When Harry Met Salljeans

Happy Thursday / Valentine’s Day / Jeans Day Eve everyone!  Tomorrow we wear jeans to celebrate the Family Day long weekend.  Because families who jeans together, have…genes…together…. I dunno.

Hey, did you notice that polar vortex thing that happened this week?  Well worry no more because the culprit of these cold, wintery conditions has been apprehended.

frozen

Queen Elsa of Arendelle was taken into police custody early last week after police in Hanahan, South Carolina caught her at a truck stop on the lam from Illinois police. She was wanted across the continent for having temper tantrums in the form of winds howling like the swirling storm inside her adolescent heart.  They caught her before she could let the storm rage on, but unfortunately, she left quite an icy trail of ruin in her path. What a snarky troublemaker.

In an attempt to warm each other’s hearts, people in the Midwest USA started this trend on social media, which is right up my alley, called the Frozen Pants Challenge. It involves hanging wet jeans out on a clothesline until they’re frozen and then posing them on your front lawn.

Haha, they’re like ghosts in pants!  How hilariously terrifying.  That poor mail carrier.

And a special Valentine’s treat for you all – Look! It’s Durex jeans.

durex

Depending on what your plans are tonight, you may want to consider a pair.  Why is Durex making jeans, you ask?  WHO KNOWS.  I definitely don’t get the correlation.  I could hazard a guess…

“Durex Jeans: So thin they’re like wearing nothing at all.”
“Durex Jeans: They’re ribbed… for self-defense, not pleasure.”
“Durex Jeans: Tropical flavours that will get you banned from the kitchen.”
“Durex Jeans: Lubricated so you can fit in all those tight places.”
“Durex Jeans: We’re not sure how babies are made.”

***

If tonight your seductive power flurries through the air into the ground,
Your lust spiraling in frozen fractals all around,
And one naughty thought crystallizes like an icy blast,
There’s no turning back, your pants are in the past
Let the pheromone storm rage on.
The cold never bothered you anyway.

 

 

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Charlotte’s Jeans

Welcome to the February 7th edition of the Jeans Day Weekly!  Tomorrow is JEANS DAY and you get to wear your crispest blues to work.

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!!  2019 is the Year of the Pig which reminds me of a story… (cue dream sequence music)

Once upon a time, in a land not unlike a Disney fairytale, but also like a Leonard Bernstein musical, there lived a tiger named Tiger and her three little piglet wards.  The piglets befriended Tiger after each of their HAND BUILT houses had been blown down by a malicious wolf, and Tiger, a strict vegetarian, swore she would keep the piglets safe. The piglets greatly appreciated Tiger’s protection, as well as her exquisite vegetarian cooking.

tiger

They became so close that they even started dressing the same AND got matching tattoos!

One day, the tiniest of the piglets, Albert, decided that he was ready to move out of Tiger’s den to try to make a name for himself as a classical Shakespearean actor like his idol Patrick Stewart.

piglet

He thanked Tiger for her kindness and caring, handed her his tiny striped sweater, and bid his family adieu (ugh, actors).  As Albert was out apartment hunting in the big city, he found that he was quite cold and missed his sweater.  All he could find to wear were rain boots, which actually proved very practical in this West Coast climate, but he missed that sweater. (He missed his family too, but he put on a brave face for the sake of his DREAMS)

pig2

In an effort to find his own sense of style, he went shopping and began trying out different looks.  One of his favourites was his Western wear.

pig3

It made him feel like a pig of the land, and gave him the confidence to get into – that’s right – cosplay.

Albert dressed up as Harry Pigter’s Dumbleboar, Swinederella, and Minnie Sow (just to name a few) for various comic-con events.  As you can tell, Albert does not believe in the traditional gender “norms” of modern society.  He does whatever makes him feel happiest.  And although a far cry from acting, Albert felt like cosplay was what he was actually meant to do and made him happiest.  After all, there is no shame in having ever-evolving dreams and ambitions.

Anyway, after several years doing the comic-con circuits, Albert eventually decided to return to his roots.  He purchased a 20 acre farm outside the city of Saskatoon where he settled into a relaxed life of jeans and suspenders with his life partner Puff the Squirrel.

