A Jean is Born

A pleasant Thursday afternoon to you all. Just a cordial reminder that tomorrow is JEANS DAY.  This week’s Jeans Day Weekly is looking at some hot blockbusters (do people still say “blockbuster”?) coming out in June.

X-MEN: DARK PHOENIX

 Oh mama, am I ever excited for this movie!  What’s not to like about a movie involving a chick who possesses more power than she knows?!  Here is Jean Grey in grey jeans.  Ok, they’re blue.  OR ARE THEY?!  *POOF, spontaneously combusts*

jean grey GODZILLA

Oh good, another Godzilla + other monsters movie! The perfect opportunity to stomp around the city in this matching denim ensemble.  You’ll be the belle of the monster ball!

TOY STORY 4

 DISNEY:  These live action remakes of our 90s movies aren’t satiating the nostalgia of the now 30-40-year-old audience and the subsequent generation the way we anticipated.

PIXAR:  This is kind of an act of desperation, but I guess we could do another Toy Story……

DISNEY:  Yes!  There’s still some story left in that cow. Let’s milk it for all its worth!  Ka-CHING!

VANS:  We’ve got a better idea…

Now those are ADORABLE.

CHILD’S PLAY

Ooooo, you know that this movie is just going to be creepy as HECK.  Horror remakes don’t mess around.  Neither does Chucky when it comes to his jeans.

chucky

Always on the cutting edge of fashion with his ripped overalls.  Remember to sunscreen under those rips, Buddi.

ROCKET MAN

If this bio pic about Elton John is as awesome as Bohemian Rhapsody, I’m in!  I thought it might be difficult to find pictures of Elton John in jeans…

Boy, was I wrong!  He certainly knows how to wear denim unlike anyone I’ve ever seen.  What a legend.

The well of my creative brain is running dry this week.  Listen, they can’t ALL be winners.  Cut me some darn slack!  Wear jeans tomorrow and be happy about it.

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Jeansferatu

HI!  It’s me again to harass remind you that tomorrow is another JEANS DAY.

I love the sunshine, but what I love more is enjoying it from a nice shady spot because my delicate system can’t cope with too much direct sunlight or else I spontaneously combust.

nosfaratu

Ok, well not quite. But it is important to protect ourselves from those UV rays and, personally, I do enjoy a hat.  Especially DENIM HATS!

Bullhide Hats Sassy Cowgirl collection

This first melon topper is from Bullhide Hats’ Sassy Cowgirl collection.  It’s called the Young and Crazy Denim Western Hat.  … I didn’t even have to make that up.  That’s all real, baby.  And you best believe this wide brim will keep your face and neck shaded while you squint at the horizon as you trotting through God’s country.  Not on a horse, just you trotting.

flowers

Another wide brim, perhaps a DIY, that screams “I’VE GIVEN UP ON TRYING TO FIND LOVE!  I MAKE HATS NOW!  COME HAVE TEA WITH ME AND MY EIGHT FERRETS!”

crazy

Hmmmm, while it says “Hide Your Crazy”, the subtext of this chapeau is that you in fact are 100% insane.  Also this hat probably weighs 12 lbs and the stubs will get as hot as a seatbelt buckle when you get into a car that’s been heating up in the sun for 6 hours. Ouch!

Yes, hello? 1997, is that you?
Everyone can rejoice at the fact that the bucket hat is FINALLY making a comeback!  Aaliyah and LL Cool J agree.

full coverage

Ahhh here we go.  A hat that protects your modesty AND your skin from the sun.  Throw on some sunglasses and your skin will be so safe, you’ll be 50 years old with the skin of a 22-year-old.  Take THAT melanoma!

ripped jeans

And remember to sunscreen under those ripped jeans!  These are some rough looking sunburns.

 

 

 

 

Freaky Jeansday

This upcoming Sunday is Mothers’ Day!  Did you get your mom a card?  No?!  Come on, it’s the LEAST you could do after all the BS you put her through.  What’s that, she’s dead?  I’m so sorry, but that’s no excuse.  You should still write her a poem and recite it at her grave.

Last Mothers’ Day the Jeans Day Weekly explored “mom jeans”.  This year we take a good, hard look at tattoo tributes to moms.  The BAD ones… because those are the most fun.  For us anyway.

EXHIBIT 1:

mom classic

This is a good tattoo to honour mom.  Classic, dare I say timeless.  This is what a mom tribute tattoo should be.

EXHIBIT 2:

bad mom 2

But here is what that can turn into if your artistic/resourceful/delusional little self thinks it can tattoo itself with homemade prison implements.  Yikes.  1974 – 2002?  More like FOREVER, dummy.

