Any Given Jeansday

This Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday!  My favourite day of the year!  What is Super Bowl Sunday, you ask?  Gather ye round and let me tell you a tale…

Legend has it that the Super Bowl was left on Earth by the race of giant humanoid aliens that inhabited the planet during the time of the dinosaurs.  It was used for both ceremony and eating.

Due to its magical capabilities, the Super Bowl survived the asteroid impact that claimed the lives of most of the dinosaur lives on Earth, and was uncovered deep in the mountains of Nepal in the year 1212.  As you can see, the decoration on the bowl has heavily influenced Asian art for centuries since its discovery.

bowl

Seen above with its devoted caretaker, Leon, in an undisclosed location, the Super Bowl is now used as a sort of oracle for predicting the future return of the humanoid aliens.  It’s filled with sacred fish broth, wherein Leon soaks for a full moon cycle.

 

bathe

Once the broth has become a Leon soup, he adds a carefully selected variety of local vegetables, herbs and spices, and noodles (his favourite is ramen).  Then he eats it.  By eating the soup, Leon will be able to foresee either the day the humanoids shall return, or the day that his successor will be born.

soup

This Super Bowl Sunday, a new Super Bowl caretaker will be born to us!  A child, born of bowl, to learn the ways of the Super Bowl from Leon, to someday take over his exceedingly important trade as soup soakee and oracle.  Here is a shot from Leon’s bowl birth in 1942:

child

(he later decided that pigtails weren’t for him)
So this Sunday, gather round with your hot wings and nachos, in your ceremonial jerseys, bowls on heads, to celebrate the coming of the Successor.  A Happy Super Bowl to all!

Beetlejeans

Happy Thursday, my little pretties.
There are many Halloweeny things going on this weekend.  Lots of haunted houses and parties full of ghosts, zombies, witches, and other fantastical things.  But here are some truly terrifying, nightmare-inducing, all too real haunted house themes – for the adults.

High School Reunion Theme

Remember when you were in high school and you were awkward and greasy and didn’t have a real sense of who you were as a person?  Come and relive that all over again, but 20 years later and it’s a dry event!  And in this terrifying scenario of your haunting past, everyone you went to high school with is doing really well and looking very good. You are not.  You are sober as hell, still awkward, especially greasy, and probably wearing Spanx.

school2

Losing-everything-and-having-to-move-back-home-with-your-aging-parents Theme

It’s not the worst thing in the world.  They love you so much, of COURSE they’ll take you in.  #blessed   They won’t even ask you for any rent.  But you have to ask to borrow the car.  You have to check in with them every time you go out or come home and who were you with and where did you go and who’s coming to pick you up??  Dinner is at 5:30 sharp every day.  Loud news networks are on the TV 16 hours a day.  You’re a teenager again trapped in an adult’s body.  Goodbye love life, hello celibacy.  What. A. NIGHTMARE.

parents2

Go-to-Ikea-on-a-Saturday-afternoon-to-get-one-Kallax-bookcase-and-having-to-transport-it-on-the-Skytrain-BY-YOURSELF Theme

This house of horrors has it all.  Crowds; cumbersome items;  public transit; a stranger’s wet sneezes; a lot of walking; and no one around to hear your screams!  Then you get all the way home, a transit journey that took two hours, and realize that the box is missing two screws.  Noooooo!!!

box

Learning-your-mother-was-right-about-EVERYTHING-and-her-being-there-for-your-realization Theme

Sweet baby Jesus.  This terror mansion wouldn’t be so bad if Mother wasn’t there, but to see her face as she basks in the glory of your defeat and the symphony of “I told you so-s” that would ensue… I already feel sick at the thought.  May no one ever have to experience this in real life.

mom1

Having-every-single-dietary-restriction-in-a-world-where-only-McDonald’s-exists Theme

Dairy.  Gluten.  Nuts.  Meat and animal products.  Soy.  Canola oil.  MSG.  You’re allergic to them ALL.  You are forced to sustain yourself on wet shredded lettuce that smells like Big Macs for the rest of your days.  What’s it wet with?  Who knows?!  OOOooooooOOOooo!!

The Music Recital Theme

In this inescapable waking nightmare, you are at your kid’s music recital.  Not so bad, you think?  The instrument is the RECORDER!!  And there are 30 of them, all playing the same song, Hot Cross Buns, on an endless loop, at a variety of tempos.  The squealing starts to take hold of your sanity.  But you can’t leave because you LOVE THAT KID… or do you?  Are you crying tears of blood??

recorder

Sweet dreams.

Priscilla Queen of the Jeans Day

Mamma mia, it’s AUGUST already!  What the heck?!  And did you know that this week is PRIDE WEEK in Vancouver?  It’s going to be a fun little weekend.

