Crazy Rich Denim

Happy Friday, you little jeanseronies.   Monday is Valentine’s Day, so no doubt this weekend will be busy with people getting out on dates with their lovers.  And whether your lover is a fine wine, some dining, or a fine classical concerto, you’ll definitely need some fine denim to get out and enjoy those things.  That means FINE price tag too… 

Maybe your idea of dressing to the nines means looking like you rolled off the back of a garbage truck, BUT you have expensive taste.  Well thank GOODNESS Balenciaga has you covered.  This classic plump-elderly-farmer-hand-me-down silhouette is all the rage on the runways this year and goes for a mere $2950!  It’s certain that people will see you on Valentine’s Day wearing this and 100% be concerned about your mental well-being.  A cry for help?  No, it’s FASHION.

What the-?!  Is that….???  Whoa, for a moment I thought this was a very inappropriate image on the back of a jean jacket.  It’s a cartoon DOG, perverts.  No doubt you’ll be turning some heads in this.  That’s what high fashion is though — strangers staring in wonderment at whether you are very stylish, or off your rocker wearing a spray painted di– I mean DOG — on your jacket.  You can’t unsee it.  It looks like something made by an 8 year-old and it costs $2700.  YOU’RE WELCOME.

For the more playful, you may want to don these jeans when you’re out with your honey.  And if you’re wondering if they are Tony the Tiger inspired jeans, haha, how ridiculous would that be!? …. You’d be absolutely correct.  They are Moschino x Kellogg’s Tony the Tiger jeans.  A collaboration we all didn’t even realize we needed.  Are they for kids / teens?  Well maybe, if you spend $1185 on your child’s jeans.

“But what if I want to wear something that would make me look like an expensive chandelier while also ensuring I would sink like a rock in a river?” you might ask.  Well I have the answer for you!  These elegantly hand-chained AMIRI jeans, shown here paired with runners (face palm), will definitely get you noticed or mistaken for an off-duty knight.  It’s too bad that for $7800 you’d only be able to wear them once because, knowing necklace chains, these would get SO TANGLED, you’d have to cut yourself out of them.  Wear with caution!

Did you know that dressing like a ratty douche bag at a UFC fight who doesn’t know how to do laundry could cost you $250,000?  Well now you do!  These are some of the world’s most expensive jeans made by Dussault Apparel.  “Why would dirty bedazzled pants that look like Value Village rejects worn by a meth dealer cost that much?”  I do not know.  Believe it or not, I do not have all the answers, especially when it comes to fashion.  I obviously haven’t the slightest clue in that department.  

All the best out there on Valentine’s Day.  My only wish for you is that you gorge yourself on chocolate. 

Ratapantsouille

Happy Jeans Day, ya vermin. 
Groundhog Day?  HA!  Try COVID Year!  You dumb groundhogs, we’re already living in a real life loop of ups and downs, restrictions eased then tightened, vaccines and more vaccines!  Plus there are six more weeks of the DEAD OF WINTER now.  Do I sound exasperated enough?!?  Jeez louise.  The daily grind feels extra hard when you don’t have much to look forward to, ie. a vacation or busy social calendar.  Luckily you can always just escape into a good book which is just as fun! HAHAHHAHAHAAHAA!  Not. 

I feel like I’m reaching my limits.  So here to help you out are five signs that you’re losing it too! 

1.  You watch all of Netflix

If you sit down to watch TV, flip through all five of your streaming services and say “aw, there’s nothing good left to watch” — ummm, that’s a sign that you need to NOT be sitting on your couch.  Trust me, I know.  I’m getting close to this point.  Sometimes I forget that you can enjoy fresh air and outdoors from the outdoors, not just through a window.  There’s LIFE out there!

2.  Your romantic partner becomes your “best friend”

Your lover being your best friend is a version of Stockholm Syndrome. IT’S A BAD SIGN.   You only think that way because you’re not getting out to enjoy life enough!  Go hang with your actual best friend(s) (Best Friend is a tier, not a person — thank you, Mindy Kaling).  It’s a lovely sentiment and addition to your sappy-ass wedding vows, but you can’t be best friends with the person you boink on the regular.  Your best friend is the person you talk to about the boinking.  Go hang out with them. They probably miss you and your boinking stories.

3.  You rearrange the furniture in your living room….again

Anything to make those same four walls look slightly different!  I hit this wall last night.  WOW, was my mind racing!  The creative decorating juices were flowing and I had all the ideas.  We built a tiny home office in our storage room this month and now I want my living room too look a Pinterest DREAM! My partner told me to ease up.  The TV is attached to the wall in our 150 sq. ft. living room, so options are minimal at best.  No matter how hard I try, it’s never going to look be Pinterest worthy.

4.  You talk to all your plants

Has this ever happened to anyone else? …
I’m tending to my plants and checking in with each of them, when my partner asks me if I’m talking to him.  I reply “no, I was talking to the plants”. 
 
I was talking to the plants. 
…
So if you find yourself speaking to succulents, fighting with a ficus, or conversing with a cactus, you too may be reaching your breaking point.  Time to get out there a find a hobby! Make some (human) friends!

5.  Going in to work is an exciting change of pace

Remember when we weren’t allowed to work from home and going to work every single day was such a drag?  But now the days you get to go into the office are exhilarating!  Commuting on transit?  Oooooooo baby, yeah.  What a treasured time amongst the general populous!  Seeing a few co-workers’ faces instead of your own in the mirror, putting on hard pants and doing your hair.  Taking pride in your appearance is such a treat!  But… only once a week.  Let’s not overdo it. Adulting is exhausting.

HAPPY WEEKEND! 🙂

Down Perijeans!

Well it looks like my two weeks off from writing this nonsense has turned into a FIVE!  Ooops.  I was busy, ok?!  ….

And just like that, 2022 has violently swung open like an old timey saloon door in your face.  WHOOSH!  What’s life feel like now? Here’s how I communicated it to my therapist:

You’re on a submarine.  Not by choice, you had to board for…science or something.  No, no, it was the end of the world and the only safety from the zombies was this sub!  Yes!  Two years ago when you boarded, it was a state of the art sub, but the novelty has long since worn off. 

You’ve been at sea for almost two years.  Same people, same four (?) round (?) walls, same daily briefing, same deep sea exploration and missile evading.  Each winter, the sub descends into the dark depths of the sea and you retreat to your coffin-sized bunk with Netflix (I assume subs have wifi). 

Then in the summer you’re allowed to surface and open the top hatch to look at the sun.  You have the opportunity to celebrate with your nearest friends! 

Then you hear word that we’re headed for land!  “Land ho!”  Never have words from the Commander’s mouth sounded sweeter!  You pull out your standard issue binoculars and take a look for yourself.  And there it is — LAND. 