Albert’s family came to visit them for all major holidays and never over-stayed their welcome.  They enjoyed many cuddles, just like old times.  And just as his life began, Albert found the most comfort and joy in inter-species friendships.  Some things never change.  🙂

1996                                        2018

~ THE END ~

Varsity Jeans

Happy Thursday!  And the last day of January….WHAT?!
And this Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday, so here are all the things I know about FOOTBALL:

  1. It’s a sport
  2. There’s a weird shaped ball involved
  3. It is VERY popular in the US

“We Don’t have Coke. Is Pepsi ok?”

The only time of year that Pepsi seems to be winning the popularity contest over Coca Cola is during the Super Bowl.  Remember these iconic commercials?

pepsi

DIRECTOR: Ok ladies, now you’re going to take a swig from the Pepsi cans—
BEYONCE: I’m sorry, do what with this can of poison?
DIRECTOR:  Have a drink of the Pepsi—
BRITNEY:  Do you have any Coke?
DIRECTOR: *sigh* No.  Just pretend like you drink Pepsi all the time.
PINK: Like this! *chugs whole can*

cindy

I don’t have any dialogue for this. Cindy is probably just daydreaming about whatever it is that beautiful people daydream about.  Jewels, maybe? Haute couture fashion? Taking a bubble bath and sipping champagne surrounded by marble?

Is there anything cuter than Betty White playing football with the guys?  Nope.
But then she eats a Snickers and she’s magically transformed back into a young guy who was just a little hangry.  Women of the world, just THINK about what we could accomplish by eating more Snickers bars and transforming from frail ladies into young able-bodied men!  Oooooooooo, political.  No, that’s not actually the message of their ad campaign, I’m just being a difficult woman.  Blame my erratic hormones.

“I’m on a horse”

oldspice

Still one of my all-time favourite commercials – Old Spice.  This commercial apparently just skyrocketed this guy into fame.  I mean, 15  minutes of commercial brand fame touring night clubs, but that’s still a kind of fame. But when Old Spice realized that people responded well to ripped abs, they went to the EXTREME and hired Terry Crews instead.  And you can’t go up from there.

terry

wassup

The Budweiser “Wazzap” commercials of 1999 – 2002 could be considered iconic, but mostly they were also just THE WORST.  Remember how anyone in their teens and 20s would answer the phone with an obnoxious “WAZZAAAP?!”  We were so annoying.  I’m sorry to have brought this up again.  I’m a bad person.

helmets

Well these are cute!  Fantasy football helmets.  Ha, get it?!  Ok, I’m done.  GO TEAMS!

The Devil Wears Jeans

Throw your hands up in the air and wave ‘em around like you just don’t care because tomorrow is FRIDAY and it’s JEANS DAY!  DOUBLE HOORAY!!

This week I found a website that lists all the “National ___ Days”.  We’ve all heard of these ridiculous days; National Peanut Butter Day, National Left-Handed Appreciation Day, National Post-It Notes as Wallpaper Day, etc.  FUN FACT: January is National oatmeal, soup, and hot tea month — a real party month if you have no teeth.

Today is truly a conglomeration of many wonderful things.  It’s Beer Can Appreciation Day AND It’s National Compliments Day (you all look stunning today)!  What a day to be alive!  So here are some jean ideas that were likely the results of appreciating a lot of beer that someone then sarcastically complimented, but the production team didn’t get the sarcasm.  Fashion is complex and no one really gets it.  Like life maybe.  Not all its secrets are revealed to us all at once.  You’ll understand its mysteries, one at a time, when you are meant to.

MYSTERY #1:

assymetrical jeans

A co-worker sent me this picture.  She has a pair of these (I assume) and LOVES them because they afford her the versatility she seeks in her wardrobe.  One moment she might be feeling a wide leg, and the next she desires a slimmer fit, so it’s the BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!  We CAN have it all, ladies!

MYSTERY #2:

jeans1

I would have loved to be a fly on the wall in the fashion gurus’ meeting surrounding these.  Jeans for the accident prone?  They are making my guts feel unsettled just looking at them.

MYSTERY #3:

jeans5

The abridged story behind these Manolo Blahnik boots is that they were made for Rhianna and then she gifted them to J Lo who wore them in a music video.  I mean, they are a statement, that’s for sure.  And once again, fashion not for us to understand, but to behold and make this face:

wiig

MYSTERY #4:

clear

Jeans that allow the world to see just how much your legs and butt are sweating because they DON’T BREATHE.  These are more conducive to an outdoor music festival where it’s inevitably raining, not an indoor sitting-type job.  Or being generally comfortable.