So I looked up what the current LGBT abbreviation is and…it’s long: LGBTQAI2S+
FYI, that’s:

Lesbian
Gay
Bisexual
Transgender (doesn’t identify as their birth sex)
Queer (sexual & gender minorities who are not heterosexual or cisgender)
Asexual (no sexual association)
Intersex (born with aspects of both male and female genitalia, hormones, and/or chromosomes)
2-Spirited (Indigenous people who have both male and female spirits)
+ (and more)

[Please correct me if I’m wrong about any of this] 

For the sake of being concise in this email, I will use the slightly abridged LGBTQ+.

flag

So you don’t personally identify as LGBTQ+, what can you celebrate and be proud of during Pride?

  1. Take PRIDE in your own open-mindedness and acceptance that all humans are equal and deserve love and respect.
  2. Take PRIDE in supporting charitable organizations that support our LGBTQ+ buds.
  3. Take PRIDE in the fact that we live in a country that allows equal opportunity and rights for all people, no matter your gender or orientation.
  4. Take PRIDE in your workplace that embraces all people because diversity is GORGEOUS, honey!
  5. Take PRIDE in all the skills and talents our LGBTQ+ friends offer the world that you may otherwise have never had the opportunity to experience.
  6. Take PRIDE in your ability to support your LGBTQ+ friends, family, and co-workers who may be facing discrimination.  Be proud to have their backs.
  7. Take PRIDE in your everyday actions and words that make the world a more inclusive place for all people.
  8. Be PROUD of and inspired by the many LGBTQ+ people who overcame adversity just to be able to be their true selves.

signs

So show your PRIDE tomorrow! And all weekend and ALWAYS!  🙂

National Lampoon’s Cinco de Jeanso

As you may already know, this Saturday is CINCO DE MAYO — a day created specifically to commemorate everyone’s favourite or most hated (it’s one or the other it seems) condiment — MAYONNAISE! 

Since the dawn of civilization, humans have sought after the ideal sauce to slather on their meals.  Then in 1717, deep in the scullery of the Palace of Versailles, a butler carrying Kind Louis XV’s lunch was knocked off balance by a cat chasing a mouse, and collided into a pantry shelf.  A mess of ingredients including:

1 large egg yolk
1 ½ teaspoons fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon white wine vinegar
¼ teaspoon Dijon mustard
½ teaspoon salt, plus more to taste
¾ cup canola oil

…drenched the King’s luncheon.  Without adequate time to prepare another meal for the King, the scullery maid forced the blundering butler to take the meal up to the king and confess that his roast pheasant was coated in a sauce of the butler’s doing.  And so up the butler went…

He served the soiled meal to King Louis and instead blamed the new sauce on the scullery maid!  The King made accusatory eyes at the butler, sliced himself a fork-full of pheasant, lifted it to his mouth, and tasted it…. he loved it!  The butler, now unable to change his story, was forced to let the scullery maid take all the praise for the blunder.  That scullery maid’s name?  Mayonnaise!  And so King Louis XV pronounced the 5th of May a day to celebrate Madame Mayonnaise and her delicious condiment concoction!

king

The Japanese were especially receptive to this new culinary delicacy and created their own adorable (of course) brand of mayonnaise which they use at every opportunity.

japanese mayo

Mayonnaise has evolved and taken on many saucy forms, like these complicated mayos.

complicated mayo

Pretentious fancy boy vegan mayo.

fancy vegan mayo

Cute homemade Pinterest mayo in a mason jar with all the organic ingredients  conveniently and neatly captured in the background.

homemade mayo

Gross combinations mayo…

gross mayo

For some reason I can handle putting these on a burger individually, but I cannot stomach the idea of the two of them pre-mixed for my convenience.  Ugh gross.  More goodies:

more gross

Mayo + ketchup = Mayochup
Mayo + barbecue sauce = Mayocue
Mayo + mustard  = …Mayomust?!

I guess the people at Heinz foresaw complications with a condiment called Mayotard.  Fair enough.

Fun Fact:  Until the writing of this email, I confess that I did not know how to spell “mayonnaise”.  And now I do!  I’m proud of me too.  🙂

HAPPY MAYONNAISE-ING!

cinco

 

Land Before Jeans

WE’RE ALMOST THERE!  Just one more day until most of us are on holidays!  Tomorrow is JEANS DAY and, as far as I’m concerned, Holiday Sweater Day, so don your festive finery and have a jolly day.

If you have the honour of being at work next Friday, wear whatever the heck you want.  No one will see you.  Jeans?  Sure.  Velour tracksuit?  Go for it.  Rudolph onesie?  Definitely.  But I should mention that I have absolutely no authority over anyone’s dress code…

As you may have guessed by now, I’m a HUGE dork, and as such, this week’s edition of the Jeans Day Weekly is DINOSAUR THEMED!  Created mainly for my own enjoyment because I don’t give a hoot about what anyone else wants to see.  (Just kidding! I yearn deeply to tickle all your funny bones every single week)  It’s with a message of good tidings and holiday cheer for all, with something that everyone can appreciate.

