Jean-gle All the Way

Happy Friday Eve to you all!  Tomorrow is the first Jeans Day of December!

Now that it’s December and the holiday festivities are officially in full swing, it seems like there will be nothing but parties and lunches and get-togethers for the next month.  And since you can’t show up empty handed to a party/lunch/get-together, and figuring out something useful and unique is hard, I’ve compiled a handy list of perfect holiday party host gifts!

barbie - Copy<– not anyone at our office holiday party…

1.  Tylenol & Advil

Tis the season of spirited libations and…hangovers!  Weekend, weekday, midday – you name it!  Bring your party host a bottle of each.  Something a host can truly use, and you too when you inevitably attend back-to-back events and need a cure. Everyone wins!

TyAd - Copy

2.  A Bushel of Veggies

You know when you get to that point in the holidays when you actually start to crave vegetables?  That’s when your body is truly desperate for nutrients.
With visions of sugar plums dancing in our heads, and bellies, it can be hard to remember what nutrition tastes like.  Perhaps your host might enjoy a bouquet of fresh vegetables.

veg - Copy

3.  An extra hour of sleep

Daylight savings time would be better to end in December.  That way when people are walking around wearing their sunglasses inside because they have headaches, at least there was an opportunity to have just one extra hour of rest before heading to work.

4. Stretchy pants

Ahhh, the gift that keeps on giving.  Being comfortable during this time of the year is a high priority, whether you are a host or a guest.  It’s hard to screw up getting the right size, AND they’ll be the only pants you can fit into in the New Year, so they are essential.  Plus they make for CUTE family photos.

pants

5.  The gift of your company in February when everyone retreats to their caves again

Sure everyone wants to party and spend time with you now, but what about in February when the days have been dark and rainy for the last four months and everyone is suddenly on a budget?  Instead of retreating to your Netflix blanket fort alone every night, invite a friend to join you.  BYOB (bring your own blankie) and stretchy pants!  And don’t you DARE tell me you are too old to build blanket forts!  Even Queen Elizabeth II builds blanket forts for her and her corgies*.  Have you watched the new season of The Crown?!  Because she has*!  While wearing stretchy pants* from INSIDE A BLANKET FORT*.

* Not necessarily fact-based.  Assumption-based.

Jeansinator 2: Shopping Day

Happy Thursday my dungaree darlings!
It just occurred to me this week that it’s now holiday shopping time – the worst part of the holidays.  As of next week and Black Friday, this will be our reality:

mall

The thought of a shopping mall makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  I am allergic to malls during the holidays, but instead of breaking out into hives or anaphylactic shock, I instantly get overheated, need to go to the bathroom, and am starving – you know, like an ornery toddler.  So before I leave to do any shopping, I do 3 to 30 push-ups, pray to my survivalist goddess:

sarah

(In Her arm strength we trust)
…then lay out all my supplies and do a Wes Anderson-esque checklist montage, saying each item out loud in a monotone voice.

123

Please feel free to do this supply montage for yourself.  And good luck out there.

A Jeans to Remember…

Happy Thursday everyone!  It’s a long weekend coming up with Monday being November 11th, Remembrance Day, so what ridiculous things can I say related to that?!  Well, none.

It took me a while to truly understand and appreciate what wearing a poppy means.  I was probably about 20 years old — that’s an awkward confession – when I starting reflecting on it.  The first time I remember hearing about a war was the Gulf War in the 90s, and it wasn’t anywhere near Canada.  I don’t personally know anyone who has served in any war, let alone WWI or WWII.   And the wars didn’t really affect me in any way…

Or so I thought.

My maternal grandparents came to Canada as Polish refugees after WWII.  My grandmother lived with her family on a refugee camp in war-torn Poland.  My grandfather had to work as a truck driver, among other things, for the Germans.  I’m told they smuggled people out of camps in the trucks and helped them flee the country.  They fought for their own lives and the lives of others’ because that’s what humans should do for each other.  If they hadn’t survived all that, I wouldn’t exist.  So I wear my poppy for them.

