Jeansinator 3: Rise of the Waistlines

FACT: It is Thursday.

Is it a good day? Or a bad day?  Does the answer to that question change from hour to hour?  Day to day?  I think it does for most of us.

hang in there

Tomorrow is Fancy Friday — and the last day of work for many of us for the foreseeable future — so if ‘’fancy’’ for you involves sipping champagne while drenched in all the diamonds and furs you will soon have to pawn, LET’S F—ING DO IT!!

Yes, this week has indeed been a crotch-kicker.  Somehow it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who was laid off – SO MANY people all over the world are in the same boat.  And it’s temporary.  You know what else is temporary in the world?  EVERYTHING.  Literally every single thing.  Nothing is a sure thing from one day to the next.  Even Buddha said so:

change

So every time you want to want to curl up in a ball and weep uncontrollably, remember:

shall pass

Ouch.
So what do you do when your spirits need lifting?
Video chat with family or friends.  Go for a walk.  Try your hand at making sourdough (everyone is doing it).  Make a delicious nutritious meal to keep you healthy and thinking straight.  Watch or listen to some comedy!  Suggestions?  You got it!

Taylor Tomlinson stand up (Netflix special)
Maria Bamford stand up (Spotify)
Cy Amundson stand up (Spotify)
Chris Mann (YouTube covid-related song parodies)
Pluto the Dog (YouTube)
Matt Surelee (Instagram @mattsurelee makes hilarious charts/graphs)
TIGER KING (Netflix) – In case you haven’t already heard – IT’S NUTS!!  You’ll be reminded of A) how good we have it in Canada re: guns, healthcare, and laws, and B) that you are likely 1000x a better person and sexier than most of those people.

And what can you do with your unemployed life since doing anything in public is basically prohibited?
SARAH CONNOR yourself!!  Remember in Terminator 2 when you see Sarah Connor in the hospital?  YEAH.  Nothing but time and pull-ups, baby!

sarah1

sarah2
From ”tee hee, I’m a silly dummy” –>  ”Let’s go, BITCHES!”

Don’t hold me to this result!  I’m doing the best I can with a laundry detergent jug filled with gravel and a stretchy band thing!

So that being said, the Jeans Day Weekly will be on hiatus.  Wishing you all the best and see you SOON!  When we’re all together again, wherever that may be, I bet there will be a HUGE celebratory cake!

Stay positive,
-vL

Contajeanon: WEEK 1

Since most people are working from home now, I think it’s safe to assume that at most you’re wearing jeans.  So for any souls wandering the echoing cavern of an office, this Friday will definitely be a casual Jeans Day.

Speaking of working from home… WOW, the world sure loves a working-from-home meme!

This week, bosses of the world finally announced…

oprah

To which everyone responded with, “YES! ….

evil

For the foreseeable, you’ll be getting up at 8:57 to turn on your computers and be all:

XX

To which I’ll respond with no trace of sarcasm (from here in an office)…

wonka

Then by about 11:46 a.m. you’ll peel your cat-like selves off the couch and admit…

cat

In reality I know everyone is just trying their best to do what’s right.  And sometimes that probably even works out for you.  Other times though…

oops

Remember THIS?!
May you all enjoy your steady decent into casual reclusive attire!  Stay healthy.

Pandenimic

Happy Thursday!  Well, there isn’t really any point in me reminding you that it’s Jeans Day tomorrow since only the fanciest of you are already wearing jeans.  So for the foreseeable future, the I’ve come up with an innovative idea…

Fancy Fridays

Tuxedos and gowns?  Sure.  Or maybe you’ll just brush your teeth and take a shower.  Maybe you’ll put on button-up pants and decide you have to stop doing so much stress baking.  Maybe you’ll shave your face or strap your bosoms back into boob jail.  Just make it a little ”fancy” and keep those pinkies up when you chug your coffee/tea.  🙂

I’ve had a lot of time to sit alone with nothing but my own brain, pondering these delightful thoughts:

Things to look forward to after The Great Isolation:

  • Seeing each other again in person!
  • Discovering everyone’s REAL hair colours. (Gulp)
  • Seeing the new beards and moustaches at work.
  • A reason to bathe daily.
  • High fives & hugs.
  • Cleaner air.
  • A better, more compassionate world (hopefully that sticks).

Things to enjoy in the meantime:

  • No commute – WOW.
  • Elastic waist pants!  Slippers!
  • Time with your pets 🙂
  • So many video chats!  Anyone else?
  • Opportunity to saturate in quality time with the people you live with, OR
  • Opportunity to be a nudist if you live alone.
  • The silence and stillness, and noticing the little things.
  • Creating new routines that will get you through the days/weeks.
  • The compassion and kindness of people that is SHINING right now!
  • Low gas prices – $0.999?!  How many Tupperwares can I fill with gas before I look crazy?

Anyway, there are a lot of things that we can enjoy in our current circumstances.   The work landscape is looking very different for everyone right now.