Remember the things that are most important in life don’t cost a thing.  Ask J-Lo.
Mall

Get cuddly with the ones you love that maybe you don’t get to see a lot during the rest of the year.  I myself will be getting a week of Mom Time in, so you know I’ll be drinking heavily…because my mom makes a mean martini and we get drunk together while watching White Christmas and then tell each other how much we love each other.

Loved ones

Give yourself a reason to start a diet in the New Year by focusing on the three main holiday food groups: butter, sugar, and alcohol.  And in this case, dinosaur flesh.

Eating

Hopefully you all get to enjoy a balanced mix of crazy family/friends fun, and quiet contemplation.

Family (2)
MERRY CHRISTMAS!  HAPPIEST HOLIDAYS! HAPPY NEW YEAR!  Be safe and have LOTS of fun! 🙂

St. Elmo’s Jeans

Good news!  You can breathe easy knowing that tomorrow you can wear JEANS to work.
Bad News:  You can’t breathe easy because half of Western Canada is on fire and with an air quality alert of 10, it’s equivalent to smoking 7 cigarettes a day.

With so many wildfires are out of control these days, thankfully there is someone who is working tirelessly to remind people of fire safety…SMOKEY THE BEAR!

smokey1

So sweet with his woodland friends, all smiling and cheerful.

smokey2

But he means business!

smokey abs

Just look at this cuddly, jeans-wearing, shirtless bear with…abs?  Am I attracted to this fictional bear cartoon?!?  No, no, no!

Yes, right, I need to learn more about him first.  What’s his story?

smokey3

Obviously he’s very brave, defending his cubs with his strong bear biceps (bearceps). Is he a single dad?!

smokey4

He obviously has a very tender heart under that furry ranger exterior, teaching his cubs that “lit” doesn’t necessarily mean a good time.

But if you cross him and his cubs and his woodland friends by burning their home to the ground, WATCH. YOUR. BACK.

smokey6

This is when the bear claws come out — Revenant-style.  You think Leo got it bad, wait until there are cubs involved.

(This poster is so sad it almost makes me cry. But I’m an overly emotional person with an attraction to cartoon bears.)

Well look at that!  He has a cabin on a lake… don’t mind if I do!  I think we’d be very happy together here.  Paradise!

smokey7

Oh wait — nope, he’s in the States.  Not going down there, thanks!   Sorry, Smokey, it was great while it lasted.  I will heed your words, but not your love.  Also, I’m trying to get away from fictional cartoon guys these days.  They’re very unreliable.

 

20,000 Jeans Under the Sea

This heat wave has got me seeking out places with watery relief on a daily basis — like the beach.  Ohhh the sweet, sweet beach.  You know what else happens at the beach sometimes?  WEDDINGS!

You know when you’re trying to share a romantic moment with your beloved cowboy boots, taking them into your tender botanical embrace on a tropical beach at sunset, but some pesky country couple photo-bombs you?  Ugh, get a room!

wedding 1

Now, I love a theme wedding as much as the next guy, but…

wedding 2

I mean, Survivor might be a choice you look back on later in life and…regret?  And what’s with the ducks hanging over their heads?  Are they actually getting married pond-side?!  Oh jeez, this just took a real turn.

Speaking of regrets, what is this pose about?  It seems like they’re trying to maybe tell a story here, but it’s in a language I can’t quite read.

wedding 3

Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” or
“I don’t wannnnaaaaa!” or
“Let’s just sit a while, my love”
or
“Babe, I’m stuck in this pit of quick sand. Go on without me, live a full and happy life.  But never take another lover, k?”

Everyone NEEDS to have a sexy splash in the sea wedding pic.  Those are the moments to really remember. But reality tends to play out differently…

wedding5

“Storm is coming in quick.  Just smile for the camera and trudge along. That, dear girl, is what marriage is after all.”  And who’s getting married in this photo? No one will ever know.

wedding4

HER: I’m a mermaid.  Wild and free and living life to the full —GAH! Help, babe!  It went up my nose.  Sea water is gross!  My veil, it’s drowning me!  Babe!  HELP!
HIM: (laughing)

Stay cool, kids!

Last Jeans Day Hero

Happy Jeans Day Eve, my little flying monkeys!  Since Jeans Day Weekly emails exist to help our office raise money for so many– let’s face it– animal charities every week, it kind of makes us heroes in our own little way.  Heroes in jeans.  Jearoes.
Here are some other heroes in jeans.

wolverine

Violent and short-tempered, but a hero nonetheless, Wolverine is a Canadian jean-wearing hero.  And he looks pretty good for 120-some-years old–that’s the effect of wearing JEANS!