When the sub is just about 60 km off shore, another briefing:  “Good afternoon crew of the SS Eternal Lockdown.  We have just received word from land that we are not going to be docking after all.  We’ll be required to stay out at sea, albeit nearby, until further notice.  But at least you can go swimming as much as you want! Diving contest anyone?! Thank you for choosing Eternal Lockdown, enjoy your day. Byeeeeeeeeee!”  

And here we are, still at sea with no definite end in sight.  I have made some fun goals for this year, some of which I will NEVER do, but knowing that they’ll likely get shut down by COVID, I “bravely” added them to my list.  So hang in there, girl bosses! We got this! Slay all day! It’s wine o’clock somewhere!

Mrs. Dungareefire

Here we are again, another Friday Jeans Day! And if you’re anything like me, the jeans you’re wearing today are somehow COVERED in glitter. Thanks a lot, Christmas!

The winter holidays are all about family and friends, eating and drinking, and spending time together.  It’s a joyous time, but also exhausting.  So much visiting, now that we’re allowed to again, and driving and indulging. Sometimes I wish you could say things to people without, you know, saying it to them.  Gently insinuating.  That’s why I’ve created a carefully curated series of elegant cushions to have around your home during the holidays — or ANY time of the year. Here are a few of them:

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU NEED TO BE ASKED?!  Just do it.  All the time.  There is Candy Cane Pie scented soap and probably a cute embroidered hand towel in the bathroom for just such an occasion.  There is still a pandemic happening and people (mostly kids) still get sick during the winter.  Wash.  Your.  Hands.  You. Are. Gross.

“Are you sure you’ve had enough to eat?” – Moms. 
What a privilege it is to be able to say that.  If only Moms understood that we are, for sure, 100% to-the-brim, full and will not be going to bed hungry after the feasts they have prepared.  We can’t walk, barely able to talk, so yes, we’ve had enough to eat.  Also pretty trashed on those spiced orange martinis. Weeeee!

I feel like 10:00 is a perfectly reasonable time to kick guests out.  It’s not too early, not too late, enough time to have several courses of food and dessert, several spiced orange martinis (they go down so easy), play some games, then GET OUT.  There’s a mountain of dishes to do before the food coma engulfs us all!

Here’s how this conversation goes with my family:

“Ok Dad, no more talking politics.”
“I know, we need to take a break from talking about Trump all the time.  Did you see the last thing he tweeted?”
“Dad…”
“He’s such a moron, it’s a wonder he can even get himself up in the morning. Thenumberofthingsthathesaysthatbecomeajokeinthemedia…..”

You get it.  There are so many other things that we can talk about at the dinner table besides the ever-dividing political landscape.  Positive things like baby animals and baby humans and when are you two having babies?  NOPE.  That’s another no-go.  I’m sure we have other things to talk about….

Listen, it’s hard to buy for adults who are self-sufficient and buy everything they need and want for themselves.  We shouldn’t take it so personally if someone wants to return or exchange a gift we’ve given.  OR feel bad about exchanging something that we’d never ever in a million years ever use for something that we would.  (“A gift card to Claire’s? Wow…thank you…”) Why do we feel so bad about hoarding the crap that people give us?!  If loved ones really knew us that well, they’d get it right.  Right? Nah, just kidding! We all just want the cash.

Children, adults, theatre kids of all ages, please — SHUT UP.  No one needs to hear your karaoke carol medley or your entire holiday concert reprised for the family’s enjoyment.  There is a time and a place for karaoke and it’s not in a living room. It’s hot, we’re full, plastered on spiced orange martinis, and about to pass out.

So there you go! Get them from my Etsy page before they sell out! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Love Actualjean

Happy Friday my jean queens!  Hey, remember in the dark ages when you had to physically go to every store that you wanted to buy a gift from?  What an UTTER NIGHTMARE!  Thankfully the internet was invented and now thirty years later we can use it to shop online.  Anyway, that’s not at all related to this week’s post, I just needed to express my thanks and appreciation to the boss of the internet.  

I don’t know if you heard, but Starbucks didn’t bring back their iconic eggnog latte this year.  “*GASP!*  But it’s a STAPLE!” said all the basic b-words (we’ve all been one).  It makes me wonder what other festive drink ideas were left on the boardroom floor after the pitch meeting.  So here they are: rejected Starbucks holiday beverages 2021!

Hot Consumerism Chocolate – Mix milk chocolate with 2 pumps overspending, 1 pump guilt, topped with whipped need to people please. 

Family Time Misto – Equal parts large family to tiny house, 1 pump screaming germ kids, 1 pump stress migraine.

Overindulgence Frappuccino – Blend a lot of cocktails, baked goods, chocolate, candy, and large dinners with ice.  Top with whipped cream, crushed candy cane fitness goals, and hangover caramel sauce!

Air Travel Macchiato – Start with 2 shots of eternally long security lines, add hot steamed bad weather delays, and drizzle with an excess of giant carry ons trying to be stuffed into the overhead bins.  

Uncle Grinch Mocha – Mix uncle with a dark roast past with vaguely racist steamed oat milk, 2 pumps of chronic bad attitude, 2 pumps of ungrateful gift recipient syrup, top with a swirl of complains-about-politics-but-never-votes, and sprinkle with pee all over the toilet seat.

Boxing Day Latte – Add steamed shoppers to a limited parking espresso and sprinkle with “is Boxing Day shopping still a thing?!” shavings.  May contain traces of stress migraines. 

It should be noted that I don’t know anything about fancy coffee-based beverages, so don’t come for me in the comments.  I’m a tea drinker.  That’s right, I enjoy a hot cup of brown leaf water!

The Day After Jeansmorrow

Well this week went by quickly.  Or does it just seem that way because we’ve been in a rain-soaked, dark, cloudy haze this week.  Anyone else want to crawl into a blanket fort and hibernate?  YIPES.  

Here in BC, we survived another “atmospheric river” this week.  Ever since climate change has become a front page issue over the past decade, meteorologists seem to be BORED of the old weather system names.  No longer “heat waves” or “rainstorms”, we have “Heat Domes” and “Atmospheric Rivers”!  I suppose weather systems more catastrophic than ever before necessitate greater adjectives.  It can’t be easy coming up with all these phrases that make the front page of the Weather Times.  And being the weather expert that I am, I humbly offer my own meteorological nomenclatures for consideration.  

• Cumulus Confusion

This occurs when there is a high pressure system rising from the south and a low pressure system moving from the north and they converge in a crowded mass of clouds.  Neither system is able to pass by the other, and the clouds smash into each other creating a great confusion.  A Cumulus Confusion results in an apocalyptically dark sky and funnel clouds.  And a LOT of lightning.  

• Wet Blanket 

This occurs when the atmosphere decides that plain old winter weather should be more devastating.  Thick, cottony snowflakes fall at the rate of the stock markets in 2008, and with the heaviness of a thick, wet blanket.  Power lines are DOWN; School is CANCELLED; Driving is TEDIOUS.  