New co-workers:

New views:

(C lives in some kind of prism-shaped Hobbit house, while my ”office” is well protected from The Virus)

New wardrobe:

Kelsey

(Ms.”Tenderheart” looks sweet, but she’ll take you down!)

No one else wanted to share their current work attire for some reason….

download

…. Give it another week.

We’re so adaptable!  Good work team.  And a special round of applause to everyone still working, holding down operations like CHAMPIONS!  Thank you. 🙂

The Day After Jeansmorrow

“PANDEMIC! PANDEMIC!  Buy all the TP you can so that your final moments will be the cleanest you’ve ever experienced!!”

stock up

Why is this happening?? Is this going to cure you if you catch COVID19?? Is a clean butt the #1 priority in a pandemic situation??  More so than food or water or medicine?!?

Or is it a dad joke that’s out of control …

dad

Or is there some ancient mythical power that TP possess against the evil of pandemic viruses that I don’t know about?

toilet paper

What does this mean for your social / political status?  How high up do you have to be to have THIS?!

giant roll

Let’s hope it doesn’t come to this:

looting
12-pack of premium quilted butt tickets, looted then sold for $10,000

Only time will tell.
Wash your hands and don’t be gross.   Byyyyyyeee!

Threat Level Jeansnight

Happy first Thursday of March!
This week’s Jeans Day Weekly is sponsored in part by your local HR department…

Remember the episode of The Office called “Casual Friday”?  What, do you live under a rock?!  Get on that.  Anyway, it’s hilarious, but they have to deal with most of the office taking the “casual” part a little too far and end up revoking casual Fridays altogether.   *gasp!*

One online resources says “while it may be okay to dress down in jeans and sneakers, that doesn’t mean you should be sloppy. Remember that this is still a place where business is conducted, and in order to maintain your professionalism at all times, avoid the urge to dress like you’ve just stepped away from your lawnmower.”  I mean, that seems fair.  So let’s examine what The Office didn’t do so well on, in our own attempt to make sure we keep Jeans Days alive at our office.

Ex. 1

4

Ex. 2

3

Holy heck, I love me some lounge wear, but it is best reserved for times when the opportunity for either napping or light sporting activities are higher.  ie. weekends!  😀 😀

Ex. 3

2

While dressing like an “amorphous blob of khaki” is not technically against office dress codes, the shorts and hoodie might be.

Ex. 4

1

Never have I ever envied HR less than in situations like this.  WHAT AND HOW AND WHY?!

Hopefully you are doing better at your office compared to The Office, so good work, you big ol’ amorphous blobs of khaki.

LONG LIVE JEANS DAY!

The Pink Jeanster

This Wednesday, February 26th was Pink Shirt Day.  I’m not going to explain it!  If you don’t already know what it is, read about it here.

All the pink talk make me thing of the Pink Panther… the cat, but also the pink diamond.  Did you know that a big jewelry store chain, let’s call them Friffany & Co., released a Valentine’s Day collection called “Pink Diamonds: The Reality Collection”?  Of course it’s true, I would never lie to you.  See:

Make Up Shop Order Process Timeline Infographic (3)

Harry Potter & the Chamber of Jeans

It’s Black History Month, and Vancouver has a little history of its own. Did you know that Hogan’s Alley (see map below) was Vancouver’s first concentrated Black Canadian community?  It’s true!  Hogan’s Alley was famous for “chicken house” restaurants such as Vie’s Chicken and Steak House, which often doubled as speakeasies, where Nora Hendrix, the one and only Jimi Hendrix’s grandmother, was a cook!  More interesting facts on Hogan’s Alley here.

Hogans Alley

This got me thinking about alleys, which one naturally does from time to time.  What else can you find in a good alley?

~ ~ dream sequence ~ ~

Ooooooo, a bespoke 100 sq. ft. studio suite with coveted street-side entrance, and no bathroom or kitchen for only $1800 a month!  Local neighbourhood hooligans included, free of charge.

Perhaps a little…magic?  Now, I could go into how luring kids into an alley with the promise of magic is all sorts of wrong, but this doesn’t seem like the time or place and that would just kill The MAGIC.

magic

Similar to magic, but also the complete opposite, you might find my life*– I mean a dumpster fire.

my life

[ *Just kidding, my life is awesome.  Better than yours even.]

Perhaps you’ll find LOVE in this most unlikely of places.

love

Discarded and used up, or just waiting for the right person to come along… you decide.