Who knew that Thor was a Never-Nude?!  I guess we all have our insecurities.

thor

avengers

I’ve always thought that jeans were WAY more practical than capes for fighting villains. Who knew that Jeremy Renner had such bangin’ hips!  No wonder he’s got such a confident strut.  Poor Scar Jo though.

A baby sheep is a lamb, a baby cow is a calf, a baby goat is a kid, and

Oh whoops!  How did this get in here.  Chris, you scamp.  Stop looking directly at the sun, you’ll burn that smoldering look permanently into your eyes.
He is a Guardian of the Galaxy and a Jurassic Park dino hero, so it’s still on theme.  The theme of my dreams.

And one more lil giggle treat for y’all.  Slightly NSFW, just pretend it says “holy shoot” or “holy darn it” or “what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks?!”…

spiderman

In the Garden of Jeans & Evil

Welcome to JULY!  It’s Thursday, which means tomorrow is Friday Jeans Day!

As I was frolicking through the sun-drenched meadows of the internet this week, I stumbled upon a veritable minefield.  In this adorable, modern DIY world, it seems that some people have gone too far and are making – PLANTERS OUT OF JEANS!

WARNING: The following images are horrifying and may offend your senses.

If you share in a community garden, this gently informs fellow gardeners that there are consequences for stealing/damaging your plants.  (It involves death, dismemberment, and stuffing)

planter2

It’s also not fair that my jeans might look better as a planter than on my own sweet, sweet buns.

Nothing says “Welcome to our home!” like stringing up the lower half of a BODY and forcing it up against a tree.  Sheesus.

planter3

Bahahaha!  Look at this little comedian with that one leg up.  So much personality!  It’s almost like there’s a real child in those pants. stare

planter5

Maybe give them a back story, so we know that, out of your three (former) children, the middle planter is was Macy, the guitar prodigy.

planter6

Nice try. That cane isn’t going to help Granny now.

planter7

MASSACRE IN LOCAL TOWN: World Renowned Serial Killer Praised for Craftiness by Turning Victims into Whimsical Garden Features

planter massacre

I’m not sure what’s worse: giving them shoes, or stitching the pant legs closed.  Both are equally disturbing.

“Mom got tired of Rachel’s smart mouth, so now I have a sister-plant!”
You’re next Nathan.  Mama’s got a gorgeous begonia and a spot on the porch for ya.planter boy

Jeansrassic Park (Feb 8 2018)

Happy Thursday afternoon!  Time for another installment of “Vanessa Goofs Off in an Office-Wide Email”.

Tomorrow’s Jeans Day is supporting the BC SPCA because we all love animals so much!  So bring your toonies for the beary bank in the kitchen. Or donate here if you wish.

I also love the animals of eons past – DINOSAURS!  And I saw the new Jurassic World movie trailer this week, so I’m an excited little nerd.

dino1WHAT?! WHAT?!?

Admittedly there is a lot going on in this picture:

  • Dinosaur.
  • Dinosaur wearing jeans.
  • Dinosaur wearing jeans in a gravel lot with some tanks.

The back story here is that she came through a tear in the space-time continuum as a baby rex.  She was found in a Nebraskan corn field and raised alongside five children.  She grew quickly, as T-Rexes do, and became a valued member of the family farm.  Her one vice — besides eating other farmers’ pigs – was raiding her oldest sister Juanita’s closet which lead to quite the sibling rivalry.

Finally, one hot summer day, Rexy decided to make her own way in the world.  She bought stole, using her own intimidation tactics, her very own pair of jeans, and skipped town with a long haul truck driver named Dean. This picture is Rexy saying “peace out!” to her family.  Not in a spiteful way, but in an I-gotta-go-live-MY-life kind of way.  Work it, girl.

Moving on….

dino2

THESE!  Where do I find them?!

 

Never have there been more office-appropriate jeans.  I mean the rips are a little too Scorpio for my liking, but I could work with them.

And just a side note, if anyone finds this guy, send him my way. We will promptly get married and raise many dogs together.  Wow wee.

dino3

 

Singin’ In the Jeans (Jan 25 2018)

Tomorrow is the last Friday of the month, if you can beliebe it! [“beliebe” was a typo, but I left it for you Bieber fans.]   Which means… it’s a FREE Jeans Day! Whoop whoop!

You know what else is free?  These things on Craigslist:

animal
A random collection of gross, worn stuffed animals.
Why?  Why would you ever think someone would want to come to your home to pick up a bunch of weird, old stuffed toys?  Oh, yup, that’s it – kidnapping.

“Yes hello, Chris Hansen?  We caught this predator.  They’re in East Van.”

Ah yes, the very expensive and ever elusive +1.75 reading glasses.

glasses

If paying $8 at any drug/grocery/dollar store is just out of your ability, rest easy.  This pair of reading glasses is FREE.  Just spend $4.10 on the Skytrain, 2 zones each way, then walk to a stranger’s house to pick them up.  EASY!  But more importantly– FREE.