• Slick Drench

A slick drench is A) a commuting disaster, and B) an assault on the human tailbone.  Slick drench is intense freezing rain, and as we all know, rain + freezing temperatures = ice.  EVERYWHERE.  Walking — Ha, good luck!  Driving — You fool!  Taking the bus — they can’t even make it up a slight hill.  Stay home.  Your tailbone will thank you.

• Turgid Mop Bucket Surplus

Speaks for itself, doesn’t it?  I’ll explain for those of you who aren’t weatherheads.  In layman’s terms, this is when a river busts its banks, spreading muddy water all over the land.  A flood, I guess.  

• Hillside Deconstruction (AKA Slippery Whoops)

Sometimes a Turgid Mop Bucket Surplus or even a Slick Drench can result in a Hillside Deconstruction.  When a hillside that has been clear cut becomes saturated with water and there is nothing in the soil to keep it stable or to absorb all the moisture, the result is a Slippery Whoops; the hillside becomes “mush” (weather term) and slides down across important highways blocking passage of people and goods between towns, and sometimes even taking lives.  Hillside Deconstructions are “major bummers”, as they say in the weather biz.

• Hellfire Chinook 

Southern Alberta may be known for its chinooks in the winter, but as the climate changes, they are sure to be popping up in the summer too.  As if prairie summers don’t get hot enough, a Hellfire Chinook occurs when warm, dry air off the mountains sweeps salmon across the land.  Concerning because salmon don’t usually frequent jet streams, especially in the summer.  

Thankfully, this weekend looks less extreme.  We have a possibility of some Flying Fluffies with temperatures hovering around the freezing mark.  Seasonal for this time of year.  We’ll take a look at the rest of your seven day forecast next.  Back to you, Reader.

Cloudy with a Chance of Jeanballs

Happy Friday, ya turkeys!  Now that Black Friday descends heavily upon us this November 26th, American hereby declared to the world that the countdown to Christmas has officially begun.  I feel the last remaining drops of reasonable purchasing judgment seeping out of my eyeballs as tears.  Ahhh, consumerism.  But hey, I got a good deal on a new couch, so… 

I can’t help but think about turkeys at this time of year.  Not as the cornerstone to a festive meal, but as the founders of modern denim.  Yes, you read that correctly and it’s quite a story. So gather ‘round children, Nana Nessy has a tale to tell… 

Once upon a time, long before the time of humans, turkeys ruled the Earth.  You’ve heard the theories that dinosaurs had feathers?  Well, those were actually the very earliest turkeys, and they ruled these lands with an iron beak.  Rafters of turkeys (that’s what a group of them is called) roamed the great plains in search of berries to nibble on and nothing could come between them and their berries.  Nothing — except a nasty atmospheric river.  As everyone knows, turkeys truly despise getting their plumage wet because then they can’t fly up to the highest branches of the trees for sleepy time.

Luckily the rafter’s clairvoyant turkey, known as Tom the Seer, announced the imminent coming of a rain storm so torrential that they would be damp for upwards of two days.  “That’s two days we won’t be able to rule over our territory and will have to sleep on the ground like common Stegosaurs!” gobbled the matriarch hen.  “How will terrorize the flightless Pachycephalosaurus without a good night’s sleep?!”  

That’s when a wide-eyed turkey chick named Maybelline piped up.  “Um…I might have an idea.”  The rafter was silenced and turned curiously to acknowledge her.  “Well what is it, Maybelline?” probed the Matriarch.  “Well, um, what if we fashion ourselves some coverings for our wings and legs with these large leaves to protect us from the cold and rain?  I’ve actually already designed a prototype and they work very well.”  Maybelline revealed her leaf suit and quickly climbed into it.  “I call it a Denin because it when you wear it you don’t have to be stuck in a den.  You can live everyday like it’s fear-mongering Friday.”  

Perplexed turkeys stared at Maybelline in silence for a moment before erupting in applause at her innovative idea!  “An ingenious idea, young Maybelline!” praised the Matriarch.  “And fear-monger we shall, protecting our sweet berries from all other species.” 

The turkeys spent the rest of the day gathering sturdy leaves and creating their variations of the Denin suits.  Maybelline quickly raised up the ranks in the rafter, becoming a top gobbler in the areas of science and technology.  

And so the very first iteration of denim was invented by none other than a young prehistoric turkey.   Something to truly give thanks for every Friday when we climb into our jeans for work. 

The Revenpant

Well would you look at that.  We’ve found ourselves at yet another JEANS DAY. We did it!

And just as quickly as things have opened up, winter has descended upon us and it’s time to hibernate.  Here on the west coast it’s dark and wet which makes you start feeling like moving back to Alberta would be a fantastic idea, but over there it’s snowing 15 cm in one day, so you start to question hoW ArE YoU GOiNg tO MakKE It ThRoUGh AnoTHeR wiNteR?!  (Unless you’re a skier — they seem to be very ok with winter.  Weirdos.)  With many places across the continent experiencing their first winter storms of the season this past week, it’s been a not-so-gentle reminder that IT’S WINTER NOW. DEAL WITH IT.  Easier said than done.  It’s like some wise old sage (probably) once said: “winter storms mean head indoors”.  So I’m exploring some new ways to cope with the winter this year.

1.  Getting Handsy

Get reacquainted with your hands.  No, not like THAT.  I mean doing something crafty/creative.  For example, I am having a LOVE affair with yarn these days.  YOU get a crocheted thing for Christmas!  And YOU get a crocheted thing for Christmas!  EVERYONE gets a crocheted thing for Christmas!! 
You get to work towards a product that you can use or wear, and feel like you’re a pioneer in days of yore, making things (almost) from scratch. But you could do other things like doodling caricatures, or sleight of hand magic!  YOU could become the person at parties that everyone….loves.

2. Get baked 

Baking, and eating said baking, is a huge job during the colder months of the year, basically from Halloween until the winter holidays begin. How unfair is it that the rest of nature gets to fatten up before winter but we don’t have to?  It’s an utter OUTRAGE.  So bake some treats for guests (because we’re allowed to now!), for your co-workers (back in the office!), or for yourself (self-love, baby!) and help the world build up their fat stores for the colder months ahead.

3. Get spirited

Forget the craft beer, that is SO five years ago.  Don’t you know everyone is distilling spirits now?  And oh do those spirits ever lift my spirits!  Making cocktails is like a fun chemistry experiment but you get drunk at the end!  And also like science experiments, fun to do with others, but dangerous to do alone.  That’s basically how every superhero/villain movie starts — a secret science experiment gone wrong.  Exciting!

3. Escape to another world

Work that permanent butt-dent into your couch by getting caught up on all the new shows that everyone is talking about.  Squid Games?  Is that a seafood cooking competition?!  My expectations are SO high!  There are so many streaming services out now, one might wonder how many subscriptions is too many? …asking for a friend.  Luckily that friend also has friends who give her their passwords, so she has six streaming channels for FREE.  Great friends.   Watching shows also works well with doing handicrafts (see #1) — Productivity!