I imagine all these nations coming together, their armies working side by side, toward the common goal of defeating an evil force in our world.  I imagine the sense of urgency and patriotic duty that a 15-year-old boy must have felt to lie about his age so that he could serve his country.  I imagine being in one of these concentration camps and seeing American, British, Canadian soldiers coming to liberate you from hell.  I mean, I can’t really imagine any of this.  None of us can.  Because thanks to so many brave people, we get to live in a country that is free of war and genocide, doesn’t have a corrupt government, has clean water and food.  We have rights, health care, education, opportunities because we don’t have to worry about the daily task of STAYING ALIVE.

So on Monday, let’s think about all the soldiers, past and present, all those citizens who rebuilt cities, all the refugees who fled with nothing but the shirts on their backs, families who hid friends and helped people flea, and all that was sacrificed to create this (mostly) beautiful world that we live in now, just so that we can wake up in the morning to think about frivolous things like iPhones.  On Monday, let’s think about all the good in the world and how to perpetuate that.

poppy

Into the Jeans

Here we are back to the regularly scheduled JEANS DAY WEEKLY!
This Sunday is Take a Hike Day, celebrating the great outdoors!  Around these parts, it’s going to be a soggy wet mess, with rain forecasted for the whole weekend.  So…

What could possibly be better than hiking in the rain, you ask?!

  1.  Spend a Saturday afternoon holiday shopping in Metrotown mall.

You want to be warm and dry?  Oh, you will be.  Between your many layers of clothing and the dense crowds, you’ll be sweating like a walrus in Hawaii.  Then you’ll get hangry and before you know it, you’ve turned into an angry Hulk-esque creature triggered by Christmas carols.  Then comes the rampage… you get it.

shop

2.  Have dental work done.

Don’t put it off any longer, THIS is the weekend to have your mouth drilled and poked.  What else do you have planned?  Hiking?  Ha!

dental

3.  Try doing some electrical work at home – with the power ON.

This could be the weekend you finally try installing a new light fixture by yourself.  Experts recommend just winging it, trial and error.  By getting that jolt of electricity in your bones, you basically get the same adrenaline rush as a hike, but it’s MUCH warmer and drier.  Added bonuses are the home improvements and potentially a rockin’ new hair-do.

elec

4.  Get in a fun little fender-bender.

Why not, right!?  No one gets hurt, but you get the honour of dealing with ICBC for MONTHS to come!  It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

icbc

5.  Get the chicken pox.

Come on, they aren’t THAT bad.  Not as bad as hiking in the rain.

pox

(I had to use a cartoon picture because real images of chicken pox are disgusting.  I care too much to hurt you like that.)

I think I’ve actually convinced myself that a hike in the rain would be a little better than any of these things… but it’s probably too late for me though, I’ve already jinxed myself!  😦  Learn from my mistakes!!

Beetlejeans

Happy Thursday, my little pretties.
There are many Halloweeny things going on this weekend.  Lots of haunted houses and parties full of ghosts, zombies, witches, and other fantastical things.  But here are some truly terrifying, nightmare-inducing, all too real haunted house themes – for the adults.

High School Reunion Theme

Remember when you were in high school and you were awkward and greasy and didn’t have a real sense of who you were as a person?  Come and relive that all over again, but 20 years later and it’s a dry event!  And in this terrifying scenario of your haunting past, everyone you went to high school with is doing really well and looking very good. You are not.  You are sober as hell, still awkward, especially greasy, and probably wearing Spanx.

school2

Losing-everything-and-having-to-move-back-home-with-your-aging-parents Theme

It’s not the worst thing in the world.  They love you so much, of COURSE they’ll take you in.  #blessed   They won’t even ask you for any rent.  But you have to ask to borrow the car.  You have to check in with them every time you go out or come home and who were you with and where did you go and who’s coming to pick you up??  Dinner is at 5:30 sharp every day.  Loud news networks are on the TV 16 hours a day.  You’re a teenager again trapped in an adult’s body.  Goodbye love life, hello celibacy.  What. A. NIGHTMARE.