Or maybe you’ll find what you’ve always been looking for that you didn’t find backpacking/partying across Europe when you were 19, or when you impulsively decide to just hike 1,100 miles of the Pacific Crest Trail because what could possibly go wrong, or when you opened a Tuscan villa and met a handsome Italian man who gave you your groove back…YOURSELF.

self

Whatever it is that you come across in the alley, may it fill you with a wonder and lust for life like when Harry first visited Diagon Alley.

harry

Bridget Jeans’ Diary

Since tomorrow is Valentine’s Day (eeeeeye rooooolll) , I’m going to focus on one particular exquisite relationship…

youlove

Oh yeah, that’s right baby!
You don’t like cheesey quotes?  Well too bad.  This one is gonna be an expensive charcuterie board’s worth of fine cheeses!

you

I think we’ve all heard this from our moms at some point.  Yeah I get it, ok MOM.  But, uhh….. yep, she was right.  AGAIN.  If you treat yourself like a trashcan, why would anyone else see the need to treat you otherwise?  Like Tina Turner says, “you’re simply the best!”

neon

Tired of people letting you down? Or not getting you?  Not know what you need?  Well you know who does…YOU!  What an utterly perfect date. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, a solo date is AWESOME.  You can go do whatever the heck you want — ponder art at the gallery for 3 hours, see whatever movie you want, eat ALL the popcorn, buy yourself flowers, go for a nice walk, maybe even… fall in love… with yourself!  OooooOOOOooo, saucy!

lucy

Oh Lucy, you’re so wise.  It’s a hard job loving ourselves sometimes, but apparently it is worth it and does work.  I suppose it’s the idea that you care about yourself which makes you care about others which makes you care about the world and planet which just makes you an all-around better human.

love me

You know what I learned not too long ago?  That you are lovable.  Everyone is.  Even if you are “weird” or whatever other things people call / label you.  That’s exactly why you ARE so lovable!  Because you’re a unique, one-of-a-kind person and the world needs that.  Now give your heart-shaped body a hug!

And like the Queen Herself always says:

ru

Can I get an amen up in here?!
Love you.

Any Given Jeansday

This Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday!  My favourite day of the year!  What is Super Bowl Sunday, you ask?  Gather ye round and let me tell you a tale…

Legend has it that the Super Bowl was left on Earth by the race of giant humanoid aliens that inhabited the planet during the time of the dinosaurs.  It was used for both ceremony and eating.

Due to its magical capabilities, the Super Bowl survived the asteroid impact that claimed the lives of most of the dinosaur lives on Earth, and was uncovered deep in the mountains of Nepal in the year 1212.  As you can see, the decoration on the bowl has heavily influenced Asian art for centuries since its discovery.

bowl

Seen above with its devoted caretaker, Leon, in an undisclosed location, the Super Bowl is now used as a sort of oracle for predicting the future return of the humanoid aliens.  It’s filled with sacred fish broth, wherein Leon soaks for a full moon cycle.

 

bathe

Once the broth has become a Leon soup, he adds a carefully selected variety of local vegetables, herbs and spices, and noodles (his favourite is ramen).  Then he eats it.  By eating the soup, Leon will be able to foresee either the day the humanoids shall return, or the day that his successor will be born.

soup

This Super Bowl Sunday, a new Super Bowl caretaker will be born to us!  A child, born of bowl, to learn the ways of the Super Bowl from Leon, to someday take over his exceedingly important trade as soup soakee and oracle.  Here is a shot from Leon’s bowl birth in 1942:

child

(he later decided that pigtails weren’t for him)
So this Sunday, gather round with your hot wings and nachos, in your ceremonial jerseys, bowls on heads, to celebrate the coming of the Successor.  A Happy Super Bowl to all!

Jeansephine

This week started with a really kick to the groin with a lady at work passing away.  She was a bundle of giggles, ray of sunshine was such a delightful person to be around.  She told me almost every single week that she just loved my Jeans Day emails.  So this week is dedicated to her!

Well, we’re back to Vancouver winter again – warmer, but depressing as heck.  There’s also a new plague upon us – coronavirus –  which I think I must have (heads up) because I’m sick again.  The third Monday in January is typically the saddest day of the year for people.  It’s been a rough week.  Lucky for me, an innocent Google search revealed that there are many things that one can cry into…

google

All great suggestions.
What else could you cry into as the state of this cruel world sucks your soul (ironically) dry of happiness?

Christmas Cake (apparently)
Let’s face it, that cake is too old to eat now anyway.  May as well stifle your whimpers with it.  I bet it would feel really funny to stick your face into a cake.  You might even crack a smile.  OH!  Face cake therapy!  I invented it first!

cake

Money  Bills  A basket of old phone chargers
Dry your eyes with a pile of money? Ha!  More like bills!  But everything is paperless now.  So what’s left to catch your tears??  Why a tangled pile of old phone chargers and miscellaneous tech cables weaved together as complexly as the gamut of emotions in your heart, of course!

chargers

A pillow shaped like a dog
Why a dog?  Because it’s better than a regular pillow!  Jeez, how depressing would THAT be?

pillow

A bowl of ice cream
If I know anything, it’s that nothing and no one listens better than a bowl of ice cream.  The real good stuff.  Probably chocolate peanut butter – that seems to be the most sympathetic flavour.
(emotional eater, much?!)

ice cream

A glass vile
Everyone knows that if you’re out crying all haphazardly, that some stranger can catch and ingest your tears thereby stealing your youth.  So collect your own tears in a haunted Victorian vile and save them for your retirement, baby!

vile

You rock, J.H.