ‘round children, Nana Nessy has a tale to tell… 

Once upon a time, long before the time of humans, turkeys ruled the Earth.  You’ve heard the theories that dinosaurs had feathers?  Well, those were actually the very earliest turkeys, and they ruled these lands with an iron beak.  Rafters of turkeys (that’s what a group of them is called) roamed the great plains in search of berries to nibble on and nothing could come between them and their berries.  Nothing — except a nasty atmospheric river.  As everyone knows, turkeys truly despise getting their plumage wet because then they can’t fly up to the highest branches of the trees for sleepy time.

Luckily the rafter’s clairvoyant turkey, known as Tom the Seer, announced the imminent coming of a rain storm so torrential that they would be damp for upwards of two days.  “That’s two days we won’t be able to rule over our territory and will have to sleep on the ground like common Stegosaurs!” gobbled the matriarch hen.  “How will terrorize the flightless Pachycephalosaurus without a good night’s sleep?!”  

That’s when a wide-eyed turkey chick named Maybelline piped up.  “Um…I might have an idea.”  The rafter was silenced and turned curiously to acknowledge her.  “Well what is it, Maybelline?” probed the Matriarch.  “Well, um, what if we fashion ourselves some coverings for our wings and legs with these large leaves to protect us from the cold and rain?  I’ve actually already designed a prototype and they work very well.”  Maybelline revealed her leaf suit and quickly climbed into it.  “I call it a Denin because it when you wear it you don’t have to be stuck in a den.  You can live everyday like it’s fear-mongering Friday.”  

Perplexed turkeys stared at Maybelline in silence for a moment before erupting in applause at her innovative idea!  “An ingenious idea, young Maybelline!” praised the Matriarch.  “And fear-monger we shall, protecting our sweet berries from all other species.” 

The turkeys spent the rest of the day gathering sturdy leaves and creating their variations of the Denin suits.  Maybelline quickly raised up the ranks in the rafter, becoming a top gobbler in the areas of science and technology.  

And so the very first iteration of denim was invented by none other than a young prehistoric turkey.   Something to truly give thanks for every Friday when we climb into our jeans for work. 

THE JEANING DAYLIGHTS

Happy Jeans Day my friends. I hope you are wearing your finest freshly pressed jeans to work today.

In this modern age of convenience, there are, of course, many things that have become useless.  Things that were perhaps useful at one time, but no longer serve a purpose and are now considered antiquated.  For example:

• Fax machines – ever heard of email?
• The human appendix – does it exist just to make us sick??
• Laser discs
• That weird cable that is USB at one end and something else on the other end.  It doesn’t fit a phone or the TV or anything else that needs charging.  What is that damn thing for?!
• Male nipples, and… 
• Daylight saving time

Besides fax machines which some offices still consider a valid form of communication, the only other thing on this list that truly infuriates and befuddles me is DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME — which is happening this Sunday, November 7th.  

Why?  WHY? Whhhhhyyy?!  We no longer work by candlelight or rely on the light of the sun to live our lives, so who are we saving this daylight for?  So calendar makers have something to write in the square for the first Sunday in November?  We are going to have slightly more daytime in the morning which means when we get home from work, it’ll be the dead of night.  I honestly cannot think of another reason why it exists anymore.  Yes, this Sunday we gain an extra hour, but it’s an illusion.  A lie!  It’s just borrowed time from the Spring!  That extra hour to sleep in is really just an excuse to laze the entire day away after staying up extra late on Saturday.  Admit it.  

Things you think you’ll do with the extra hour:

• Workout!
• Well thought out grocery shop
• Meal prep for the week
• Clean behind fridge and stove
• Organize storage closet
• Scrub bathroom
• Finish reading that book you started in March
• Organize all the photos on phone and computer into folders, prepare and order photo books, and save photos to an external hard drive for future generations to enjoy

What you actually do with the extra hour: 

• Eat an entire bag of chips to myself
• Fall asleep watching Ted Lasso
• Order take out

Just me?  
If anything, we’re probably more productive when daylight saving starts in the Spring and we lose an hour.  Then we feel like we have to be extra productive to get all the things done in what seems like a 4 hour day.  The weekend is cut practically in HALF because we lose that hour!  It’s a panic!  Line ups at the store for canned goods and toilet paper.  You clean your house as if your mother-in-law is coming over because you won’t get another chance this week since each year it seems the days get shorter AND SHORTER!  And then the next thing you know, it’s Sunday night and you have to go to work again the next day — it’s INHUMANE!  

“Get outta my way! Don’t you know I have 1 less hour to LIVE MY LIFE today?!”
“I need Costco hot dogs to cope!”
“I’m so stressed about daylight saving time that I might poop myself to death!”

I guess I just don’t feel the need to hang on to practices that no longer serve our society.  You’ll come around though.  You will.  Heed my words.  When this Sunday evening rolls around and you are taking inventory of your day, how will you have used that “extra” hour?  Did you meal prep and get ripped?  Yeah, didn’t think so.

In the Garden of Jeans & Evil

Welcome to JULY!  It’s Thursday, which means tomorrow is Friday Jeans Day!

As I was frolicking through the sun-drenched meadows of the internet this week, I stumbled upon a veritable minefield.  In this adorable, modern DIY world, it seems that some people have gone too far and are making – PLANTERS OUT OF JEANS!

WARNING: The following images are horrifying and may offend your senses.

If you share in a community garden, this gently informs fellow gardeners that there are consequences for stealing/damaging your plants.  (It involves death, dismemberment, and stuffing)

It’s also not fair that my jeans might look better as a planter than on my own sweet, sweet buns.

Nothing says “Welcome to our home!” like stringing up the lower half of a BODY and forcing it up against a tree.  Sheesus.

Bahahaha!  Look at this little comedian with that one leg up.  So much personality!  It’s almost like there’s a real child in those pants. 

Maybe give them a back story, so we know that, out of your three (former) children, the middle planter is was Macy, the guitar prodigy.

Nice try. That cane isn’t going to help Granny now.

MASSACRE IN LOCAL TOWN: World Renowned Serial Killer Praised for Craftiness by Turning Victims into Whimsical Garden Features

I’m not sure what’s worse: giving them shoes, or stitching the pant legs closed.  Both are equally disturbing.

“Mom got tired of Rachel’s smart mouth, so now I have a sister-plant!”
You’re next Nathan.  Mama’s got a gorgeous begonia and a spot on the porch for ya.