Jeansapple Express

It’s a sunny Thursday afternoon, practically sunset, and time for another edition of the Jeans Day Weekly!  Tomorrow is Jeans Day, so don your dandiest dungarees and maybe even a festive sweater.  🙂

Last Friday was our office holiday party and, thanks to alcohol, I saw some great dance moves and am now hypothetically betrothed to several sons, so…yeah.  Cool…

Did you know that we are smack in the middle of Hanukkah right now?!  It’s day 6 (ok, it’s past halfway) tonight.  Which means this weekend is gonna be…

lit

You love it, don’t lie.
I’m sure our regional favourite Jewish boy Seth Rogan will be getting lit too – in more ways than one…

sesth

But it’s legal now, so who even cares.  My parents are more excited about legal pot than I am.
And in case you weren’t POSITIVE that he’s Jewish…

pika

He did dress up as “Pikajew” for Halloween one year.   So…yes.  Jewish. 100%.

But if you’re celebrating too hard with latkes, sufganiyot, cocktails, or a Seth Rogan Special, be sure to hop the bus or train home to fully round out your Seth-perience.

train

As the friendly, upbeat voice of Translink, he’ll remind you to be a decent human being on transit and almost fool you into believing that taking the bus is fun!  Until you are violently jolted back to reality by someone coughing straight into your mouth and realize that IT IS NOT. EVER.  These are the faces Seth makes when you ask him if he ever actually takes transit when back in town…

face

No?  Didn’t think so.  Stop trying to fool the financially impaired rat-racers that commuting is fun!

Now enjoy this oldie but goody from Adam Sandler.

hanukkah

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The Great Jeansby

Well whaddya know, it’s Thursday again.  And tomorrow is FRIDAY aka Jeans Day!

Our staff Holiday Party is also tomorrow, and like many holiday parties you also may be attending, it is NOT a jeans-friendly party.   So remember to step it up a notch, lest you head over to a fancy hotel and enter a fancy ballroom full of fancy co-workers and feel like a fancy fool.

Formal Fashion Hints From Furry Friends:

horse

Oh she knows how fancy she is, and she will NOT let you forget it.  I bet she calls everyone “babe” in a demanding tone.

otter2

This otter, who lives in the wild, was so determined to look dapper that they found themselves a cane. Surely you can do at least that.  A walking stick or wizard’s staff or something.

Even nature’s naturally fanciest can kick it up a notch.  The penguin is giving me strong Neil Patrick Harris at the Oscars/Tonys/any-chance-he-can-get vibes.  I’m sure that guy carries tap shoes in his back pocket.

JULY_2015_FONTANELLE

Whether solving sea mysteries by day, or reading a newspaper fireside by night, this timeless look has dapper written all over it.  And let’s face it, our ensembles need to be almost as waterproof as this dolphin’s.

owl

Ah, the monocle!  Is there any single accessory that SCREAMS high-class elegance louder?  Nope!  Ask Mr. Peanut:03

peanut

 

 

 

Name a classier food. I DARE YOU.

 

[I have such an interesting/concerning internet search history… on my work computer]

meerkats

So don’t be a meerkat in a toque, be a peanut with a monocle, and strut your stuff like a peacock with a cane.  Party on!

PLEASE: Don’t drink & drive,  take a cab home.   🙂

Creature from the Jeans Lagoon

Today it’s a short and sweet (or should I say “sweat”) one…

Today is American Thanksgiving…

turkey

…and tomorrow is Black Friday.  AHHHH!!!  Here is a special Black Friday deal from last year.  Ready?

sweat

Now THAT is a deal that you DO NOT want to miss out on.  I’m constantly wishing I were a sweatier person, so thank GOD someone thought of this scented workout gel.  I can only imagine that it smells like AXE Body Spray and gives you that unsubstantiated confidence of a gym hound taking pictures of his abs in the mirror.

Ok ok, enough laughter, BACK TO WORK!

Jean Wick

WOW. What a poo fest of a day.  Good thing tomorrow is FRIDAY!  AKA Jeans Day!
This weather (and the jackhammering outside..ugh, unimpressed) has got me feeling very Keanu.

sad keanu

Poor guy. Someone give him a hug!  If this is what the weekend has in store, I have big plans…weekend plans

Yes, that’s me.  Bundled for warmth and comfort.
Theme for tomorrow is SAD jeans.  That could mean this:

Or maybe this:

I couldn’t decide which picture was funnier.  They both scream sadness since this is ADULT attire.  This is the quintessential three-kids-in-a-trench-coat outfit….but for three adults…?