parents2

Go-to-Ikea-on-a-Saturday-afternoon-to-get-one-Kallax-bookcase-and-having-to-transport-it-on-the-Skytrain-BY-YOURSELF Theme

This house of horrors has it all.  Crowds; cumbersome items;  public transit; a stranger’s wet sneezes; a lot of walking; and no one around to hear your screams!  Then you get all the way home, a transit journey that took two hours, and realize that the box is missing two screws.  Noooooo!!!

box

Learning-your-mother-was-right-about-EVERYTHING-and-her-being-there-for-your-realization Theme

Sweet baby Jesus.  This terror mansion wouldn’t be so bad if Mother wasn’t there, but to see her face as she basks in the glory of your defeat and the symphony of “I told you so-s” that would ensue… I already feel sick at the thought.  May no one ever have to experience this in real life.

mom1

Having-every-single-dietary-restriction-in-a-world-where-only-McDonald’s-exists Theme

Dairy.  Gluten.  Nuts.  Meat and animal products.  Soy.  Canola oil.  MSG.  You’re allergic to them ALL.  You are forced to sustain yourself on wet shredded lettuce that smells like Big Macs for the rest of your days.  What’s it wet with?  Who knows?!  OOOooooooOOOooo!!

The Music Recital Theme

In this inescapable waking nightmare, you are at your kid’s music recital.  Not so bad, you think?  The instrument is the RECORDER!!  And there are 30 of them, all playing the same song, Hot Cross Buns, on an endless loop, at a variety of tempos.  The squealing starts to take hold of your sanity.  But you can’t leave because you LOVE THAT KID… or do you?  Are you crying tears of blood??

recorder

Sweet dreams.

The Haunting of Jeans House

Good afternoon, one and all!  Just a friendly reminder that tomorrow is JEANS DAY!  Soon enough we’ll all be carving pumpkins, or I will be at least, so here is some inspiration for you.

jason

Sweet babely Jason Sudeikis pumpkin.  I NEED someone to carve this one so I can kiss it on the lips. Much appreciated, thanks.

zombie 2

If you have a giant pumpkin lying around your yard, you could whip this up in an hour, easy pleezy! Emotional inspiration?  Think, all your life’s regrets manifested as a pumpkin.  Then that pumpkin grows and grows until you can’t even fathom moving it anymore.  THEN all those regrets and poor decisions and negative feelings BURST from within manifested as adult-onset anxiety!!  The HORROR!!

dino

Here’s an idea if we pool all our pumpkin resources.  We can make a life-sized Triceratops!  Then the movie-making people upstairs will see it and no doubt be hugely inspired to create a dinosaur Halloween movie with Jason Sudeikis voicing the hunky lead dino, and it’ll win all the Golden Globes and Oscars and WE’LL be the ones to thank for bringing such joy and brilliant creativity to the world!  Who’s in?!

thing

A Jack-o-Lantern deconstructed reconstruction.  It’s the Thing AND he’s wearing jeeeaaaans!  This looks like a split second snapshot just as he starts to explode from the inside.

BEWARE:  The carver becomes the carved.

munch

The judges are expecting realism, people.  This isn’t kindergarten safety scissors jack-o-lantern giggle time.

full body

Whoops!  How’d that get in here?!?  That’s just… never mind, it’s nothing.  This guy – my soulmate—whatever — sent me this after— bleh!  Not important.  I have weird taste and he gets me.

ANYWAY… tomorrow, Jeans.  Wear ’em.

Denimyville Horror

It’s also exactly THREE WEEKS until HALLOWEEN (but who’s counting), so I hope you are all using your time effectively and getting those costumes together.   It’s amazing the things you can do with just a hoodie and some crafty foam.  See:

sharks

It’s a shiver of sharks!  That was an awesome day on the 6th floor at the old shop.  Good ol’ days with good people.  But then your office moves and your boss and some of your favourite co-workers leave and now the days are growing shorter and colder.  COINCIDENCE??!