5. Go out…I guess

I mean, I guess you could go out and enjoy other indoor places.  Support local theatre, comedy, music, and art if you want to… I hear it’s important.  These places have become casual enough that you probably don’t even have to change into “hard pants”.  Actually yeah, do that.  Go out, spend some of your money that you’ve been miserly hoarding this last year and a half and support the Arts.  

Soft pants 4 lyfe!

HOUSE OF JEANCCI

Happy Jeans Day, my fellow worker bees! It’s a Friday that also feels like a Monday after having Remembrance Day off… I fear it’s gonna be a long one. Let’s not dwell on that though.

Ooooo, it’s sweater season now, isn’t it?!  “Oh, sweata weather, I just love sweata weather!”  Going on chilly afternoon walks on leaf covered trails with numb fingers and runny noses, then coming home to make a cup of hot cocoa or tea and snuggling up to watch a movie in a blanket fort.  MMM!  It’s the time of year when everyone starts to knit or crochet (never both — pick a side!), proclaiming to all their loved ones that they will be getting something handmade for Christmas. (Apologies in advance, friends and family.)  

It’s also the time of year when we bring out all our thickest, chunkiest, knittiest items of clothing. We drape our drooping carcasses head to toe in layers preparing for hibernation mode.  Like a bear puts on fat for winter, humans put on knitwear.

The fashion industry is well aware of our collective obsession with sweata weather and has applied it to most every aspect of fashion.  Let’s explore some examples, shall we?

Ex. 1:  The oversized knit sweater.  GIANT.  So big that Ariana Grande would wear it as a dress with a pair of go-go boots.  Is that a sweater you’re wearing, or the top half of a mascot costume? Either way — Cute!

Ex. 2: Sweater tank tops.  I think I had one in junior high, the late 90s, which means they are for sure back in style now.  They’re knit, but also sleeveless so who knows which season are they meant to be worn in!  Too warm for the summer, but not warm enough for winter.  It’s been a confusing and contentious topic of conversation for decades, which is why I imagine they keep going in and out of style.  

Ex. 3: Knit UGG boots.  OMG, you’ve seen them.  You’ve seen them when they’re brand new in a store window and thought “wow, cute booties!”  Then you’ve seen them in real life on a torrential winter’s day and thought “those are some nasty and impractical excuses for boots”.  Like a Ferrari can go from zero to 60 in four seconds (probably), these UGGs go from classy to trashy in 60 seconds flat. Designed in Australia and popularized by celebs in LA where winter is more of a commercial season, these things are a disaster almost anywhere else in the world.  And if you’ve owned a pair then you know they are more of an indoor slipper.

Ex. 4: The long sweater coat.  Sure, Oprah can OWN a long duster sweater while she glides through the halls of Harpo Studios, but she’s Queen Oprah — how dare you compare yourself to her!? Your punishment for thinking you could EVER compare to her is buying a long duster sweater for yourself (fool) and learning the hard way. It’s long and gets in the way of everything from getting into a car, to elevators, to sitting down on the toilet.  It’s also super absorptive, so when it gets wet — which it will in winter — it is heavier than hauling four large toddlers on your person.  And equally as dirty as four toddlers since it’s constantly getting caught and dragged… and probably peed on.

Ex. 5: Scrunchies and headbands.  More 80s and 90s trends making a big comeback.  (Maybe this is my year to be cool!) Even your hair can get bundled in knits with a crocheted scrunchie or a cute headband that says “I love an eggnog latte AND doing yoga.  Do you even organic??”  You’ll feel better than everyone else… because you ARE.

It’s truly the best time of year to hunker and bundle in a pile of yarn.  It’s extra special this year for all of us who have spent the last year and a half as recluses cooking meals for six or baking two dozen cookies and then eating it all alone in the darkness of a COVID haze.  (Oops.)

THE JEANING DAYLIGHTS

Happy Jeans Day my friends. I hope you are wearing your finest freshly pressed jeans to work today.

In this modern age of convenience, there are, of course, many things that have become useless.  Things that were perhaps useful at one time, but no longer serve a purpose and are now considered antiquated.  For example:

• Fax machines – ever heard of email?
• The human appendix – does it exist just to make us sick??
• Laser discs
• That weird cable that is USB at one end and something else on the other end.  It doesn’t fit a phone or the TV or anything else that needs charging.  What is that damn thing for?!
• Male nipples, and… 
• Daylight saving time

Besides fax machines which some offices still consider a valid form of communication, the only other thing on this list that truly infuriates and befuddles me is DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME — which is happening this Sunday, November 7th.  

Why?  WHY? Whhhhhyyy?!  We no longer work by candlelight or rely on the light of the sun to live our lives, so who are we saving this daylight for?  So calendar makers have something to write in the square for the first Sunday in November?  We are going to have slightly more daytime in the morning which means when we get home from work, it’ll be the dead of night.  I honestly cannot think of another reason why it exists anymore.  Yes, this Sunday we gain an extra hour, but it’s an illusion.  A lie!  It’s just borrowed time from the Spring!  That extra hour to sleep in is really just an excuse to laze the entire day away after staying up extra late on Saturday.  Admit it.  

Things you think you’ll do with the extra hour:

• Workout!
• Well thought out grocery shop
• Meal prep for the week
• Clean behind fridge and stove
• Organize storage closet
• Scrub bathroom
• Finish reading that book you started in March
• Organize all the photos on phone and computer into folders, prepare and order photo books, and save photos to an external hard drive for future generations to enjoy

What you actually do with the extra hour: 

• Eat an entire bag of chips to myself
• Fall asleep watching Ted Lasso
• Order take out

Just me?  
If anything, we’re probably more productive when daylight saving starts in the Spring and we lose an hour.  Then we feel like we have to be extra productive to get all the things done in what seems like a 4 hour day.  The weekend is cut practically in HALF because we lose that hour!  It’s a panic!  Line ups at the store for canned goods and toilet paper.  You clean your house as if your mother-in-law is coming over because you won’t get another chance this week since each year it seems the days get shorter AND SHORTER!  And then the next thing you know, it’s Sunday night and you have to go to work again the next day — it’s INHUMANE!  

“Get outta my way! Don’t you know I have 1 less hour to LIVE MY LIFE today?!”
“I need Costco hot dogs to cope!”
“I’m so stressed about daylight saving time that I might poop myself to death!”

I guess I just don’t feel the need to hang on to practices that no longer serve our society.  You’ll come around though.  You will.  Heed my words.  When this Sunday evening rolls around and you are taking inventory of your day, how will you have used that “extra” hour?  Did you meal prep and get ripped?  Yeah, didn’t think so.

CATWOMAN RETURNS

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the MOST wonderful time of the year — HALLOWEEN! And the mighty comeback of the Jeans Day Weekly. Come along with me on a journey, won’t you?