If you need cheering up, here are some things to help warm your heart and bring a smile to your face.

  1. PEANUTS
  2. This video of a dog wearing boots for the first time.
  3. This classic meme that made me cry I was laughing so hard.

phtevenStay dry out there!

Jeans n Roses

Ok despite the brilliant weather this last week, I’m going to be a big butthead and rain on the parade.
Ya’ll ready for this?!

wet

No, neither am I.  But just remember…(read in your best kombucha-drinking positivity guru voice)

shut up

Uhhg, shut up.
It’s coming and we know it.  Yes, that cold November rain is blowing in.

slash1

So when you’re walking down the aisle to your one and only beloved in this:

dress

Remember that your legs might get cold.  And also know that when you’re drunk on champagne with your bridesmaids at the dress shop, you will make an impulsive dress choice…even though your legs DO look amazing and the world DOES deserve to see them because you’re a beautiful, strong woman!  …It’s ok, happens to the best of us.  Nothin’ lasts forever, and we all know minds can change, now that you’re sober and quite chilly, in the cold November rain.

rain2

Luckily, this dude ^ (AKA Dracula’s cousin) understands you fully.  So if you want to love him, then darlin’ don’t refrain or he’ll just end up walkin’ in the cold November rain (or sun as it currently stands).  That’s why you got this tattoo:

tattoo

I feel like we all should have that tattooed on our forearms, for our own sanity.  But my GnR lust got away from me and I got this piece instead (when it’s this big and artistic, you call it a “piece”) :

tattoo2

Whoops. Gonna be a tough winter.

The Boondock Jeans

Well, now that the best part of the year has come and gone (siiiiiiiiiigh), I guess we’ll just have to focus on today being All Saints Day…

All Saints

No, not that All Saints. Sorry.
…and tomorrow is All Souls Day, for those who subscribe.  All three days of Halloween, November 1 & 2 are celebrated as Dia de los Muertos in Mexico.  A colourful, magical, spooky experience that I one day hope to experience first-hand.  And I’ll be looking to meet some fun characters like these:

skull

Party boy Chad. He’ll be clattering down the street, shirtless, with a beer bong in his hands/mouth, hitting on all the women while simultaneously grossing them out.  What a mess.

silly skull

Slightly Uncertain Sue.  It’s the shrugged shoulders.  It’s funny, right?

“Uhhhha, hi. Excuse me, hi, sorry, could you please direct me to the nearest el baňo? I ate too much authentic Mexican bean dip and…well you know. Heh heh.”

star trek

This pop culture reference from Star Trek or Stargate or something.  I don’t know, a show with lasers and space.  You know, one of those space franchises that refuses to fade away and now that it’s owned by Disney, there will be a new movie out every Christmas?  Yeah that one.  Pew pew!

The party drug backpacker twins.  Ohhhh these people are fun to talk to for, like, 4 minutes, and then they are just EXHAUSTING.  They need no encouragement to keep talking.  And hugging.  No one wants to hear about your spiritual awakening through your ethically non-monogamous polyamorous relationships with people all across the world while dancing to some straight up noisey E.D.M. for longer than that.

Set of sugar skulls and design elements. Day of the Dead. Skull

Aaaaaand this guy.  Cool beard guy checking out the spooky scene with a homemade single batch artisanal bourbon in hand and a three-button vest on chest.  This is extra funny for me because he’s a dead ringer (haha, yeah I punned) for my ex…who would also be drinking some homemade single batch B.S. while twirling his spindly moustache. What a dink.

😉

 

The Legend of Jeansy Hollow

It’s almost here — HALLOWEEN!!  So to get your brain juices juicy, here is a brief history of Jack-o-Lanterns:

The Tale of Stingy Jack & the Jack O’ Lantern: An Irish Folktale

Once upon a time there was a miserable old butthead named Stingy Jack.  When Stingy Jack got drunk, which was daily, he like to play tricks on people, even the Devil himself– for what could possibly go wrong when tricking THE DEVIL?!  One day, he tricked the Devil into climbing up a tree then placed crosses around the trunk of the tree. Unable to touch a cross, the Devil was stuck in the tree.  Jack made the Devil promise him not to take his soul when he died, and when the Devil pinky swore, Jack removed the crosses, and the Devil climbed down out of the tree in a fiery huff.