MYSTERY #5:

shoulders

Finally!  A jacket you can wear so you can literally give someone the cold shoulder!
Parents getting all up in your teenaged grill? Need to let a frenemy know that they wronged you? Need to break up with someone, but you’re no good with words?  DONE.  Shoulders cold, everything else…less chilly.

MYSTERIES #5 & 6:

Is there any better feeling than the wind in your pant legs?  Or feeling feminine without needing to “sit like a lady”?  Probably not.

“Experimentation is the precursor to wisdom.  Be Bold. Be Brave. Make Mistakes.”

Maybe most of these denim trends could be considered mistakes, but all of their designers are well on their way to denim enlightenment, a state that I will likely never achieve in my plain old Levis.

An American Werewolf in Jeans

Another Thursday under our belts, which means that tomorrow we get to enjoy the treat of a Friday Jeans Day!

Did you know that the first full moon on the year, which happens Sunday night, is a Super Blood Wolf Moon?!  Which means a full moon lunar eclipse that falls roughly within the time of wolf mating season — Hubba hubba!  And in a deeper sense of things, “it’s a good time to contemplate what things — ideas, habits, practices — you may wish to leave behind, and what you want to bring into your life and build upon for the year to come”, so look to the sky at about 9:00 Sunday night and re-evaluate your resolution.

When you’re taking a break from howling at the moon this weekend, perhaps cuddle up in a heap of blankets with your favourite werewolf fiction (as opposed to the werewolf non-fiction you’ve no doubt been deep into).  Here are some popular best sellers:

paris

Classic horror novel written in 1933 involving a misunderstood hairy man preforming CPR on women in the streets Paris. Who says bad things always happen in Paris?!  And he’s wearing a suit because he’s a GENTLEMAN…and it is Paris.

king

This 1983 novel is the only book that I actually believe would be on a best seller list because it’s by Stephen King.  And yes, it has already been adapted into movie called Silver Bullet in 1985, so let’s face it, we can just skip right ahead to that instead.

falling

Themes include: A hunger that cannot be satiated, forbidden lust, fate, living two lives and/or between two worlds, shirtlessness, tortured souls, and…uh…doing it. *eyebrows, eyebrows* This is the third of SIX installments of this literary saga, so thank your lucky stars for that.

bitten

“One bite and everything changes” – the main reason why it’s so important to stay on top of our rabies vaccinations.  Let this cautionary tale be a lesson to us all, lest any of us find ourselves in some sort of wild, lusty, violent loosely-based-on-ancient-folklore situation.

hmmm…actually…

full moon rising

“Half vampire, half werewolf, all trouble…” – UH YEAH. Obviously.  But the author’s other book “Kind Guys with Great Credit and Sensible Cars” was far less popular, so here we are.  Give the people what they want – a combination of the two WORST creatures who probably ride motorcycles and don’t give a shoot about anyone a la The Lost Boys.  Gawd, that’s sexy.

capture

*Sigh*. First of all, the world doesn’t need more teenage forbidden love stories.  These can’t be healthy.  Secondly, do werewolves even have souls that they would find a mate for?  Does Jacque (which I imagine is a creative way of spelling “Jackie”) have to become a werewolf too in order to see this romance through?  Why should she have to give up her life to be with him?  SO MANY QUESTIONS.  Listen Jacque, piece of advice, date someone who says they dressed up because they knew they’d be seeing you today, and thinks your awkwardness is charming. I assume you’re awkward, Jacque.  Your name is Jacque, after all.  (No offence to all the Jacques out there)

Lego Jeans Movie

wolverine

Here we are again, another glorious, sunny Thursday afternoon!  And tomorrow is Jeans Day.

Over the holidays I saw several fun children, and several childhood friends.  It made me feel very nostalgic for the “good ol’ days” of my youth which have since been trampled to death under the crippling weight of adult responsibilities, societal expectations, and ALL THE EMOTIONS.  Things were simpler way back when.  Blocks were blocks…

blocks

Raw wood.  Naked with nothing to prove.  Vulnerable and fearless.

