Oh Jeans, Where Art Thou?

Guh, it’s been so hot and dry and dusty and smoky outside this week.  What is this, the Dust Bowl?!  This air quality got me out onto the streets of Vancouver documenting the feeling around town these days.  These authentic 2018 images were taken just yesterday with an iPhone 6. #nofilter

Granville Street:

dusty town

My (landlord’s) front lawn:

front lawn

Lawn ornaments found in community gardens:

wheels

Selfie of me in my garden: (nothing to do with the weather…everything to do with my lack of a green thumb)

garden

Post-yoga, pre-brunch Kitsilano girl squad:

protection

Off to the aquarium!

protection3

Olympic Village dog park:

lawn ornament

Rascals at the Trout Lake Farmers’ Market:

kids2

Mount Pleasant hazy boyz:

main st boyz

Tourists in line at Mom’s Grilled Cheese food truck:

tourists

Instagrammer overlooking False Creek:

instagrammer

Hanging out at Sunset Beach: (currently unswimable)

beach goers

Abandoned Car2Go on Boundary Road: (because you sure as heck don’t dare take it any further east)

evo2

Oh look, I see some blue sky now!  Thank goodness!  Let’s celebrate with JEANS.  🙂

 

Just to be clear, I don’t think these pictures are or the Great Depression was funny, I’m just making jokes here, ok?  I’m just a silly idiot with access to the internet.
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20,000 Jeans Under the Sea

This heat wave has got me seeking out places with watery relief on a daily basis — like the beach.  Ohhh the sweet, sweet beach.  You know what else happens at the beach sometimes?  WEDDINGS!

You know when you’re trying to share a romantic moment with your beloved cowboy boots, taking them into your tender botanical embrace on a tropical beach at sunset, but some pesky country couple photo-bombs you?  Ugh, get a room!

wedding 1

Now, I love a theme wedding as much as the next guy, but…

wedding 2

I mean, Survivor might be a choice you look back on later in life and…regret?  And what’s with the ducks hanging over their heads?  Are they actually getting married pond-side?!  Oh jeez, this just took a real turn.

Speaking of regrets, what is this pose about?  It seems like they’re trying to maybe tell a story here, but it’s in a language I can’t quite read.

wedding 3

Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” or
“I don’t wannnnaaaaa!” or
“Let’s just sit a while, my love”
or
“Babe, I’m stuck in this pit of quick sand. Go on without me, live a full and happy life.  But never take another lover, k?”

Everyone NEEDS to have a sexy splash in the sea wedding pic.  Those are the moments to really remember. But reality tends to play out differently…

wedding5

“Storm is coming in quick.  Just smile for the camera and trudge along. That, dear girl, is what marriage is after all.”  And who’s getting married in this photo? No one will ever know.

wedding4

HER: I’m a mermaid.  Wild and free and living life to the full —GAH! Help, babe!  It went up my nose.  Sea water is gross!  My veil, it’s drowning me!  Babe!  HELP!
HIM: (laughing)

Stay cool, kids!

Call me By Your Jeans

This weekend is PRIDE here in Vancouver!  There are SO MANY Pride-related events happening this week and over the weekend, from comedy shows to Really Gay History Tours to drag shows to outdoor movies, and not to mention the parade and the PARTIES.  Oh goodness, you may have heard about the parties.  It’s a fun time to be alive in Vancouver!

Here are some ideas to get you pumped for Pride weekend.  Maybe you’d like to wear something celebrating/supporting Pride to work tomorrow.   Something subtle like these socks or underoos, perhaps?

Or a little more…

Maybe a little DIY on your jeans for tomorrow…
(I wish I could have found a picture of someone wearing these bell bottoms. I know– they should be up in the subtle category)

What’s that? You’ve got some client meetings? Here you go.

Going to court?  Robe up like Lena Waithe (god damn QUEEN!).  That’ll get the judge’s attention.robes

Or go FULL ON…

Whoops! I will high five, nay TEN, anyone who wants to don their gay apparel to work, but I have a feeling these may not be permitted in the workplace.  Mostly due to the lack of pants and nipple coverage.

And there are about a MILLION Pride-related t-shirts on the market these days, but I think this one may be my favourite.  🙂

bee
A-DORABLE.  What can I say, I love a pun!
Play safe this long weekend.  Good bye.

Last Jeans Day Hero

Happy Jeans Day Eve, my little flying monkeys!  Since Jeans Day Weekly emails exist to help our office raise money for so many– let’s face it– animal charities every week, it kind of makes us heroes in our own little way.  Heroes in jeans.  Jearoes.
Here are some other heroes in jeans.

wolverine

Violent and short-tempered, but a hero nonetheless, Wolverine is a Canadian jean-wearing hero.  And he looks pretty good for 120-some-years old–that’s the effect of wearing JEANS!

Who knew that Thor was a Never-Nude?!  I guess we all have our insecurities.

thor

avengers

I’ve always thought that jeans were WAY more practical than capes for fighting villains. Who knew that Jeremy Renner had such bangin’ hips!  No wonder he’s got such a confident strut.  Poor Scar Jo though.