Here’s just a picture of stuff that someone has for free.

hangers

Tangled hangers.
Cardboard box.
A broken chair, maybe?
A vacuum cleaner. Actually, I think the ad said that’s NOT up for grabs.

I shall assume that this hoarder just wants some help cleaning out their basement suite because they are lazy and have TOO MANY HANGERS TO DEAL WITH.

Next week = end of the month = moving time.  I could be very right about this.

pallets

Pallets.  Free pallets.

I know why these are free — for all those Pinterest DIY home things that we’re all crazy about!

“What’s that? Wet, splintery wood piled in a bush for FREE?? Yes please!  I need to build a rustic headboard this weekend.”

I’m going to pick up a few of these because I want most is for my whole apartment to look like an old farmhouse.  You know what I mean. 🙂 🙂

Paranormal Activijeans (May 3 2018)

I’m not going to make any May the 4th jokes for tomorrow.  Don’t even ask me what a May the 4th joke is, nerds.

This month’s Jeans Day charity is Make-A-Wish Foundation!  I have a wish…to win a lottery.  But I digress.  Please remember to drop off your toonies in the beary bank in the kitchen tomorrow to make the kids’ dreams come true!

This week I am going to share a little something from my personal life with you all (because I never do that).  It’s sort of jeans related.

There’s an apartment for rent in my building.  My building is only eight units, so we all kind of know each other and I was therefore interested to know who was moving out.  On Monday I was talking to my neighbour and he told me it’s the guy upstairs, let’s call him “Ben”, whose apartment is up for rent.  Because……HE DIED.  That’s right, a man DIED in my building.  He passed away from a heart attack and our landlord found him when he went to collect his late rent.  Now my building is haunted (I assume that’s how it works) by a kind, older guy named “Ben”.

“Where do the JEANS come into this story, Lever?!”

Thank you for that question, obnoxious co-worker.  “Ben” was a nice guy, very friendly.  I saw him on a couple of occasions heading to or from the laundry room with his arms full of jeans.  That’s it.  He had a lot of jeans to wash, I guess.  Sorry, there’s no big correlation, I just wanted to share this melancholy story and get some CLOSURE, ok?!  Today you wear jeans for the kids, tomorrow – for “Ben”.

ghost jeans(ghost jeans)
I won’t tell you where I live because that is weird, but if you see this quaint, unassuming historical building with a “For Rent” sign, you’ll know.

Haunted_House

 

Séance at my place tomorrow night!  JK JK

Now I’m hoping to discover that my other neighbours are a werewolf, vampires, a witch, and maybe a mummy.  All friendly though!  And we’ll live out our days here in silly laugh-track style sitcom hijinks.  Or we’ll make a Backstreet Boys music video.  Whichever.

RIP “Ben”.  🙂

Field of Jeans (May 10 2018)

Good Thursday to you all!

This Friday we continue collecting Friday Jeans Day donations for the MAKE-A-WISH Foundation. If you wear jeans to work tomorrow, please remember to plop $2+ in the beary bank which WILL be in the kitchen tomorrow. 🙂
Let’s make some dreams come true!

***

This Sunday, in case you forgot, we honour our MOTHERS!  Don’t forget to buy your Mama a card, you ungrateful poop!  I’ve received long distance guilt from my own mother for neglecting this simple task, so I will never again forget.

And now…

Mom Jeans: A Comprehensive Study

The following illustrations are an exploration into the phenomenon that is the Mom Jean of the 1980s/1990s.  While they are indeed making a vicious comeback amongst today’s fashionable youths, these images have been sourced straight from the original decades.

Figure 1.

fig1

The structure of the Mom Jean is one that flatters nearly no one, especially those who have selflessly given of their bodies to bear snot-nosed children. In Figure 1 we see the way in which the Mom Jean masks any semblance of the female form.  Paired with old runners, this outfit just screams “meh”.

Figure 2.

fig2

The modern mother is all about practicality and the Mom Jean in Figure 2 offers an elastic waistband for on-the-go momming.  However, it’s complete lack of pockets leaves one to wonder how practical these pants would actually be.  Where would one stuff their partially used Kleenexes?  And how does one spell “Kleenexes”?

One source described this particular version of Mom Jean as looking like one is smuggling a pair of watermelons in their pants.

Figure 3.

fig3

The idea that pleats, adding more fabric volume to the front of one’s pants, will forever boggle the author’s mind.  While the model in Figure 3 looks stunning, she herself is likely a mother to no more than a goldfish.

The floral pastels are reminiscent of a romantic rose garden, one of mothers’ favourite things.

moms

MOMS – We love them almost as much as they love us!

And don’t you even worry, DADS will be next month. 🙂

 

 

A Spring in Your Jeans (Mar 22 2018)

Ok, so admittedly, last week’s email was lack lustre (I was very busy, OK?!), so this week I hope to redeem myself.