Then came along Lego — a game-changer.  A new means by which to explore the vast wilderness of our imaginations.

It still resulted in some crude depictions of “chickens” and “people”, but if you could dream it, you could build it.  Was/is that the Lego slogan?!  BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE.

Now Lego has become as complicated as adult life, and equally as expensive!  Look at this —

complicated

That’s a $450 TAJ MA-FREAKING-HAL!  Are the bricks made out of marble?!  This would take hours, days even, and the instructions are probably as thick as a phone book (if you remember what that is).
…but wait…
…perhaps the complexity of this Lego is the fun of it?  Maybe Lego keeps growing to continue engaging it’s ever aging demographic?  Of course!

That’s it!  Because without these new and challenging stacks of blocks, we’d become bored with life – I mean Lego.  We need challenge to grow.  We need this many options for jeans on Lego people:

Then every time you finish building something insane like the Sydney Opera House…

sydney

…you can think, “Wow that was hard, but I did it.  What’s next, universe?!” because we are marvelously complex human beings who strive to know and be more! So many wonderful options, the world is ours for the exploring!  I GET IT NOW, what it means to be human!!  Thank you, Lego.

You’re all getting some real insight into the intricate nuances of my psyche.  Now get out there and SEIZE THE DAY!

Bridget Jeans’ Diary

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!
We are back to our regular schedules and ready to hit the floor running as the new and improved versions of ourselves.  Because as everyone knows, when the New Year hits, you get to start from scratch, as if nobody knows anything about your previous 2018 life, to manifest your own, magical destiny! …right?  Maybe we’ll just start with some hot fashion-inspired resolutions, fresh off the runway.

RESOLUTION #1:  More patches.

trends 2

No need to strive for perfect in your wardrobe or life.  Just do your best, that’s all any of us can ever ask for.
And look, all the coolest kids have patches on their jeans.  The more, the better.  Just ask these little trendsetters:

kids

So chic.  And they were doing it in the 30s, waaaaaaay before any of us could claim this trend.

RESOLUTION #2: Be more voluminous.

more jean than woman

I mean, she’s more denim than woman.  And we should ALL BE.  Be the most YOU that you can be.  Maybe channel your inner Whitney from the 80s and resolve to dance with somebody.  Maybe you want to feel the heat with somebody.  With somebody who loves you.

whit 

RESOLUTION #3: Be more eco-conscious.

 THIS is why we need to resolve to A) stop using so much plastic! And B) make sure to cut up the plastic 6-pack rings before tossing them out.  A poor turtle or supermodel can easily get caught in these haphazardly discarded things, ruining their innocent lives.  Utterly heartbreaking.  Be less wasteful.

RESOLUTION #4: Always be prepared.

trends 2019

The apocalypse is coming.  That’s just a fact (see #3 re plastic).  So get ready by hoarding jeans so that you can construct a denim wardrobe to fight for your survival in.

future2

This suddenly got very dark.  But even if our wardrobes aren’t quite prepared, at least we ourselves can always be prepared with open arms to all the wonderful opportunities the universe offers.  Awwwww, I just made you shed a tear, didn’t I?

2019 IS GOING TO BE AN AMAZING YEAR!  I promise am mostly sure!

Land Before Jeans

WE’RE ALMOST THERE!  Just one more day until most of us are on holidays!  Tomorrow is JEANS DAY and, as far as I’m concerned, Holiday Sweater Day, so don your festive finery and have a jolly day.

If you have the honour of being at work next Friday, wear whatever the heck you want.  No one will see you.  Jeans?  Sure.  Velour tracksuit?  Go for it.  Rudolph onesie?  Definitely.  But I should mention that I have absolutely no authority over anyone’s dress code…

As you may have guessed by now, I’m a HUGE dork, and as such, this week’s edition of the Jeans Day Weekly is DINOSAUR THEMED!  Created mainly for my own enjoyment because I don’t give a hoot about what anyone else wants to see.  (Just kidding! I yearn deeply to tickle all your funny bones every single week)  It’s with a message of good tidings and holiday cheer for all, with something that everyone can appreciate.

