Young Frankenjeans

Happy Thursday!  Guess what?! Tomorrow is Friday 😀
Since Halloween is only 20 days away (!!), I’ve got some office appropriate/themed or jeans themed costumes to help INSPIRE you.

ONE:

rosie

Drench yourself in denim! I’ve done Rosie twice, myself.  Let me take you back a few years…

The date was October 30, 2012.  It was a rainy day, as they are this time of the year, and it was my second week of work here. I was as fresh as a pie cooling on a window sill.  The HR dame came over to me, legs up to here and charm to spare, and asked if I had any questions. Of course I did, I was a newbie. I asked “do people dress up for Halloween around here?” I wasn’t too concerned with her answer, I was going to dress up regardless.  “Sure”, she chirped, “you can if you want, kid.”
And so I did.  And I was the best damn Rosie the Riveter anyone this side of town has seen.

TWO:

fonz

Eeeehhhhhh!  It’s Fonzie! Gee whiz, now here’s a guy that everyone can get on board with!

THREE:

minions

Group costume idea?! The bonus is that you’d get to wear overalls, the most comfy of all pants!

FOUR:

jim & pam

Anything from The Office.  Jim & Pam, Jim & Pam on Halloween, Dwight, etc. etc.  So many iconic phrases to go with this option too! 

FIVE:

I think we can all relate to this situation.  If it’s not TPS Reports, it’s prebills, or any of the 800,000 other forms that we need to compete/get approved/submit, ASAP. Did you get that memo?

Also known as 1980s business guy, I’m sure some of you even have these key wardrobe pieces in your closets still, so I’m gonna need you to go ahead and make sure you get this costume going.

SIX:

HP robes

Ok, so not everyone can wear jeans/a costume to work on Halloween, but I know for a FACT that there are a lot of barristers’ robes hanging around here.  So throw on a sweater vest and tie, and robe up!  You’re a wizard now.

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The Nightmare Before Jeansmas

It’s the moooooost wonderful tiiiiiiiime of the yeeeeeeeaaarr!  Now I can openly get excited about Halloween, and boy are you ever gonna get a healthy helping of it over this next month.  Yey!!

countdown pic

We are in FULL FALL mode now.  It’s Thanksgiving weekend and we’re about to enjoy the bounty of our harvests.  Here is my personal harvest for the year…CARROTS!

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What a successful growing season!  Not sure what I’ll do with them yet – maybe a carrot cake!  Or maybe I’ll starve if this is all I have to show for my harvest.

And this weekend we’ll all be getting cozy with our loved ones and lovers alike.  I need to get out and socialize with more than my dogs, so I’ve been scouting out some autumn hotties–check out these fly boys!

1

This guy was rocking some mad Dad Bod, which I am not against, but he’s a hugger. He came at me with those open arms and I was like “no, please, I am very allergic to your insides!”

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This guy has kids, which is just part of dating in your 30s I guess, but I need someone with a face.  Is that SO MUCH to ask?!  Otherwise, this is just another faceless guy in a plaid shirt.  Boooooooorriiiiing. Get a personality, bro.

4

This dude could NOT keep it together.  He was falling apart all over the place, busting out of his clothes.  And I just cannot get on board with white guy dreadlocks.  Plus – cargo jeans?  Really, what year is it, 1998?!?  Hacky sack your way out of my life.

ah2

This fella gave me a weird feeling for some reason.  Perhaps it was the dead look in his empty eye sockets suggesting that he’d given up on life and was looking to steal a soul in order to get revenge on the women who had broken his heart and soul before that deterred me.  Or perhaps it was his gaping mouth-breathing face.

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Now this guy I felt I had a real connection with.  Such a jokester!  But what shattered the illusion was when he smiled at me and I saw he was missing several teeth.  That is just a deal breaker for me.  Plus, look at how much straw he has in his butt.  That’s just… too much.