I’d like to invite you all to hop into my Delorean time machine and explore denim ads of the past….

“Hey, Va–whatever your name is with the glasses, you’re a woman. You can’t wear pants!”

Well, 1947, that may be the case, but I don’t have a cowboy/airplane mechanic/generic tradesman who doesn’t know how to buy his own damn pants in my life.

But as simple, feeble, and meek a woman as I may be, (tee hee! *hair flip*) I will be wearing my freshly pressed Lady Levi’s tomorrow.  Whether I’m obediently grilling in my concrete backyard, or awkwardly hauling a rattan picnic-basket-for-one through the fields, Lady Levi’s are for me.  For leisure.

spring2

Or maybe for bidding your useless spouse farewell as you BBQ a salmon slab for yourself. Or maybe for walking out on that loser thereby freeing yourself of the shackles of an oppressive relationship and taking charge of your own destiny – LADY LEVI’S!

Watch out world, I’m a WOMAN IN JEANS!

Men, I still like you all.  And you may wear jeans as well.  As if you needed a woman to tell you that!

Jeansinator 3: Rise of the Waistlines

FACT: It is Thursday.

Is it a good day? Or a bad day?  Does the answer to that question change from hour to hour?  Day to day?  I think it does for most of us.

hang in there

Tomorrow is Fancy Friday — and the last day of work for many of us for the foreseeable future — so if ‘’fancy’’ for you involves sipping champagne while drenched in all the diamonds and furs you will soon have to pawn, LET’S F—ING DO IT!!

Yes, this week has indeed been a crotch-kicker.  Somehow it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who was laid off – SO MANY people all over the world are in the same boat.  And it’s temporary.  You know what else is temporary in the world?  EVERYTHING.  Literally every single thing.  Nothing is a sure thing from one day to the next.  Even Buddha said so:

change

So every time you want to want to curl up in a ball and weep uncontrollably, remember:

shall pass

Ouch.
So what do you do when your spirits need lifting?
Video chat with family or friends.  Go for a walk.  Try your hand at making sourdough (everyone is doing it).  Make a delicious nutritious meal to keep you healthy and thinking straight.  Watch or listen to some comedy!  Suggestions?  You got it!

Taylor Tomlinson stand up (Netflix special)
Maria Bamford stand up (Spotify)
Cy Amundson stand up (Spotify)
Chris Mann (YouTube covid-related song parodies)
Pluto the Dog (YouTube)
Matt Surelee (Instagram @mattsurelee makes hilarious charts/graphs)
TIGER KING (Netflix) – In case you haven’t already heard – IT’S NUTS!!  You’ll be reminded of A) how good we have it in Canada re: guns, healthcare, and laws, and B) that you are likely 1000x a better person and sexier than most of those people.

And what can you do with your unemployed life since doing anything in public is basically prohibited?
SARAH CONNOR yourself!!  Remember in Terminator 2 when you see Sarah Connor in the hospital?  YEAH.  Nothing but time and pull-ups, baby!

sarah1

sarah2
From ”tee hee, I’m a silly dummy” –>  ”Let’s go, BITCHES!”

Don’t hold me to this result!  I’m doing the best I can with a laundry detergent jug filled with gravel and a stretchy band thing!

So that being said, the Jeans Day Weekly will be on hiatus.  Wishing you all the best and see you SOON!  When we’re all together again, wherever that may be, I bet there will be a HUGE celebratory cake!

Stay positive,
-vL

Contajeanon: WEEK 1

Since most people are working from home now, I think it’s safe to assume that at most you’re wearing jeans.  So for any souls wandering the echoing cavern of an office, this Friday will definitely be a casual Jeans Day.

Speaking of working from home… WOW, the world sure loves a working-from-home meme!

This week, bosses of the world finally announced…

oprah

To which everyone responded with, “YES! ….

evil

For the foreseeable, you’ll be getting up at 8:57 to turn on your computers and be all:

XX

To which I’ll respond with no trace of sarcasm (from here in an office)…

wonka

Then by about 11:46 a.m. you’ll peel your cat-like selves off the couch and admit…

cat

In reality I know everyone is just trying their best to do what’s right.  And sometimes that probably even works out for you.  Other times though…

oops

Remember THIS?!
May you all enjoy your steady decent into casual reclusive attire!  Stay healthy.