Many years later, Jack died and probably no one cared. He went to the pearly gates of Heaven, and was turned away by Saint Peter because he was mean and cruel, and had led a miserable, worthless life on earth!  Jack then went down to Hell. The Devil kept his promise and would not allow him to enter Hell. “Go be someone else’s problem, you turd!”  Now Jack had nowhere to go but to wander the dark Netherworld between heaven and hell forevermore. He asked the Devil how he could leave since he couldn’t see in the pitch black. The Devil tossed him an ember from the flames of Hell to help Jack light his way and told Jack not to let the door hit him on the way out.  Luckily, Jack had a turnip with him — one of his favourite foods!  Jack hollowed out the turnip, and placed the ember the Devil had given him inside the turnip. From that day onward, Stingy Jack roamed the Earth without a resting place, lighting his way as he went with his “Jack O’Lantern”.

On all Hallow’s eve, the Irish hollowed out Turnips, rutabagas, gourds, potatoes and beets. They placed a light in them to ward off evil spirits and keep Stingy Jack away. These were the original Jack O’Lanterns. In the 1800’s a couple of waves of Irish immigrants came to America. The Irish immigrants quickly discovered that Pumpkins were bigger and easier to carve out. So they used pumpkins for Jack O’Lanterns.

Wow, cool huh?!  Now take a look at these famous celebrity Jack-o-Lanterns.

H2

You may recognize this grin from Halloween 2.  What those hollowed-out eyes have seen…That’s a smile of pure fear.

Jack-o-lantern

Here’s Jack O’Lantern, maybe based on the folk tale?  Has his face gradually over time become more and more like a weathered pumpkin? Or is that just the way a mortal looks after roaming purgatory for hundreds of years with an ember in a turnip?  I’d probably want to carve townsfolk up too.

sleepy

I’m sure this jack-o-lantern is a great guy, just so misunderstood!  He’s just here for a good time, but that darn headless horseman is giving his a bad name. He’s not a violent gourd!  I always imagine that every “monster” is misunderstood….it helps me cope with the fear better.

pumpkinhead

Notice the mischievous sparkle in his eye, no double added by the “special effects legend”.  OOoooOOOOooo!

trick or treat.gif

This ‘kin was just born with an aggressive overbite, making him look like he’s got a mouth full of fangs.  Doesn’t help his situation much that he’s sitting next to a CRAZY PERSON with a sack on their head!  Don’t settle, get better friends.

Young Frankenjeans

Happy Thursday!  Guess what?! Tomorrow is Friday 😀
Since Halloween is only 20 days away (!!), I’ve got some office appropriate/themed or jeans themed costumes to help INSPIRE you.

ONE:

rosie

Drench yourself in denim! I’ve done Rosie twice, myself.  Let me take you back a few years…

The date was October 30, 2012.  It was a rainy day, as they are this time of the year, and it was my second week of work here. I was as fresh as a pie cooling on a window sill.  The HR dame came over to me, legs up to here and charm to spare, and asked if I had any questions. Of course I did, I was a newbie. I asked “do people dress up for Halloween around here?” I wasn’t too concerned with her answer, I was going to dress up regardless.  “Sure”, she chirped, “you can if you want, kid.”
And so I did.  And I was the best damn Rosie the Riveter anyone this side of town has seen.

TWO:

fonz

Eeeehhhhhh!  It’s Fonzie! Gee whiz, now here’s a guy that everyone can get on board with!

THREE:

minions

Group costume idea?! The bonus is that you’d get to wear overalls, the most comfy of all pants!

FOUR:

jim & pam

Anything from The Office.  Jim & Pam, Jim & Pam on Halloween, Dwight, etc. etc.  So many iconic phrases to go with this option too! 

FIVE:

I think we can all relate to this situation.  If it’s not TPS Reports, it’s prebills, or any of the 800,000 other forms that we need to compete/get approved/submit, ASAP. Did you get that memo?

Also known as 1980s business guy, I’m sure some of you even have these key wardrobe pieces in your closets still, so I’m gonna need you to go ahead and make sure you get this costume going.

SIX:

HP robes

Ok, so not everyone can wear jeans/a costume to work on Halloween, but I know for a FACT that there are a lot of barristers’ robes hanging around here.  So throw on a sweater vest and tie, and robe up!  You’re a wizard now.

The Nightmare Before Jeansmas

It’s the moooooost wonderful tiiiiiiiime of the yeeeeeeeaaarr!  Now I can openly get excited about Halloween, and boy are you ever gonna get a healthy helping of it over this next month.  Yey!!

countdown pic

We are in FULL FALL mode now.  It’s Thanksgiving weekend and we’re about to enjoy the bounty of our harvests.  Here is my personal harvest for the year…CARROTS!