K have a great Thanksgiving Day LONG weekend everyone!  I’m thankful that (most of) you like reading my nonsense every week 🙂

A Very Jeans Engagement

Last week we explored the notion of “Is it even really Friday if no Jeans Day email was sent out the day before?”
Answer: Of course it is!  But now I know just how many people depend on these emails to inform them on what day of the week it is!  I take great joy in that for some reason.  Oh, it’s the false sense of power.  That’s it.  As if I have any control over anything in my life these days AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHA!!!!  Anyways…

These flaming trees and the autumnal breeze have got me feeling all sorts of cozy.  Sometimes I just want to kick back with my dogs, sip a pumpkin spice (tea) latte, and TEAR APART some engagement photos!  Because I’m a bitter old husk of a woman who doesn’t believe in love anymore.  (jk…sort of)

EXHIBIT A – Carly & Pascal

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Lovers posing in front of a dilapidated building because marriage is WORK and it will BREAK. YOU. DOWN.  And marriages break down.  Fun symbolism!
On an unrelated note, does anyone need some shiplap for their rustic modern home?!  What a treasure trove!

EXHIBIT B – Dave & Kristin

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“Babe, look how cute and in love our feet are! AwwwwWWWWW!”
If you look carefully, you can see me sitting in the background rolling my eyes as hard as eyes can roll.

EXHIBIT C – Mark & Claire

spontaneous!

Wow, I mean just WOW.  I just can’t even believe how spontaneous and candid this couple is.  I mean, they were just walking through this picturesque grove when he told her such a good joke just as a gentle northwesterly breeze showered leaves all over them, and then he was so overcome with love, that he hoisted her into the air for a playful embrace.  AND here was a photographer handy!  I mean what are the chances?!?!

EXHIBIT D – Jamie & Roger

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“Heh heh heh, he’s mine now and he has no idea what he’s – Hmm? Oh nothing dear. I love you too.  Tee hee!” 

EXHIBIT E – Lily & Anthony

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Marriage is back-breaking work — physically, mentally, emotionally.  Why not be cute AND practical while harvesting pears in your backyard orchard?   As if to say “we know that marriage is hard, but our young bodies and naive minds are up for it!”  As much as it may pain me to admit, this is actually pretty darn adorable.  No!  NO!!

EXHIBIT F – Gina & Scott

bridge

Do they even like each other?  Maybe.  But only enough to meet under a bridge and gently place polite hands on each other for their bridge-troll-inspired engagement shoot.  I think these two are going to make it.

EXHIBIT G – Ashley & Patrick

fave

Ahhh, this is more my style.  An old chum type of shot that was probably taken by one of their moms at Thanksgiving because she just wants “a nice picture of the two of you.  Smile!”  They’ve been dating since they were 16, so the magic is mostly gone.  Dead.

Now get out of here you hopeful sacks of mush! Go jump in a pile of leaves with your lovers! Go on, git!

Wind Beneath My Jeans

Finally it’s Thursday! You can relax your slacks for the week because tomorrow is FRIDAY!

As the inevitable season change begins bringing cooler air and rain, it’s looking like this will be the first of many indoor weekends.  And what better way to spend a weekend indoors than by CRAFTING!  Here are some of the internet’s most hideous jean DIYs: shredsOk, not the worst, but still – why?  What…what is this?  I’ll tell you.  It’s what most DIYs end up being – old garbage turned into slightly different garbage.

Well these certainly are…original.  I mean, if you really need to be wearing jeans throughout all seasons, I guess this is one way to do it.  Keep your ankles warm…but not your toes.  And wear pants, without wearing pants because ugh, pants.

pillow

“Nana used to love sitting in this wicker chair, wearing her denim shirt and pearls, sneezing into her hanky. May you always sit on wicker, Nana, on that great porch in the sky.”
You even can insert the urn of her ashes through the neck hole if you want a more authentic Nana pillow.

chains

Alright, everybody settle down! It’s true, you too can have jeans with chains on them AND you can make them yourself! Get moving, next Friday will be Chains Jeans Day to celebrate…the International Day of Peace? How appropriate.