EXHIBIT 3:

And this is what happens when you’re too hopped up on Monster Energy drinks (and god knows what else) to think straight.  Is his mom a monster?  Does he just like the font…?  Is he 100% dedicated to the Monster lifestyle?  We will never know, and I’d be afraid to hear the real reasoning.

EXHIBIT 4:

pez

Hmmm…well, this one gets points for creativity, but loses them for bizarreness.  Is it an honour to be immortalized on someone’s flesh as a Pez dispenser?!  “Girl, you’re built like a Pez dispenser” is a comment NO ONE ever wants to receive.

EXHIBIT 5:

mom 1

Just a lasting reminder of how important a steady hand is for tattooing.  There is a LOT going on here and coherent artistic flow is not one of them.  Several ideas, none of them successfully executed.  But I mean, you can feel the love there which is what really counts…

EXHIBIT 6:

Ohhhhhhh spelling.  Listen, I get it, not everyone is a National Spelling Bee Champion.  But make sure your tattoo artist has a basic grasp of the language!  Use the measure twice, cut once principle.  Again, that is permanent, until that flesh rots off your cold, dead bones.

EXHIBIT 7:

AHHH!  These portraits are legit scary.  But also the most accurate portrayals of your mom if she’s a demon ghost nun, or a Doonesbury cartoon character.

HAPPY MATHERS’ DAY
TO ALL THE MATERNAL ANGLES!

National Lampoon’s Cinco de Jeanso

As you may already know, this Saturday is CINCO DE MAYO — a day created specifically to commemorate everyone’s favourite or most hated (it’s one or the other it seems) condiment — MAYONNAISE! 

Since the dawn of civilization, humans have sought after the ideal sauce to slather on their meals.  Then in 1717, deep in the scullery of the Palace of Versailles, a butler carrying Kind Louis XV’s lunch was knocked off balance by a cat chasing a mouse, and collided into a pantry shelf.  A mess of ingredients including:

1 large egg yolk
1 ½ teaspoons fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon white wine vinegar
¼ teaspoon Dijon mustard
½ teaspoon salt, plus more to taste
¾ cup canola oil

…drenched the King’s luncheon.  Without adequate time to prepare another meal for the King, the scullery maid forced the blundering butler to take the meal up to the king and confess that his roast pheasant was coated in a sauce of the butler’s doing.  And so up the butler went…

He served the soiled meal to King Louis and instead blamed the new sauce on the scullery maid!  The King made accusatory eyes at the butler, sliced himself a fork-full of pheasant, lifted it to his mouth, and tasted it…. he loved it!  The butler, now unable to change his story, was forced to let the scullery maid take all the praise for the blunder.  That scullery maid’s name?  Mayonnaise!  And so King Louis XV pronounced the 5th of May a day to celebrate Madame Mayonnaise and her delicious condiment concoction!

king

The Japanese were especially receptive to this new culinary delicacy and created their own adorable (of course) brand of mayonnaise which they use at every opportunity.

japanese mayo

Mayonnaise has evolved and taken on many saucy forms, like these complicated mayos.

complicated mayo

Pretentious fancy boy vegan mayo.

fancy vegan mayo

Cute homemade Pinterest mayo in a mason jar with all the organic ingredients  conveniently and neatly captured in the background.

homemade mayo

Gross combinations mayo…

gross mayo

For some reason I can handle putting these on a burger individually, but I cannot stomach the idea of the two of them pre-mixed for my convenience.  Ugh gross.  More goodies:

more gross

Mayo + ketchup = Mayochup
Mayo + barbecue sauce = Mayocue
Mayo + mustard  = …Mayomust?!

I guess the people at Heinz foresaw complications with a condiment called Mayotard.  Fair enough.

Fun Fact:  Until the writing of this email, I confess that I did not know how to spell “mayonnaise”.  And now I do!  I’m proud of me too.  🙂

HAPPY MAYONNAISE-ING!

cinco

 

The Giving Jeans

Hi my little chickens.  I’m back and…well, I’m back.  And tomorrow is JEANS DAY!

Tomorrow is also Arbor Day, a day to celebrate TREES!  I love trees.  When I’m depressed because my life is falling apart, I try to remember to head into the woods to be healed by the trees.  It’s scientifically proven that trees are good for our health!  In Japan, people practice “forest bathing”, or as I like to call it shinrin-yoku because now that I’ve been to Japan, I can sound like a pretentious dink about it.  Forest Bathing “is a way to support well-being through sensory immersion in forests [through] …full-bodied breath taking in the aromas of the woods, observing the branches and lush undergrowth of a forest, and listening to water run.”  Uhh, YES ONEGAISHIMASU!
(That means “please” for those of you who haven’t had the privilege.)