IMG_4789

What a successful growing season!  Not sure what I’ll do with them yet – maybe a carrot cake!  Or maybe I’ll starve if this is all I have to show for my harvest.

And this weekend we’ll all be getting cozy with our loved ones and lovers alike.  I need to get out and socialize with more than my dogs, so I’ve been scouting out some autumn hotties–check out these fly boys!

1

This guy was rocking some mad Dad Bod, which I am not against, but he’s a hugger. He came at me with those open arms and I was like “no, please, I am very allergic to your insides!”

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

This guy has kids, which is just part of dating in your 30s I guess, but I need someone with a face.  Is that SO MUCH to ask?!  Otherwise, this is just another faceless guy in a plaid shirt.  Boooooooorriiiiing. Get a personality, bro.

4

This dude could NOT keep it together.  He was falling apart all over the place, busting out of his clothes.  And I just cannot get on board with white guy dreadlocks.  Plus – cargo jeans?  Really, what year is it, 1998?!?  Hacky sack your way out of my life.

ah2

This fella gave me a weird feeling for some reason.  Perhaps it was the dead look in his empty eye sockets suggesting that he’d given up on life and was looking to steal a soul in order to get revenge on the women who had broken his heart and soul before that deterred me.  Or perhaps it was his gaping mouth-breathing face.

3

Now this guy I felt I had a real connection with.  Such a jokester!  But what shattered the illusion was when he smiled at me and I saw he was missing several teeth.  That is just a deal breaker for me.  Plus, look at how much straw he has in his butt.  That’s just… too much.

K have a great Thanksgiving Day LONG weekend everyone!  I’m thankful that (most of) you like reading my nonsense every week 🙂

A Very Jeans Engagement

Last week we explored the notion of “Is it even really Friday if no Jeans Day email was sent out the day before?”
Answer: Of course it is!  But now I know just how many people depend on these emails to inform them on what day of the week it is!  I take great joy in that for some reason.  Oh, it’s the false sense of power.  That’s it.  As if I have any control over anything in my life these days AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHA!!!!  Anyways…

These flaming trees and the autumnal breeze have got me feeling all sorts of cozy.  Sometimes I just want to kick back with my dogs, sip a pumpkin spice (tea) latte, and TEAR APART some engagement photos!  Because I’m a bitter old husk of a woman who doesn’t believe in love anymore.  (jk…sort of)

EXHIBIT A – Carly & Pascal

12

Lovers posing in front of a dilapidated building because marriage is WORK and it will BREAK. YOU. DOWN.  And marriages break down.  Fun symbolism!
On an unrelated note, does anyone need some shiplap for their rustic modern home?!  What a treasure trove!

EXHIBIT B – Dave & Kristin

7

“Babe, look how cute and in love our feet are! AwwwwWWWWW!”
If you look carefully, you can see me sitting in the background rolling my eyes as hard as eyes can roll.

EXHIBIT C – Mark & Claire

spontaneous!

Wow, I mean just WOW.  I just can’t even believe how spontaneous and candid this couple is.  I mean, they were just walking through this picturesque grove when he told her such a good joke just as a gentle northwesterly breeze showered leaves all over them, and then he was so overcome with love, that he hoisted her into the air for a playful embrace.  AND here was a photographer handy!  I mean what are the chances?!?!

EXHIBIT D – Jamie & Roger

10

“Heh heh heh, he’s mine now and he has no idea what he’s – Hmm? Oh nothing dear. I love you too.  Tee hee!” 

EXHIBIT E – Lily & Anthony

6

Marriage is back-breaking work — physically, mentally, emotionally.  Why not be cute AND practical while harvesting pears in your backyard orchard?   As if to say “we know that marriage is hard, but our young bodies and naive minds are up for it!”  As much as it may pain me to admit, this is actually pretty darn adorable.  No!  NO!!

EXHIBIT F – Gina & Scott

bridge

Do they even like each other?  Maybe.  But only enough to meet under a bridge and gently place polite hands on each other for their bridge-troll-inspired engagement shoot.  I think these two are going to make it.

EXHIBIT G – Ashley & Patrick

fave

Ahhh, this is more my style.  An old chum type of shot that was probably taken by one of their moms at Thanksgiving because she just wants “a nice picture of the two of you.  Smile!”  They’ve been dating since they were 16, so the magic is mostly gone.  Dead.

Now get out of here you hopeful sacks of mush! Go jump in a pile of leaves with your lovers! Go on, git!