chair

Almost as horrifying as the planters made of jeans is this…chair?  Or whatever it is.  What is this?!?  It looks neither comfortable nor very visually appealing.  But it’s yet another way to repurpose pants!  There’s something so unsettling about this thing… spider leggy or something.  *shudder*

slippers

And finally, because decent slippers are hard to find/make/are so expensive, here’s a pair of homemade slippers for your flippers.  Now you can hide your webbed Donald Duck feet in these inconspicuously shaped pockets.

donald 2

Children of the Jeans

Here we go, Thursday again.  That must mean it’s time for another installment of the Jeans Day Weekly!  It’s SEPTEMBER now, for those who haven’t made a “What? September, already?!” comment.

And it’s back to school time!  “YEY!” say all the parents.  Remember when being a kid meant not even giving a care, and wearing silly cute things like this?

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Well those were the good ol’ days.  Here’s what kids are wearing to school these days.
heartbreak

I mean, can you even go to kindergarten without a Prada handbag and a designer shoelace around your neck these days? The answer is NO, you ignorant asshole, don’t you dare.

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This little book boy is going to grow up to be the most adorable cocktail mixologist that Gastown has ever seen.  Or maybe an industrial furniture designer.  Only time will tell!

harvard

This child prodigy’s ensemble probably cost more than my monthly salary, but DAMN does he look good.  Notice the way he looks off into the distance, no doubt pondering his next great legal arguments: staying up past 8:00 pm and being allowed to manage his own LinkedIn page.

insta

I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that this nugget is already aspiring to be an Instagram “model”, or that I’m unreasonably intimidated by her.  She reminds me of all those “cool” girls in elementary school who wanted nothing to do with me and my Jazzy Jewelry.

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I was cat-fished by this little bro on Bumble last week.  He told me he just drinks a lot of coffee so it stunted his growth, but it still didn’t sit well with me so I cut him loose.  But he opened the car door for me!  Awwww.
(For the record, we didn’t drive anywhere. We just sat in his “roommates’ ” driveway and played with slime.)

 

St. Elmo’s Jeans

Good news!  You can breathe easy knowing that tomorrow you can wear JEANS to work.
Bad News:  You can’t breathe easy because half of Western Canada is on fire and with an air quality alert of 10, it’s equivalent to smoking 7 cigarettes a day.

With so many wildfires are out of control these days, thankfully there is someone who is working tirelessly to remind people of fire safety…SMOKEY THE BEAR!

smokey1

So sweet with his woodland friends, all smiling and cheerful.

smokey2

But he means business!

smokey abs

Just look at this cuddly, jeans-wearing, shirtless bear with…abs?  Am I attracted to this fictional bear cartoon?!?  No, no, no!

Yes, right, I need to learn more about him first.  What’s his story?

smokey3

Obviously he’s very brave, defending his cubs with his strong bear biceps (bearceps). Is he a single dad?!

smokey4

He obviously has a very tender heart under that furry ranger exterior, teaching his cubs that “lit” doesn’t necessarily mean a good time.

But if you cross him and his cubs and his woodland friends by burning their home to the ground, WATCH. YOUR. BACK.

smokey6

This is when the bear claws come out — Revenant-style.  You think Leo got it bad, wait until there are cubs involved.

(This poster is so sad it almost makes me cry. But I’m an overly emotional person with an attraction to cartoon bears.)

Well look at that!  He has a cabin on a lake… don’t mind if I do!  I think we’d be very happy together here.  Paradise!

smokey7

Oh wait — nope, he’s in the States.  Not going down there, thanks!   Sorry, Smokey, it was great while it lasted.  I will heed your words, but not your love.  Also, I’m trying to get away from fictional cartoon guys these days.  They’re very unreliable.

 

Oh Jeans, Where Art Thou?