[dream sequence]

It’s October 31, 1992 in Edmonton, Alberta.  We’ve just finished our tomato soup and grilled cheese dinner and are getting ready to go out trick or treating.  My mother is a master of creating costumes for us — none of the store-bought renditions!  She brainstormed for months, then scavenged and sewed and glued items so that we could have an authentic (affordable) portrayal of our chosen character.  Mom always had us in costumes that could easily be winterized. This meant that it had to fit over top of our snowsuits for, as you’ll recall, we’re in Edmonton and it’s already the dead of winter by October 31st.   

I am a timid seven year-old.  I enjoy doing crafts, fading into the background, and playing house/school/horses with my siblings.  After seeing the 1992 blockbuster Batman Returns, something had changed in me and I instantly decide — I want to dress up as Catwoman for Halloween!  Yes, CATWOMAN.  My mom is stunned when I, the quietest, most unassuming seven year-old who most people probably forgot existed, proclaim that I want to fully embody Hollywood’s sultriest leather-clad sex kitten when I’m obviously more of a Penguin child. I can still see her face.

“Seriously?? What the F?” – Mom

My rendition is a far cry from Michelle Pfeiffer’s — thankfully.  Mom has me in a black turtleneck and leggings (it’s 1992, after all), and she made me a hood with ears, a mask, and a little whip.  Yup, even the whip!  I do appreciate Mom’s dedication to recreating the FULL character. It’s a wonder I’m not a professional dominatrix as an adult with such an early predilection for dominant female characters with whips.  Truly a wonder.

In getting ready, Mom insists that we get our snowsuits on first.  I and my two younger siblings, dressed as Robin Hood and Pippi Longstocking, layer our homemade masterpieces over our snowsuits, getting our toques, mitts, and boots on, slowly losing any semblance of our characters.  “But it will ruin my costume”, I protest.  She assures me that everyone will still know who I am.  I have a whip, for pete’s sake.  My pleas fall on deaf ears and I am forced to bulk up my sleek ensemble. Then off we go into the pitch black 6 o’clock night: a chubby Robin Hood, a chubby Pippi and a modest, stalky Catwoman.  Not exactly the image I was hoping to portray, but what choice do I have as a dumb kid?

We walk over to our friend’s place down the street to meet up for candy solicitation.  I am fully feeling my feline fantasy. I strut the suburban sidewalks, clawing at the air with my gloved fingers. Our friend comes outside dressed as Princess Jasmine which, I can confirm, absolutely does NOT translate well from under a snowsuit. 

She has the sparkly turquoise cropped top on over her jacket.  “What the heck?  What was she thinking choosing a skin-baring costume in this climate?!”, my practical little brain judged.  I thought I had it bad, but this…this is a disaster.  She looks adorable, but not like Princess Jasmine.  This little girl doesn’t care though.  In her mind, she is exuding all the beauty and poise of an Arabian princess. Beefy Robin Hood and an over-stuffed Pippi don’t seem to care about their costumes either. Why? Because they are embodying the Spirit of Halloween, which is to have fun and pretend. I forgot about those things because I was fixated on authenticity. So I changed my tune and had one of the most memorable Halloweens I can remember. And since that Halloween, I have dressed up as Catwoman three more times in my life without the snowsuit, so there MOM.

So be YOURSELF (not actually yourself, that’s a boring non-costume) and portray a character however want; a sultry Michelle Pfeiffer or a G-rated princess. HAPPY HAUNTING!

Any Given Jeansday

This Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday!  My favourite day of the year!  What is Super Bowl Sunday, you ask?  Gather ye round and let me tell you a tale…

Legend has it that the Super Bowl was left on Earth by the race of giant humanoid aliens that inhabited the planet during the time of the dinosaurs.  It was used for both ceremony and eating.

Due to its magical capabilities, the Super Bowl survived the asteroid impact that claimed the lives of most of the dinosaur lives on Earth, and was uncovered deep in the mountains of Nepal in the year 1212.  As you can see, the decoration on the bowl has heavily influenced Asian art for centuries since its discovery.

Seen above with its devoted caretaker, Leon, in an undisclosed location, the Super Bowl is now used as a sort of oracle for predicting the future return of the humanoid aliens.  It’s filled with sacred fish broth, wherein Leon soaks for a full moon cycle.

 

Once the broth has become a Leon soup, he adds a carefully selected variety of local vegetables, herbs and spices, and noodles (his favourite is ramen).  Then he eats it.  By eating the soup, Leon will be able to foresee either the day the humanoids shall return, or the day that his successor will be born.

This Super Bowl Sunday, a new Super Bowl caretaker will be born to us!  A child, born of bowl, to learn the ways of the Super Bowl from Leon, to someday take over his exceedingly important trade as soup soakee and oracle.  Here is a shot from Leon’s bowl birth in 1942:

(he later decided that pigtails weren’t for him)
So this Sunday, gather round with your hot wings and nachos, in your ceremonial jerseys, bowls on heads, to celebrate the coming of the Successor.  A Happy Super Bowl to all!

Beetlejeans

Happy Thursday, my little pretties.
There are many Halloweeny things going on this weekend.  Lots of haunted houses and parties full of ghosts, zombies, witches, and other fantastical things.  But here are some truly terrifying, nightmare-inducing, all too real haunted house themes – for the adults.

High School Reunion Theme

Remember when you were in high school and you were awkward and greasy and didn’t have a real sense of who you were as a person?  Come and relive that all over again, but 20 years later and it’s a dry event!  And in this terrifying scenario of your haunting past, everyone you went to high school with is doing really well and looking very good. You are not.  You are sober as hell, still awkward, especially greasy, and probably wearing Spanx.

Losing-everything-and-having-to-move-back-home-with-your-aging-parents Theme

It’s not the worst thing in the world.  They love you so much, of COURSE they’ll take you in.  #blessed   They won’t even ask you for any rent.  But you have to ask to borrow the car.  You have to check in with them every time you go out or come home and who were you with and where did you go and who’s coming to pick you up??  Dinner is at 5:30 sharp every day.  Loud news networks are on the TV 16 hours a day.  You’re a teenager again trapped in an adult’s body.  Goodbye love life, hello celibacy.  What. A. NIGHTMARE.

Go-to-Ikea-on-a-Saturday-afternoon-to-get-one-Kallax-bookcase-and-having-to-transport-it-on-the-Skytrain-BY-YOURSELF Theme

This house of horrors has it all.  Crowds; cumbersome items;  public transit; a stranger’s wet sneezes; a lot of walking; and no one around to hear your screams!  Then you get all the way home, a transit journey that took two hours, and realize that the box is missing two screws.  Noooooo!!!

Learning-your-mother-was-right-about-EVERYTHING-and-her-being-there-for-your-realization Theme

Sweet baby Jesus.  This terror mansion wouldn’t be so bad if Mother wasn’t there, but to see her face as she basks in the glory of your defeat and the symphony of “I told you so-s” that would ensue… I already feel sick at the thought.  May no one ever have to experience this in real life.