A baby sheep is a lamb, a baby cow is a calf, a baby goat is a kid, and

Oh whoops!  How did this get in here.  Chris, you scamp.  Stop looking directly at the sun, you’ll burn that smoldering look permanently into your eyes.
He is a Guardian of the Galaxy and a Jurassic Park dino hero, so it’s still on theme.  The theme of my dreams.

And one more lil giggle treat for y’all.  Slightly NSFW, just pretend it says “holy shoot” or “holy darn it” or “what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks?!”…

spiderman

Riding in Cars with Jeans

It’s Thursday afternoon which means another JEANS DAY is upon us!

I was royally STUMPED this week when thinking of a Jeans Day Weekly theme.  I was lacking inspiration.  Denim writer’s block.  But as I was walking through downtown back to work after lunch today , I thought “Hmm…cars.  Denim cars?  That’s got to be a thing.”  So I asked the internet and….IT IS.

Of course there are some denim vehicles that are just corporate cars, nothing too special here.  And also just painted/decals.

But then there are regular Joes who want to utilize the practicality of denim on the interior of their personal vehicles.

Whoa, coooooool.  Just like James Dean would have wanted (probably).

JD

Maybe you’re a DIY Queen / King and you want to make that a reality for yourself.  No problem! diy inter

DONE! Cut and paste and stretch and stuff your old dungarees around your car seats.  Coolest minivan in the carpool!  And for the coolest DAD in the carpool, a crisp denim dash in his Mazda:

mazda

His buddies would say this looks “slick”.
But there’s always one jean fanatic in every carpool who just NEEDS to outdo everyone else.  You know the one.  This guy:

car6

“Go ahead kids, grab a Sharpie, I dare ya.”
“Dylan, you dad is so awesome!  He lets us write on his car!”

Yeah, well Dylan’s dad also has warrants for his arrest in three states — sweeeet.  Dylan fights it for a long, long time, denies his love of denim, shuts off that part of his psyche, until one day, deep in the bowels of England, he creates this: car

And he is PROUD of it.  It’s who he is and what he came from.  Years of suppressed denim lust spewed out onto this poor, unsuspecting little car.  Bet you’re getting all the dates now, Dylan.

Also this is a thing:

levis

Awesome.

Cabin in the Jeans

Tomorrow is Friday at the ol’ office, which means Jeans Day

Yey!  You know what else is tomorrow?  killer

HAHAHA!! Killer day — nice.  If you and your mid-30s-but-still-playing-20-something pals are heading out to a cabin in the woods this weekend, please remember to NOT BE STUPID!  Here are some tips to keep you alive in the woods:

  1.  Don’t head out alone
    Masked killers look for loners because they too are lonely and live on the fringes of society.  Unfortunately, they can’t seem to subdue their urge to kill long enough to open up and befriend another lonely soul.  Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there is a key to finding happiness!  Just don’t be physically vulnerable when you’re alone in the backcountry.
  2.  Avoid dark cellars 
    If it is absolutely necessary to enter a cellar, say your power has gone out and you need to flip a breaker, take a flashlight/lantern and a buddy down with you.   Always, always, take a buddy.  Always.  Someone weak who you can outrun.
  3.   Wear sensible footwear
    Listen, I get it, Crocs are comfy.  Sure.  But you know what’s not?  BEING CHAINSAWED!  Flip-flops and high heels = certain death.  Bring good sneakers, preferably Velcro, and keep them on the whole time.
  4.  Stormy weather plans
    If it’s looking like a dark and stormy night, head back to town.  Just do it.  Pay for a hotel room.  It might be expensive (peak summer season), but honestly, can you put a price on staying alive? [CUE: Bee Gees]  You don’t want to be the one who draws the shortest straw (or whatever kids do nowadays to decide who’s going to inevitably die) and has to go out to start up the emergency generator in a torrential downpour.  1-2-3-NOT IT!
  5.  Avoid towns with a history
    If the cabin you are heading to is on the outskirts of a town with a history of paranormal activity, a series of unsolved murders, or that is near an old asylum, CHANGE YOUR PLANS!  It may sound adventurous now, but it sure won’t when you hear that hook hand tapping on the windows when it’s pitch black outside.  Just because there’s a true crime podcast about a town, doesn’t mean it’s a safe weekend destination.
  6.   Read the signs
    Don’t second guess your gut.  If you arrive and the cabin has antique fishing paraphernalia hanging on the walls (hooks, harpoons, etc.), get out before the sun goes down.  If the road to the cabin is “out” or it’s overgrown because no one has driven it in decades, turn around.  If at any point you have to cross a mist-covered bridge of any sort, question your life choices.  In all likelihood, the universe will tell you you’ll get murdered before you actually get murdered, so keep an eye out.

So there you go.  You’re welcome.

13.jpg

In the Garden of Jeans & Evil

Welcome to JULY!  It’s Thursday, which means tomorrow is Friday Jeans Day!

As I was frolicking through the sun-drenched meadows of the internet this week, I stumbled upon a veritable minefield.  In this adorable, modern DIY world, it seems that some people have gone too far and are making – PLANTERS OUT OF JEANS!