I made myself an Autumn 2019 playlist to help cope with all this loss.  My own stages of grief, in song form:

“My Heart Will Go On”, Celine Dion

I played this on the recorder for my boss on her last day here, the piercing sound echoing through the vast office space like a wailing East coast wind.  She loved it.

Nothing says you’ll go on like a gut-wrenching ballad associated with hundreds of people drowning or freezing to death in the icy North Atlantic.

celine

“I Will Remember You”, Sarah McLaughlin

Will you remember me?  Will you?!  Everyone says they’ll keep in touch, but nobody actually does.  Shatter my heart all over again, why don’t you.

“Against All Odds”, Phil Collins

An emotionally vulnerable, knee-crumbler.  God I love Phil Collins.  If I wasn’t crying before, I am now!  Because you coming back to me is against all odds.

phil

“Good Riddance”, Green Day

You are in charge of your own happiness so do what you need to do.  I hope you had the time of your life… here… at work.

“Bye, Bye, Bye”, NSYNC

Well if this is really what you want, then fine!  Go.  Go on, leave!  Get out of here!  Oh, you’ll keep in touch?  I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.

bye

“I Will Survive”, Gloria Gaynor

I’ll be fine here without all of you!  Just fine.  Next week when I come in and see all these empty desks, I certainly won’t be burying my crying face in a plate of leftover turkey dinner for comfort.

I will survive to wear capes!

gloria

I’m thankful for those who have come and gone, and those who remain.  A wise old me once said that the only constant in this world is change.
Have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone!

The Jeans After Tomorrow

Happy FREE Jeans Day Eve everyone!
Tomorrow is also the Global Climate Strike at Vancouver City Hall starting at 12:30 pm.  And it’s only a couple Skytrain stops away…hmmm…

Since clothing is one of the biggest sources of waste on the planet, maybe you can repurpose some of your old dungarees, or wear recycled jeans in solidarity with the strikers tomorrow.  Do I have some recommendations?  Of course I do!

computer cozy

Office appropriate computer CPU covers are all the rage this season (dying planet season).  Don’t let your electronics be seen without one!

charger

Hideous — just like most of my crafty DIYs, and the deforestation of the rainforests.

food stool

Reminiscent of the nightmare-inducing jean planters I did a whole thing on last year, here is a foot stool.  With boots.  And probably a mind of its own.  And a THIRST FOR MURDER.

S-AE20151129 patron de couture

Here is a way to repurpose old jeans AND curtains/tablecloths!  These are the pants (?) you didn’t even know you needed – UNTIL NOW.  Great legwear with max movement for kicking Big Oil’s butt into shape.  DIY them for all your loved ones.

slippers

Denim slippers for tiptoeing gently around this fragile planet.

gown

A denim gown!  This is the MOST environmentally friendly repurposing of them all!  You can reuse upwards of 20 pairs of pants for this elegant, yet sturdy, couture piece.  Perfect for storming the halls of parliament to demand change.

cuffs4lyfe

In case you haven’t heard, it’s called FASHUN.   Cuffs4lyfe.
The more cuffs you have, the more guffs you give about the Earth.  The Earth that your children and grandchildren will inherit.

PEACE!

 

The Dark Jean Rises

Holy bananas!  It’s Thursday again!  That means that tomorrow is another JEANS DAY.  This week, it would seem, is FULL of “National ___ Days”.  Look at this.

weekend

Wow.  Truly a time to celebrate everything.  Obviously my bias is towards …hmmm….BATMAN DAY.  So true to my (apparently) new form, here is an online quiz-like Jeans Day Weekly.

WHAT YOUR FAVOURITE BATMAN SAYS ABOUT YOU

  1. Adam West

adam

There is absolutely nothing in life that you take too seriously.  The Dark Knight?  No thanks,  you’re actually afraid of the dark.  Also, you like to run around town in tights and a cape and don’t care much for the gym.  The Commissioner’s respect is more important that chiseled abs.