Guh, it’s been so hot and dry and dusty and smoky outside this week.  What is this, the Dust Bowl?!  This air quality got me out onto the streets of Vancouver documenting the feeling around town these days.  These authentic 2018 images were taken just yesterday with an iPhone 6. #nofilter

Granville Street:

dusty town

My (landlord’s) front lawn:

front lawn

Lawn ornaments found in community gardens:

wheels

Selfie of me in my garden: (nothing to do with the weather…everything to do with my lack of a green thumb)

garden

Post-yoga, pre-brunch Kitsilano girl squad:

protection

Off to the aquarium!

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Olympic Village dog park:

lawn ornament

Rascals at the Trout Lake Farmers’ Market:

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Mount Pleasant hazy boyz:

main st boyz

Tourists in line at Mom’s Grilled Cheese food truck:

tourists

Instagrammer overlooking False Creek:

instagrammer

Hanging out at Sunset Beach: (currently unswimable)

beach goers

Abandoned Car2Go on Boundary Road: (because you sure as heck don’t dare take it any further east)

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Oh look, I see some blue sky now!  Thank goodness!  Let’s celebrate with JEANS.  🙂

 

Just to be clear, I don’t think these pictures are or the Great Depression was funny, I’m just making jokes here, ok?  I’m just a silly idiot with access to the internet.

20,000 Jeans Under the Sea

This heat wave has got me seeking out places with watery relief on a daily basis — like the beach.  Ohhh the sweet, sweet beach.  You know what else happens at the beach sometimes?  WEDDINGS!

You know when you’re trying to share a romantic moment with your beloved cowboy boots, taking them into your tender botanical embrace on a tropical beach at sunset, but some pesky country couple photo-bombs you?  Ugh, get a room!

wedding 1

Now, I love a theme wedding as much as the next guy, but…

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I mean, Survivor might be a choice you look back on later in life and…regret?  And what’s with the ducks hanging over their heads?  Are they actually getting married pond-side?!  Oh jeez, this just took a real turn.

Speaking of regrets, what is this pose about?  It seems like they’re trying to maybe tell a story here, but it’s in a language I can’t quite read.

wedding 3

Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” or
“I don’t wannnnaaaaa!” or
“Let’s just sit a while, my love”
or
“Babe, I’m stuck in this pit of quick sand. Go on without me, live a full and happy life.  But never take another lover, k?”

Everyone NEEDS to have a sexy splash in the sea wedding pic.  Those are the moments to really remember. But reality tends to play out differently…

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“Storm is coming in quick.  Just smile for the camera and trudge along. That, dear girl, is what marriage is after all.”  And who’s getting married in this photo? No one will ever know.

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HER: I’m a mermaid.  Wild and free and living life to the full —GAH! Help, babe!  It went up my nose.  Sea water is gross!  My veil, it’s drowning me!  Babe!  HELP!
HIM: (laughing)

Stay cool, kids!

Call me By Your Jeans

This weekend is PRIDE here in Vancouver!  There are SO MANY Pride-related events happening this week and over the weekend, from comedy shows to Really Gay History Tours to drag shows to outdoor movies, and not to mention the parade and the PARTIES.  Oh goodness, you may have heard about the parties.  It’s a fun time to be alive in Vancouver!

Here are some ideas to get you pumped for Pride weekend.  Maybe you’d like to wear something celebrating/supporting Pride to work tomorrow.   Something subtle like these socks or underoos, perhaps?

Or a little more…

Maybe a little DIY on your jeans for tomorrow…
(I wish I could have found a picture of someone wearing these bell bottoms. I know– they should be up in the subtle category)

What’s that? You’ve got some client meetings? Here you go.

Going to court?  Robe up like Lena Waithe (god damn QUEEN!).  That’ll get the judge’s attention.robes

Or go FULL ON…

Whoops! I will high five, nay TEN, anyone who wants to don their gay apparel to work, but I have a feeling these may not be permitted in the workplace.  Mostly due to the lack of pants and nipple coverage.

And there are about a MILLION Pride-related t-shirts on the market these days, but I think this one may be my favourite.  🙂

bee
A-DORABLE.  What can I say, I love a pun!
Play safe this long weekend.  Good bye.