I’m hoping that on my forest healing journeys I’ll come across something whimsical like– oh what’s this…

vanŒs 0012

Why, it’s a tree wearing jeans.  Naturally.  Are trees feeling shame now?!   Noooo!  Not them too!

pants

Oh another one, in a cheeky Captain Morgan pose.  No shame here.

vanŒs 0017

And another! Forget the trendy woodsmen, these trees are making fashion waves of their own.  I am INTO it.  Not like that, perv-o.

jeans vinter 0590

Someone found a use for these asymmetrical jeans! I don’t think the tree is that thrilled about it either.

These dressed trees were actually part of an art piece by Peter Coffin called “Untitled [Tree Pants]”.  Ugh, “Untitled”… speaking of pretentious.

Ok that’s it. Arigato for reading!

Jeans Amigos

Well, well, well, look what we have here.  Yet another Thursday under our belts, which means tomorrow must be Jeans Day!

It looks like this weekend is going to be grey and wet, with a nap index that’ll be through the roof!  What better way to spend those dreary days than wrapped up like a BURRITO!

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines ‘burrito’ as “a flour tortilla rolled or folded around a filling”.  Tortilla = blankie.  Filling = YOU.

humanrriot

I hope the inventor of this blanket won a Nobel Prize for this idea.  THAT is doing some good in a world that sometimes feels like eating the last few bites of a huge burrito — A DAMN MESS.

titanic

I didn’t make this image, but I wish I did.  I cannot count the number of times I have closed my eyes and held a warm burrito against my body pretending it was the warmth of another human.  HAHAHA, JUST KIDDING!!!

I want a burrito so bad now.  An actual burrito.  That’s not a metaphor or euphemism for anything, just… nevermind.

LOOK AT THIS!

baberrito <– Baberrito

birdritto  <– Birdrrito

hedgehog  <– Hedgerrito

batritto  <– Flying Fox Batrrito Combo

bunritto <– Sleepy Bunrrito

cat <– Triple-decker Catrrito Bowl

frenchie <– Sullen French Dogrrito

toy <– Cutetitos?! What the actual F?!

Is it true that all you have to do to work at a toy company is micro-dose on magic mushrooms and then spitball your “inspired” ideas around a boardroom table?!  Because that’s what it seems like!  And I imagine the same goes for coming up with most kids’ cartoons.

Also, the Jeans Day Weekly will be on a two-week vacation, so you will have to keep track of Fridays are on your own for a bit.  BYYYEEEEE!

Puss in Jeans

It’s a bright and sunny Thursday afternoon. Perfect for celebrating Respect Your Cat Day and tomorrow being Jeans Day!

I’m more of a dog person myself, but really just I love animals.  And while I dream of a more open-minded and tolerant world, accepting of the pet-friendly office, in our current occupational climate, that is unfortunately just not our reality.

But this is the Jeans Day Weekly and reality is not a thing here!  So here is your cat-friendly office dream sequence.

~~~~~~~~~~

Your morning commute is slow because you are stuck in that Highway 1 traffic.  Except that today you get to use the HOV lane because you have a passenger. Burt loves going to work with you!  You wish you shared this sentiment, but alas, it’s Monday.

HOV

You and Burt arrive at the office and head to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee and catch up on all the hot goss from the office chatter boxes around the water coolers.  There are three water coolers in this dream sequence because everyone is very dedicated to being hydrated.

gossip

You get to your desk and remember you have that huge binder of legal research to review.  Ugh.  Luckily, there’s someone to help you turn the pages.  And also help keep your crippling anxiety under control with their constant need for pets.  🙂

binder

Oh jeez, so much filing to do today.  Wait a sec, Lieutenant James T. Claw, already did it all and is now taking a snooze in your filing thing?!  Such a helpful little soldier.

BF

Ah, but there are many other things to do today.  Now where are my pens and that to-do list I made….
Oh there they are.

Gary keeps your desk organized better than any pen cup ever could, and you can always rely on Taylor to prioritize all your deadlines.

And when the your computer is frozen and all the copiers around you are breaking down, you know who to call –

tech

Calista the rescue cat!  As in, she’s rescuing YOU from tech distress.
“Press this button for double-sided. Click this to check the toner levels. Now pet my head.”

And at the end of the day, when the clock strikes 5, you know you have to go home because Storm does not like you working overtime.  This little rain cloud is just looking out for your own well-being.  And making sure you shut down your computer so it can install new updates.

overtime

And off you go, commuting home in the HOV lane… happily ever after.  The end.

~~~~~~~~~~

So relaxing, right?!  Now get back to work! The reality is it’s only Thursday and there are no pets allowed here.

Jeansward Bound

HAPPY SPRING TIME!!  Mmmm, it feels so good.  And guess what tomorrow is?!  Another glorious JEANS DAY!