Having-every-single-dietary-restriction-in-a-world-where-only-McDonald’s-exists Theme

Dairy.  Gluten.  Nuts.  Meat and animal products.  Soy.  Canola oil.  MSG.  You’re allergic to them ALL.  You are forced to sustain yourself on wet shredded lettuce that smells like Big Macs for the rest of your days.  What’s it wet with?  Who knows?!  OOOooooooOOOooo!!

The Music Recital Theme

In this inescapable waking nightmare, you are at your kid’s music recital.  Not so bad, you think?  The instrument is the RECORDER!!  And there are 30 of them, all playing the same song, Hot Cross Buns, on an endless loop, at a variety of tempos.  The squealing starts to take hold of your sanity.  But you can’t leave because you LOVE THAT KID… or do you?  Are you crying tears of blood??

Sweet dreams.

Priscilla Queen of the Jeans Day

Mamma mia, it’s AUGUST already!  What the heck?!  And did you know that this week is PRIDE WEEK in Vancouver?  It’s going to be a fun little weekend.

So I looked up what the current LGBT abbreviation is and…it’s long: LGBTQAI2S+
FYI, that’s:

Lesbian
Gay
Bisexual
Transgender (doesn’t identify as their birth sex)
Queer (sexual & gender minorities who are not heterosexual or cisgender)
Asexual (no sexual association)
Intersex (born with aspects of both male and female genitalia, hormones, and/or chromosomes)
2-Spirited (Indigenous people who have both male and female spirits)
+ (and more)

[Please correct me if I’m wrong about any of this] 

For the sake of being concise in this email, I will use the slightly abridged LGBTQ+.

So you don’t personally identify as LGBTQ+, what can you celebrate and be proud of during Pride?

1. Take PRIDE in your own open-mindedness and acceptance that all humans are equal and deserve love and respect.
2. Take PRIDE in supporting charitable organizations that support our LGBTQ+ buds.
3. Take PRIDE in the fact that we live in a country that allows equal opportunity and rights for all people, no matter your gender or orientation.
4. Take PRIDE in your workplace that embraces all people because diversity is GORGEOUS, honey!
5. Take PRIDE in all the skills and talents our LGBTQ+ friends offer the world that you may otherwise have never had the opportunity to experience.
6. Take PRIDE in your ability to support your LGBTQ+ friends, family, and co-workers who may be facing discrimination.  Be proud to have their backs.
7. Take PRIDE in your everyday actions and words that make the world a more inclusive place for all people.
8. Be PROUD of and inspired by the many LGBTQ+ people who overcame adversity just to be able to be their true selves.

So show your PRIDE tomorrow! And all weekend and ALWAYS!  🙂

National Lampoon’s Cinco de Jeanso

As you may already know, this Saturday is CINCO DE MAYO — a day created specifically to commemorate everyone’s favourite or most hated (it’s one or the other it seems) condiment — MAYONNAISE! 

Since the dawn of civilization, humans have sought after the ideal sauce to slather on their meals.  Then in 1717, deep in the scullery of the Palace of Versailles, a butler carrying Kind Louis XV’s lunch was knocked off balance by a cat chasing a mouse, and collided into a pantry shelf.  A mess of ingredients including:

1 large egg yolk
1 ½ teaspoons fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon white wine vinegar
¼ teaspoon Dijon mustard
½ teaspoon salt, plus more to taste
¾ cup canola oil

…drenched the King’s luncheon.  Without adequate time to prepare another meal for the King, the scullery maid forced the blundering butler to take the meal up to the king and confess that his roast pheasant was coated in a sauce of the butler’s doing.  And so up the butler went…

He served the soiled meal to King Louis and instead blamed the new sauce on the scullery maid!  The King made accusatory eyes at the butler, sliced himself a fork-full of pheasant, lifted it to his mouth, and tasted it…. he loved it!  The butler, now unable to change his story, was forced to let the scullery maid take all the praise for the blunder.  That scullery maid’s name?  Mayonnaise!  And so King Louis XV pronounced the 5^th of May a day to celebrate Madame Mayonnaise and her delicious condiment concoction!

The Japanese were especially receptive to this new culinary delicacy and created their own adorable (of course) brand of mayonnaise which they use at every opportunity.

Mayonnaise has evolved and taken on many saucy forms, like these complicated mayos.

Pretentious fancy boy vegan mayo.

Cute homemade Pinterest mayo in a mason jar with all the organic ingredients  conveniently and neatly captured in the background.

Gross combinations mayo…

For some reason I can handle putting these on a burger individually, but I cannot stomach the idea of the two of them pre-mixed for my convenience.  Ugh gross.  More goodies:

Mayo + ketchup = Mayochup
Mayo + barbecue sauce = Mayocue
Mayo + mustard  = …Mayomust?!

I guess the people at Heinz foresaw complications with a condiment called Mayotard.  Fair enough.

Fun Fact:  Until the writing of this email, I confess that I did not know how to spell “mayonnaise”.  And now I do!  I’m proud of me too.  🙂

HAPPY MAYONNAISE-ING!

 

Land Before Jeans

WE’RE ALMOST THERE!  Just one more day until most of us are on holidays!  Tomorrow is JEANS DAY and, as far as I’m concerned, Holiday Sweater Day, so don your festive finery and have a jolly day.

If you have the honour of being at work next Friday, wear whatever the heck you want.  No one will see you.  Jeans?  Sure.  Velour tracksuit?  Go for it.  Rudolph onesie?  Definitely.  But I should mention that I have absolutely no authority over anyone’s dress code…

As you may have guessed by now, I’m a HUGE dork, and as such, this week’s edition of the Jeans Day Weekly is DINOSAUR THEMED!  Created mainly for my own enjoyment because I don’t give a hoot about what anyone else wants to see.  (Just kidding! I yearn deeply to tickle all your funny bones every single week)  It’s with a message of good tidings and holiday cheer for all, with something that everyone can appreciate.

Remember the things that are most important in life don’t cost a thing.  Ask J-Lo.

Get cuddly with the ones you love that maybe you don’t get to see a lot during the rest of the year.  I myself will be getting a week of Mom Time in, so you know I’ll be drinking heavily…because my mom makes a mean martini and we get drunk together while watching White Christmas and then tell each other how much we love each other.

Give yourself a reason to start a diet in the New Year by focusing on the three main holiday food groups: butter, sugar, and alcohol.  And in this case, dinosaur flesh.

Hopefully you all get to enjoy a balanced mix of crazy family/friends fun, and quiet contemplation.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!  HAPPIEST HOLIDAYS! HAPPY NEW YEAR!  Be safe and have LOTS of fun! 🙂

St. Elmo’s Jeans

Good news!  You can breathe easy knowing that tomorrow you can wear JEANS to work.
Bad News:  You can’t breathe easy because half of Western Canada is on fire and with an air quality alert of 10, it’s equivalent to smoking 7 cigarettes a day.