Pandenimic

Happy Thursday!  Well, there isn’t really any point in me reminding you that it’s Jeans Day tomorrow since only the fanciest of you are already wearing jeans.  So for the foreseeable future, the I’ve come up with an innovative idea…

Fancy Fridays

Tuxedos and gowns?  Sure.  Or maybe you’ll just brush your teeth and take a shower.  Maybe you’ll put on button-up pants and decide you have to stop doing so much stress baking.  Maybe you’ll shave your face or strap your bosoms back into boob jail.  Just make it a little ”fancy” and keep those pinkies up when you chug your coffee/tea.  🙂

I’ve had a lot of time to sit alone with nothing but my own brain, pondering these delightful thoughts:

Things to look forward to after The Great Isolation:

  • Seeing each other again in person!
  • Discovering everyone’s REAL hair colours. (Gulp)
  • Seeing the new beards and moustaches at work.
  • A reason to bathe daily.
  • High fives & hugs.
  • Cleaner air.
  • A better, more compassionate world (hopefully that sticks).

Things to enjoy in the meantime:

  • No commute – WOW.
  • Elastic waist pants!  Slippers!
  • Time with your pets 🙂
  • So many video chats!  Anyone else?
  • Opportunity to saturate in quality time with the people you live with, OR
  • Opportunity to be a nudist if you live alone.
  • The silence and stillness, and noticing the little things.
  • Creating new routines that will get you through the days/weeks.
  • The compassion and kindness of people that is SHINING right now!
  • Low gas prices – $0.999?!  How many Tupperwares can I fill with gas before I look crazy?

Anyway, there are a lot of things that we can enjoy in our current circumstances.   The work landscape is looking very different for everyone right now.

New co-workers:

New views:

(C lives in some kind of prism-shaped Hobbit house, while my ”office” is well protected from The Virus)

New wardrobe:

Kelsey

(Ms.”Tenderheart” looks sweet, but she’ll take you down!)

No one else wanted to share their current work attire for some reason….

download

…. Give it another week.

We’re so adaptable!  Good work team.  And a special round of applause to everyone still working, holding down operations like CHAMPIONS!  Thank you. 🙂

The Day After Jeansmorrow

“PANDEMIC! PANDEMIC!  Buy all the TP you can so that your final moments will be the cleanest you’ve ever experienced!!”

stock up

Why is this happening?? Is this going to cure you if you catch COVID19?? Is a clean butt the #1 priority in a pandemic situation??  More so than food or water or medicine?!?

Or is it a dad joke that’s out of control …

dad

Or is there some ancient mythical power that TP possess against the evil of pandemic viruses that I don’t know about?

toilet paper

What does this mean for your social / political status?  How high up do you have to be to have THIS?!

giant roll

Let’s hope it doesn’t come to this:

looting
12-pack of premium quilted butt tickets, looted then sold for $10,000

Only time will tell.
Wash your hands and don’t be gross.   Byyyyyyeee!

Threat Level Jeansnight

Happy first Thursday of March!
This week’s Jeans Day Weekly is sponsored in part by your local HR department…

Remember the episode of The Office called “Casual Friday”?  What, do you live under a rock?!  Get on that.  Anyway, it’s hilarious, but they have to deal with most of the office taking the “casual” part a little too far and end up revoking casual Fridays altogether.   *gasp!*

One online resources says “while it may be okay to dress down in jeans and sneakers, that doesn’t mean you should be sloppy. Remember that this is still a place where business is conducted, and in order to maintain your professionalism at all times, avoid the urge to dress like you’ve just stepped away from your lawnmower.”  I mean, that seems fair.  So let’s examine what The Office didn’t do so well on, in our own attempt to make sure we keep Jeans Days alive at our office.

Ex. 1

4

Ex. 2

3

Holy heck, I love me some lounge wear, but it is best reserved for times when the opportunity for either napping or light sporting activities are higher.  ie. weekends!  😀 😀

Ex. 3

2

While dressing like an “amorphous blob of khaki” is not technically against office dress codes, the shorts and hoodie might be.

Ex. 4

1

Never have I ever envied HR less than in situations like this.  WHAT AND HOW AND WHY?!

Hopefully you are doing better at your office compared to The Office, so good work, you big ol’ amorphous blobs of khaki.

LONG LIVE JEANS DAY!

The Pink Jeanster

This Wednesday, February 26th was Pink Shirt Day.  I’m not going to explain it!  If you don’t already know what it is, read about it here.

All the pink talk make me thing of the Pink Panther… the cat, but also the pink diamond.  Did you know that a big jewelry store chain, let’s call them Friffany & Co., released a Valentine’s Day collection called “Pink Diamonds: The Reality Collection”?  Of course it’s true, I would never lie to you.  See:

Make Up Shop Order Process Timeline Infographic (3)

Harry Potter & the Chamber of Jeans

It’s Black History Month, and Vancouver has a little history of its own. Did you know that Hogan’s Alley (see map below) was Vancouver’s first concentrated Black Canadian community?  It’s true!  Hogan’s Alley was famous for “chicken house” restaurants such as Vie’s Chicken and Steak House, which often doubled as speakeasies, where Nora Hendrix, the one and only Jimi Hendrix’s grandmother, was a cook!  More interesting facts on Hogan’s Alley here.