WARNING: The following images are horrifying and may offend your senses.

If you share in a community garden, this gently informs fellow gardeners that there are consequences for stealing/damaging your plants.  (It involves death, dismemberment, and stuffing)

planter2

It’s also not fair that my jeans might look better as a planter than on my own sweet, sweet buns.

Nothing says “Welcome to our home!” like stringing up the lower half of a BODY and forcing it up against a tree.  Sheesus.

planter3

Bahahaha!  Look at this little comedian with that one leg up.  So much personality!  It’s almost like there’s a real child in those pants. stare

planter5

Maybe give them a back story, so we know that, out of your three (former) children, the middle planter is was Macy, the guitar prodigy.

planter6

Nice try. That cane isn’t going to help Granny now.

planter7

MASSACRE IN LOCAL TOWN: World Renowned Serial Killer Praised for Craftiness by Turning Victims into Whimsical Garden Features

planter massacre

I’m not sure what’s worse: giving them shoes, or stitching the pant legs closed.  Both are equally disturbing.

“Mom got tired of Rachel’s smart mouth, so now I have a sister-plant!”
You’re next Nathan.  Mama’s got a gorgeous begonia and a spot on the porch for ya.planter boy

I Know What You Jeansed Last Summer

That’s right sports fans, tomorrow is Friday before a long weekend which means JEANS DAY!

This weekend it’s CANADA DAY, so let’s celebrate the true north, strong and free with some denim long weekend essentials:

  1.  Jean picnic blankey – sit your butt on some butts.
    jean blanket
  2. Jean tent – hopefully it doesn’t rain. Mmmmm…wet jeans clinging to you as you sleep.
    jean tent
  3. Patriotic jean shorts — Canajorts
    canadian jeans
  4. Fishin’ jeans – brace yourself…for all the things you can do with your hands free!
    fishing jeans2
  5. Fireworks jeans – as subtle as a firework.
    fireworks
  6. Beach jeans – beached jeans?
    beach jeans2
  7. BBQ jeans – mmm delicious.  I’ll take mine with melted cheese on it please.
    bbq jeans

Happy Canada Day long weekend!  Play safe.

Pretty in Jeans

Merry Summer Solstice and National Indigenous Peoples Day!  Mmmmm summer, it is HERE.

Today we’re jumping back in time to a decade when “cool” meant neon, sneakers that pumped up, and Walkmans (Walkmen?).

bugle boy

This guy  knows what I’m talking about.  A true Bugle Boy!
bugle boys

This group of radical, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lovin’ sk8er boyz were the coolest in school in 1990.  I particularly enjoy how in the top right corner of that picture, “husky” and “prep” are two of the jean fits.

Then we have a pair of jean-soaked Breakfast Club wannabes.

AD COPY WRITER 1:  It’s a good ad, but let’s give them a little story. You know, so teens can relate.

AD COPY WRITER 2: Great idea, Greg!  Some coming of age dialogue?

GREG: Perfect Marv, but let’s make it the most unnatural dialogue anyone’s ever read.

MARV: You’re the man Greg!  Let’s take these power suits out for a liquid lunch and sit in the smoking section.

BOTH: Yey, 90s!
jean date
Why does John respond so suspiciously to Maggie’s first question?  “Well…I am graduating this year…obviously…we’re going to college together in the fall…I gave you a promise ring…I love you?”.

bf club

 

Hot Tip:  Don’t use hubcaps as drums. That’s dumb and you look dumb. Dummy.

 

 

 

Father of the Jeans

Mmm, can you smell that? *sniff sniff*  A mix of fabric softener and barn — the smell of jeans is in the air.

Tomorrow is FRIDAY which means we get to PARTY like it’s 1999 gently celebrate the end of the work week by wearing JEANS!  [CUE: Loverboy’s “Workin’ for the Weekend”]

#1 dad

This weekend is FATHERS’ DAY!  Did I mail my father a card, you ask?  Yes …maybe.  I’ll do it tonight, ok?!   So let’s honour dads through some internet-supplied images.

First, as promised…
dad jeans
I don’t even need to add my smart-ass comments to these.  It’s already done!  (lazy)
dad starter
This is pure GOLD.  A cultural treasure from@AStarterPack.

dad night out
As a young teenager, I babysat for a family whose dad looked just like this!  Minus the cell phone holster – it was the late 90s.  I got paid $3.50/hour to eat their junk food and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I peaked early in life.

This is what a dad does to try to teach you the value of a dollar.  “You’re going to spend $100 on jeans that are already ripped?!  They have holes in the knees and the pockets are showing!  You want fashion jeans, I’ll make you some for FREE.” dad ripped - Copy

 

And then he’d put them on whenever you had friends over and made a point of coming down as often as possible to show them (and other things) off.  But your friends thought he was SO funny and wanted him to make them fashion jeans.  “Get out of here, dad! You are being so embarrassing!”

Little did I know that embarrassing teenagers is one of life’s greatest pleasures.  And dads are well aware of that!  🙂  Love you Pa!