With so many wildfires are out of control these days, thankfully there is someone who is working tirelessly to remind people of fire safety…SMOKEY THE BEAR!

So sweet with his woodland friends, all smiling and cheerful.

But he means business!

Just look at this cuddly, jeans-wearing, shirtless bear with…abs?  Am I attracted to this fictional bear cartoon?!?  No, no, no!

Yes, right, I need to learn more about him first.  What’s his story?

Obviously he’s very brave, defending his cubs with his strong bear biceps (bearceps). Is he a single dad?!

He obviously has a very tender heart under that furry ranger exterior, teaching his cubs that “lit” doesn’t necessarily mean a good time.

But if you cross him and his cubs and his woodland friends by burning their home to the ground, WATCH. YOUR. BACK.

This is when the bear claws come out — Revenant-style.  You think Leo got it bad, wait until there are cubs involved.

(This poster is so sad it almost makes me cry. But I’m an overly emotional person with an attraction to cartoon bears.)

Well look at that!  He has a cabin on a lake… don’t mind if I do!  I think we’d be very happy together here.  Paradise!

Oh wait — nope, he’s in the States.  Not going down there, thanks!   Sorry, Smokey, it was great while it lasted.  I will heed your words, but not your love.  Also, I’m trying to get away from fictional cartoon guys these days.  They’re very unreliable.

 

20,000 Jeans Under the Sea

This heat wave has got me seeking out places with watery relief on a daily basis — like the beach.  Ohhh the sweet, sweet beach.  You know what else happens at the beach sometimes?  WEDDINGS!

You know when you’re trying to share a romantic moment with your beloved cowboy boots, taking them into your tender botanical embrace on a tropical beach at sunset, but some pesky country couple photo-bombs you?  Ugh, get a room!

Now, I love a theme wedding as much as the next guy, but…

I mean, Survivor might be a choice you look back on later in life and…regret?  And what’s with the ducks hanging over their heads?  Are they actually getting married pond-side?!  Oh jeez, this just took a real turn.

Speaking of regrets, what is this pose about?  It seems like they’re trying to maybe tell a story here, but it’s in a language I can’t quite read.

“Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” or
“I don’t wannnnaaaaa!” or
“Let’s just sit a while, my love” or
“Babe, I’m stuck in this pit of quick sand. Go on without me, live a full and happy life.  But never take another lover, k?”

Everyone NEEDS to have a sexy splash in the sea wedding pic.  Those are the moments to really remember. But reality tends to play out differently…

“Storm is coming in quick.  Just smile for the camera and trudge along. That, dear girl, is what marriage is after all.”  And who’s getting married in this photo? No one will ever know.

HER: I’m a mermaid.  Wild and free and living life to the full —GAH! Help, babe!  It went up my nose.  Sea water is gross!  My veil, it’s drowning me!  Babe!  HELP!
HIM: (laughing)

Stay cool, kids!

Last Jeans Day Hero

Happy Jeans Day Eve, my little flying monkeys!  Since Jeans Day Weekly emails exist to help our office raise money for so many– let’s face it– animal charities every week, it kind of makes us heroes in our own little way.  Heroes in jeans.  Jearoes.
Here are some other heroes in jeans.

Violent and short-tempered, but a hero nonetheless, Wolverine is a Canadian jean-wearing hero.  And he looks pretty good for 120-some-years old–that’s the effect of wearing JEANS!

Who knew that Thor was a Never-Nude?!  I guess we all have our insecurities.

I’ve always thought that jeans were WAY more practical than capes for fighting villains. Who knew that Jeremy Renner had such bangin’ hips!  No wonder he’s got such a confident strut.  Poor Scar Jo though.

Oh whoops!  How did this get in here.  Chris, you scamp.  Stop looking directly at the sun, you’ll burn that smoldering look permanently into your eyes.
He is a Guardian of the Galaxy and a Jurassic Park dino hero, so it’s still on theme.  The theme of my dreams.

And one more lil giggle treat for y’all.  Slightly NSFW, just pretend it says “holy shoot” or “holy darn it” or “what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks?!”…

In the Garden of Jeans & Evil

Welcome to JULY!  It’s Thursday, which means tomorrow is Friday Jeans Day!

As I was frolicking through the sun-drenched meadows of the internet this week, I stumbled upon a veritable minefield.  In this adorable, modern DIY world, it seems that some people have gone too far and are making – PLANTERS OUT OF JEANS!

WARNING: The following images are horrifying and may offend your senses.

If you share in a community garden, this gently informs fellow gardeners that there are consequences for stealing/damaging your plants.  (It involves death, dismemberment, and stuffing)

It’s also not fair that my jeans might look better as a planter than on my own sweet, sweet buns.

Nothing says “Welcome to our home!” like stringing up the lower half of a BODY and forcing it up against a tree.  Sheesus.

Bahahaha!  Look at this little comedian with that one leg up.  So much personality!  It’s almost like there’s a real child in those pants. 

Maybe give them a back story, so we know that, out of your three (former) children, the middle planter is was Macy, the guitar prodigy.

Nice try. That cane isn’t going to help Granny now.

MASSACRE IN LOCAL TOWN: World Renowned Serial Killer Praised for Craftiness by Turning Victims into Whimsical Garden Features

I’m not sure what’s worse: giving them shoes, or stitching the pant legs closed.  Both are equally disturbing.

“Mom got tired of Rachel’s smart mouth, so now I have a sister-plant!”
You’re next Nathan.  Mama’s got a gorgeous begonia and a spot on the porch for ya.

Jeansrassic Park (Feb 8 2018)

Happy Thursday afternoon!  Time for another installment of “Vanessa Goofs Off in an Office-Wide Email”.

Tomorrow’s Jeans Day is supporting the BC SPCA because we all love animals so much!  So bring your toonies for the beary bank in the kitchen. Or donate here if you wish.

I also love the animals of eons past – DINOSAURS!  And I saw the new Jurassic World movie trailer this week, so I’m an excited little nerd.

WHAT?! WHAT?!?

Admittedly there is a lot going on in this picture:

• Dinosaur.
• Dinosaur wearing jeans.
• Dinosaur wearing jeans in a gravel lot with some tanks.

The back story here is that she came through a tear in the space-time continuum as a baby rex.  She was found in a Nebraskan corn field and raised alongside five children.  She grew quickly, as T-Rexes do, and became a valued member of the family farm.  Her one vice — besides eating other farmers’ pigs – was raiding her oldest sister Juanita’s closet which lead to quite the sibling rivalry.

Finally, one hot summer day, Rexy decided to make her own way in the world.  She bought stole, using her own intimidation tactics, her very own pair of jeans, and skipped town with a long haul truck driver named Dean. This picture is Rexy saying “peace out!” to her family.  Not in a spiteful way, but in an I-gotta-go-live-MY-life kind of way.  Work it, girl.

Moving on….

THESE!  Where do I find them?!