Hogans Alley

This got me thinking about alleys, which one naturally does from time to time.  What else can you find in a good alley?

~ ~ dream sequence ~ ~

Ooooooo, a bespoke 100 sq. ft. studio suite with coveted street-side entrance, and no bathroom or kitchen for only $1800 a month!  Local neighbourhood hooligans included, free of charge.

Perhaps a little…magic?  Now, I could go into how luring kids into an alley with the promise of magic is all sorts of wrong, but this doesn’t seem like the time or place and that would just kill The MAGIC.

magic

Similar to magic, but also the complete opposite, you might find my life*– I mean a dumpster fire.

my life

[ *Just kidding, my life is awesome.  Better than yours even.]

Perhaps you’ll find LOVE in this most unlikely of places.

love

Discarded and used up, or just waiting for the right person to come along… you decide.

Or maybe you’ll find what you’ve always been looking for that you didn’t find backpacking/partying across Europe when you were 19, or when you impulsively decide to just hike 1,100 miles of the Pacific Crest Trail because what could possibly go wrong, or when you opened a Tuscan villa and met a handsome Italian man who gave you your groove back…YOURSELF.

self

Whatever it is that you come across in the alley, may it fill you with a wonder and lust for life like when Harry first visited Diagon Alley.

harry

Bridget Jeans’ Diary

Since tomorrow is Valentine’s Day (eeeeeye rooooolll) , I’m going to focus on one particular exquisite relationship…

youlove

Oh yeah, that’s right baby!
You don’t like cheesey quotes?  Well too bad.  This one is gonna be an expensive charcuterie board’s worth of fine cheeses!

you

I think we’ve all heard this from our moms at some point.  Yeah I get it, ok MOM.  But, uhh….. yep, she was right.  AGAIN.  If you treat yourself like a trashcan, why would anyone else see the need to treat you otherwise?  Like Tina Turner says, “you’re simply the best!”

neon

Tired of people letting you down? Or not getting you?  Not know what you need?  Well you know who does…YOU!  What an utterly perfect date. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, a solo date is AWESOME.  You can go do whatever the heck you want — ponder art at the gallery for 3 hours, see whatever movie you want, eat ALL the popcorn, buy yourself flowers, go for a nice walk, maybe even… fall in love… with yourself!  OooooOOOOooo, saucy!

lucy

Oh Lucy, you’re so wise.  It’s a hard job loving ourselves sometimes, but apparently it is worth it and does work.  I suppose it’s the idea that you care about yourself which makes you care about others which makes you care about the world and planet which just makes you an all-around better human.

love me

You know what I learned not too long ago?  That you are lovable.  Everyone is.  Even if you are “weird” or whatever other things people call / label you.  That’s exactly why you ARE so lovable!  Because you’re a unique, one-of-a-kind person and the world needs that.  Now give your heart-shaped body a hug!

And like the Queen Herself always says:

ru

Can I get an amen up in here?!
Love you.

Jeansephine

This week started with a really kick to the groin with a lady at work passing away.  She was a bundle of giggles, ray of sunshine was such a delightful person to be around.  She told me almost every single week that she just loved my Jeans Day emails.  So this week is dedicated to her!

Well, we’re back to Vancouver winter again – warmer, but depressing as heck.  There’s also a new plague upon us – coronavirus –  which I think I must have (heads up) because I’m sick again.  The third Monday in January is typically the saddest day of the year for people.  It’s been a rough week.  Lucky for me, an innocent Google search revealed that there are many things that one can cry into…

google

All great suggestions.
What else could you cry into as the state of this cruel world sucks your soul (ironically) dry of happiness?

Christmas Cake (apparently)
Let’s face it, that cake is too old to eat now anyway.  May as well stifle your whimpers with it.  I bet it would feel really funny to stick your face into a cake.  You might even crack a smile.  OH!  Face cake therapy!  I invented it first!

cake

Money  Bills  A basket of old phone chargers
Dry your eyes with a pile of money? Ha!  More like bills!  But everything is paperless now.  So what’s left to catch your tears??  Why a tangled pile of old phone chargers and miscellaneous tech cables weaved together as complexly as the gamut of emotions in your heart, of course!

chargers

A pillow shaped like a dog
Why a dog?  Because it’s better than a regular pillow!  Jeez, how depressing would THAT be?

pillow

A bowl of ice cream
If I know anything, it’s that nothing and no one listens better than a bowl of ice cream.  The real good stuff.  Probably chocolate peanut butter – that seems to be the most sympathetic flavour.
(emotional eater, much?!)

ice cream

A glass vile
Everyone knows that if you’re out crying all haphazardly, that some stranger can catch and ingest your tears thereby stealing your youth.  So collect your own tears in a haunted Victorian vile and save them for your retirement, baby!

vile

You rock, J.H.