  1. George Clooney

george

Billionaire playboy? 100%.  All day, everyday.
Confidence levels?  Through the roof.
Eyebrows?  “On fleek”, baby.
Nipples?  Highlighted.

  1. Michael Keaton

michael

Practicality is key to you (maybe to a fault), and that includes being 100% waterproof.  Sure you sweat A LOT in that rubber wardrobe and probably make embarrassing squeaking sounds when you move, but you just mosey on through a car wash every night and you’re squeaky clean again!  Also, you’re rubber and everyone else is glue.  Unkind words bounce off you and stick to them.  So there.

  1. Lego Batman

lego

You’re an idiot.  And kind of bad at your job.  Now you know.

  1. Christian Bale

christian

You’re a game changer and you know it.  Modesty isn’t one of your signature traits, but who cares.  The ones closest to you make you check your attitude.  You have been through A LOT, life has kicked you, beaten you down, thrown you in a pit, you escaped, got stronger, learned martial arts, got muscley, but not too muscley, and now it’s your turn to take what’s yours — Revenge.

  1. Ben Affleck

ben

Who?  Forgettable.

  1. Comic book Batman figurines

YOU. ARE. INTENSE.  First off, you’re hitting the gym TOO HARD.  No one needs to have knee muscles.  Second, do you get dressed in the morning, or is that body paint?  Honestly.  And thirdly, you intimidate people because a) you’re basically naked, and b) when you’re not parkour-ing all over the place, you’re striking overly dramatic poses.  You are the exact opposite of Adam West’s Batman.  In fact, you’d probably be enemies.  (movie idea?!)
Relax, laugh, have some fun – outside of the gym.

Mystic Jeanzza

It’s Thursday, September 5th, 2019, which means that tomorrow must be…. JEANS DAY!

Apparently today is National Cheese Pizza Day and it’s also Virgo season.  OooooOOOooo! There’s a dumb (and I do mean DUMB) website out there that will tell you what kind of pizza you should order based on your zodiac sign.  You KNOW I’m going to have an opinion on that.  Ready Virgos? …

VIRGO (Aug. 22 – Sept. 23):  Flatbread Pizza Loaded With Veggies   <- (not plain cheese)
Topped with: Feta cheese, cherry tomatoes, basil, olives, oregano and olive oil.
Why it suits you: As a Virgo (go on), you’re a very practical eater with a love for almost all nutritious foods. You don’t normally indulge in pizza (not that you know of, website) , but when you do, you choose the healthiest option available (you’d like that, wouldn’t you) . Get that cell phone ready (we just call them “phones”, no need to specify, Grandpa) , and place an order for this flatbread pizza loaded with veggies and smothered in feta cheese (feta?  Poor choice for a smothering cheese) .  Delish!

Guess which sign DOES get the cheese pizza?  …

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23 – Jan. 20): Simple Thin Crust Cheese Pizza
Topped with: Cheese and marinara sauce. Super simple, of course!  (as a Capricorn—HOW DARE YOU!)
Why it suits you: You’re very traditional (what?!) and like things uncomplicated, your pizza included (please, tell me more about what I like) . Keep it classic by ordering a simple (point made!) thin crust cheese pizza from your fave (don’t ever say that) pizza joint. Your taste buds will adore you. (my taste buds can speak for themselves and they say they’re BORED, website!  I need at least two toppings in addition to cheese)

Well I’m in a rage now.  Moving on…

Last week someone, let’s just call them Don Joolan, gave me a hard time because the Jeans Day Weekly has been lacking in actual denim content lately.  SO HERE YOU GO, Joolan.

jacket

Simple and uncomplicated…bossy? Must be a Capricorn.

jean jacket

Just admit it.  Speak the truth, just like a Sagittarius.

jacket 3

Play on words. Clever.  Playful.  Artistic.  Typical Pisces.

No words needed. Strong, silent type, but ready to party.  Classic Taurus wear.

pizza-umbrella

Not jeans, but horrifyingly gross.  Stay away from me, Leos.

Enjoy a slice or whole pie tonight!