Remember the things that are most important in life don’t cost a thing.  Ask J-Lo.
Mall

Get cuddly with the ones you love that maybe you don’t get to see a lot during the rest of the year.  I myself will be getting a week of Mom Time in, so you know I’ll be drinking heavily…because my mom makes a mean martini and we get drunk together while watching White Christmas and then tell each other how much we love each other.

Loved ones

Give yourself a reason to start a diet in the New Year by focusing on the three main holiday food groups: butter, sugar, and alcohol.  And in this case, dinosaur flesh.

Eating

Hopefully you all get to enjoy a balanced mix of crazy family/friends fun, and quiet contemplation.

Family (2)
MERRY CHRISTMAS!  HAPPIEST HOLIDAYS! HAPPY NEW YEAR!  Be safe and have LOTS of fun! 🙂

Cloverjeans

As I was wandering the vast, nonsensical desert of the internet this week, I stumbled upon an absolute oasis.  Get this:  Translink, everyone’s favourite local service provider, has MERCH.  That’s right, you can buy for yourself, or those dearest to you, BUS paraphernalia.  You’d like to see some examples?  My pleasure.

1.  Have a mandatory Secret Santa party with your friends who already have everything one could desire? How about a throw pillow with a bus on it.  Now you get to experience joy in your own heart from seeing their horrified faces when they open the gift. Bet that’ll make them rethink the mandatory part real quick.

bus pillow

THEM:  “It just doesn’t exactly go with our modern elegance concept.”
YOU:  “Yeah but that’s the great thing about buses – they’re for EVERYONE!”

2. This is a gift that is both depressing as hell, and also a bit thought provoking.

onesie

How did transit already steal your heart, tiny baby?  You have so much more to live for.  Sad, right?  But on the bright side, baby will quickly outgrow it and you’ll probably never be invited to a baby shower again!

3.  Now here is a gift that says “I think you are THE MOST vapid person I have ever met”. A puzzle…of bus routes…1000 pieces.  If you happen to receive one of these, it’s a sign that you need to get yourself a hobby.  People are genuinely concerned about you.

puzzle
4.  If you already have your gifts bought, but want to add a subtle back-handedness, here is the item for you: Translink wrapping paper. Shroud your loved ones’ gifts in the Translink spirit – frustration and the wet coughs of strangers.

wrapping paper

5.  And last, but certainly not least, send a big EFF YOU to the people you don’t care about with transit cards. Because nothing says “I hate you so much I actually put effort into showing you how much I hate you” than a Christmas card with a grimey Skytrain on it.  A Skytrain that is, no doubt, delayed or just not working because it snowed.  Gee, I wish I could use that excuse to not do my job, SKYTRAIN.

cards

And there you have it.  Holidays made easy courtesy of Translink!
All that being said, please be happy and kind and heart-felt in your gift giving. 🙂

Jeansapple Express

It’s a sunny Thursday afternoon, practically sunset, and time for another edition of the Jeans Day Weekly!  Tomorrow is Jeans Day, so don your dandiest dungarees and maybe even a festive sweater.  🙂

Last Friday was our office holiday party and, thanks to alcohol, I saw some great dance moves and am now hypothetically betrothed to several sons, so…yeah.  Cool…

Did you know that we are smack in the middle of Hanukkah right now?!  It’s day 6 (ok, it’s past halfway) tonight.  Which means this weekend is gonna be…

lit

You love it, don’t lie.
I’m sure our regional favourite Jewish boy Seth Rogan will be getting lit too – in more ways than one…

sesth

But it’s legal now, so who even cares.  My parents are more excited about legal pot than I am.
And in case you weren’t POSITIVE that he’s Jewish…

pika

He did dress up as “Pikajew” for Halloween one year.   So…yes.  Jewish. 100%.

But if you’re celebrating too hard with latkes, sufganiyot, cocktails, or a Seth Rogan Special, be sure to hop the bus or train home to fully round out your Seth-perience.

train

As the friendly, upbeat voice of Translink, he’ll remind you to be a decent human being on transit and almost fool you into believing that taking the bus is fun!  Until you are violently jolted back to reality by someone coughing straight into your mouth and realize that IT IS NOT. EVER.  These are the faces Seth makes when you ask him if he ever actually takes transit when back in town…

face

No?  Didn’t think so.  Stop trying to fool the financially impaired rat-racers that commuting is fun!

Now enjoy this oldie but goody from Adam Sandler.

hanukkah