 

Never have there been more office-appropriate jeans.  I mean the rips are a little too Scorpio for my liking, but I could work with them.

And just a side note, if anyone finds this guy, send him my way. We will promptly get married and raise many dogs together.  Wow wee.

 

Singin’ In the Jeans (Jan 25 2018)

Tomorrow is the last Friday of the month, if you can beliebe it! [“beliebe” was a typo, but I left it for you Bieber fans.]   Which means… it’s a FREE Jeans Day! Whoop whoop!

You know what else is free?  These things on Craigslist:

A random collection of gross, worn stuffed animals.
Why?  Why would you ever think someone would want to come to your home to pick up a bunch of weird, old stuffed toys?  Oh, yup, that’s it – kidnapping.

“Yes hello, Chris Hansen?  We caught this predator.  They’re in East Van.”

Ah yes, the very expensive and ever elusive +1.75 reading glasses.

If paying $8 at any drug/grocery/dollar store is just out of your ability, rest easy.  This pair of reading glasses is FREE.  Just spend $4.10 on the Skytrain, 2 zones each way, then walk to a stranger’s house to pick them up.  EASY!  But more importantly– FREE.

Here’s just a picture of stuff that someone has for free.

Tangled hangers.
Cardboard box.
A broken chair, maybe?
A vacuum cleaner. Actually, I think the ad said that’s NOT up for grabs.

I shall assume that this hoarder just wants some help cleaning out their basement suite because they are lazy and have TOO MANY HANGERS TO DEAL WITH.

Next week = end of the month = moving time.  I could be very right about this.

Pallets.  Free pallets.

I know why these are free — for all those Pinterest DIY home things that we’re all crazy about!

“What’s that? Wet, splintery wood piled in a bush for FREE?? Yes please!  I need to build a rustic headboard this weekend.”

I’m going to pick up a few of these because I want most is for my whole apartment to look like an old farmhouse.  You know what I mean. 🙂 🙂

Paranormal Activijeans (May 3 2018)

I’m not going to make any May the 4^th jokes for tomorrow.  Don’t even ask me what a May the 4^th joke is, nerds.

This month’s Jeans Day charity is Make-A-Wish Foundation!  I have a wish…to win a lottery.  But I digress.  Please remember to drop off your toonies in the beary bank in the kitchen tomorrow to make the kids’ dreams come true!

This week I am going to share a little something from my personal life with you all (because I never do that).  It’s sort of jeans related.

There’s an apartment for rent in my building.  My building is only eight units, so we all kind of know each other and I was therefore interested to know who was moving out.  On Monday I was talking to my neighbour and he told me it’s the guy upstairs, let’s call him “Ben”, whose apartment is up for rent.  Because……HE DIED.  That’s right, a man DIED in my building.  He passed away from a heart attack and our landlord found him when he went to collect his late rent.  Now my building is haunted (I assume that’s how it works) by a kind, older guy named “Ben”.

“Where do the JEANS come into this story, Lever?!”

Thank you for that question, obnoxious co-worker.  “Ben” was a nice guy, very friendly.  I saw him on a couple of occasions heading to or from the laundry room with his arms full of jeans.  That’s it.  He had a lot of jeans to wash, I guess.  Sorry, there’s no big correlation, I just wanted to share this melancholy story and get some CLOSURE, ok?!  Today you wear jeans for the kids, tomorrow – for “Ben”.

(ghost jeans)
I won’t tell you where I live because that is weird, but if you see this quaint, unassuming historical building with a “For Rent” sign, you’ll know.

 

Séance at my place tomorrow night!  JK JK

Now I’m hoping to discover that my other neighbours are a werewolf, vampires, a witch, and maybe a mummy.  All friendly though!  And we’ll live out our days here in silly laugh-track style sitcom hijinks.  Or we’ll make a Backstreet Boys music video.  Whichever.

RIP “Ben”.  🙂

Field of Jeans (May 10 2018)

Good Thursday to you all!

This Friday we continue collecting Friday Jeans Day donations for the MAKE-A-WISH Foundation. If you wear jeans to work tomorrow, please remember to plop $2+ in the beary bank which WILL be in the kitchen tomorrow. 🙂
Let’s make some dreams come true!

***

This Sunday, in case you forgot, we honour our MOTHERS!  Don’t forget to buy your Mama a card, you ungrateful poop!  I’ve received long distance guilt from my own mother for neglecting this simple task, so I will never again forget.

And now…

Mom Jeans: A Comprehensive Study

The following illustrations are an exploration into the phenomenon that is the Mom Jean of the 1980s/1990s.  While they are indeed making a vicious comeback amongst today’s fashionable youths, these images have been sourced straight from the original decades.

Figure 1.

The structure of the Mom Jean is one that flatters nearly no one, especially those who have selflessly given of their bodies to bear snot-nosed children. In Figure 1 we see the way in which the Mom Jean masks any semblance of the female form.  Paired with old runners, this outfit just screams “meh”.

Figure 2.

The modern mother is all about practicality and the Mom Jean in Figure 2 offers an elastic waistband for on-the-go momming.  However, it’s complete lack of pockets leaves one to wonder how practical these pants would actually be.  Where would one stuff their partially used Kleenexes?  And how does one spell “Kleenexes”?

One source described this particular version of Mom Jean as looking like one is smuggling a pair of watermelons in their pants.

Figure 3.

The idea that pleats, adding more fabric volume to the front of one’s pants, will forever boggle the author’s mind.  While the model in Figure 3 looks stunning, she herself is likely a mother to no more than a goldfish.

The floral pastels are reminiscent of a romantic rose garden, one of mothers’ favourite things.

MOMS – We love them almost as much as they love us!

And don’t you even worry, DADS will be next month. 🙂

 

 

A Spring in Your Jeans (Mar 22 2018)

Ok, so admittedly, last week’s email was lack lustre (I was very busy, OK?!), so this week I hope to redeem myself.

I’d like to invite you all to hop into my Delorean time machine and explore denim ads of the past….

“Hey, Va–whatever your name is with the glasses, you’re a woman. You can’t wear pants!”

Well, 1947, that may be the case, but I don’t have a cowboy/airplane mechanic/generic tradesman who doesn’t know how to buy his own damn pants in my life.

But as simple, feeble, and meek a woman as I may be, (tee hee! *hair flip*) I will be wearing my freshly pressed Lady Levi’s tomorrow.  Whether I’m obediently grilling in my concrete backyard, or awkwardly hauling a rattan picnic-basket-for-one through the fields, Lady Levi’s are for me.  For leisure.

Or maybe for bidding your useless spouse farewell as you BBQ a salmon slab for yourself. Or maybe for walking out on that loser thereby freeing yourself of the shackles of an oppressive relationship and taking charge of your own destiny – LADY LEVI’S!

Watch out world, I’m a WOMAN IN JEANS!

Men, I still like you all.  And you may wear jeans as well.  As if you needed a woman to tell you that!