Tomorrow is National Goof Off Day, a day I celebrate weekly it seems, and Saturday is National Puppy Day.  So to commemorate these two very important occasions, this week’s Jeans Day Weekly is a celebration of GOOFY PUPPIES!  And before anyone mentions that Disney’s Goofy fits this description to a tee, I ventured down the internet rabbit hole of “Is Goofy a dog?”, “If Goofy is a dog, and Pluto is a dog, then why can’t they both walk and talk?”, and “Goofy is the only Disney character who has a kid, which means…” – and I emerged feeling disturbed about my feelings on Goofy.  So I’m leaving that for a chat with my therapist instead.

donuts

I relate too well with this dog.  There isn’t a bakery in town whose windows I haven’t tasted in an attempt to sample the goods within.  It is not effective.  But I will never stop.
Sorry if this image makes you crave donuts.  If anyone wants to go slobber on the windows at Cartems, you know where to find me.

dishwasher

Do I relate to this dog too?!  YES.  If the meal was tasty, you better believe I’ll lick my dishes clean to get every last bit of that delicious dish.  Maybe I’m just too AMAZING a cook. (Not likely)  Also, I don’t have a dishwasher, so really I’m just doing my future self a favour by a pre-washing.  This dog gets that and is taking initiative.

kibble

Just LOOK at this tiny puppy living out her dream!  How’d she get in there?!  I can’t even! What a clever little rascal.
While I’ve never actually jumped into my food, I have dreamt about it.  Swimming in a pool of guacamole (at no extra charge), or rolling down a mountain of donuts in my mansion’s vault a la Scrooge McDuck.  Those dreams are the best.  Now if only I could have more of those dreams, and fewer wandering-in-a-parkade dreams.  Someone analyze me.

idiot

Hmmm, also relate to this stupid-face because I also cannot pose properly for a picture.  HAHA, look at that face! I want to kiss this derp-nugget right on the snoot.

bath

Oh.  My.  Goodness.  This little idiot apparently has a very strong opinion on baths.  Or maybe just a deep affection for vintage yellow tubs?  Either way, a strong opinion. And great plank pose.  Probably has a killer CORE.

And finally…this goofy goober:

goofy dog

What even is this?!  Was that a sentence?   I’m at a loss for words.  Who and why and how?  Strong brow game.  HAHAHA!

Have a GOOFY DAY!!

Star Trek: The Next Jeaneration

My little bumble bees!  I’m so sorry I forgot to send this yesterday so you probably forgot that today is Friday Jeans Day… sometimes my damn job gets in the way.

Sunday is St. Patrick’s Day and I, for one, am not into Granville Street shenanigans, but will instead be celebrating another Patrick….SIR PATRICK STEWART!

I mean, yeah, he looks great in jeans, but that’s not why we all love him (we all love him, by the way).  Especially if you’ve seen this picture of him performing as Oberon the fairy king in A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

oberon

WOW, such…talent!  He really emBODIES the role.
That was in the 70s, and he STILL was mostly bald.  Just another reason to love him – he makes being bald COOL!

He also dressed in drag for a TV appearance which was both hilarious and very, very terrifying. This is when you wish your TV wasn’t HD.  Yikes.

drag

He’s a classically trained Shakespearean actor AND he’s got a great sense of humour.  If you haven’t seen him on Ricky Gervais’ old show Extras, it’s a HILARIOUS episode.  They all are.

He also has a very deep and very real bromance with Sir Ian McKellen. They have been BFFs since meeting on the first X-Men movie in 1999 and they call each other “Sir Ian” and “Sir Patrick”, as all British knights do.

And they kiss on the lips.  DEAL WITH IT.  Sir Patches will kiss anyone, even Conan.

But especially his wife, with whom he is super in love…

cleave

True love.  There’s that famous gaze of his, hard at work…
Oh, and the guy hardly ages!  Seriously.  His eyes are still as potent as ever.  (Are we all in love with Sir Patrick?!  Yes. Yes, we are)

ageless

So this Sunday, raise your glasses to Sir Patrick — the greatest Patrick of them all!

lobster

HAPPY SIR PATRICK’S DAY!!

 

First Jeans’ Club

Guess what?! Tomorrow is INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!  So the theme of this week’s Jeans Day Weekly is a Celebration of Queens in Jeans!

Beauty Queens and Rodeo Queens, simultaneously making the world a little prettier and taming cranky old studs.

working

Celebrate the Hard-Working Mom Queens – we all have them, and maybe you are one, biological or otherwise, and they’ve SAVED OUR DAMN LIVES on the regular.  And the Business Queens who spend their days slamming their hands onto desks and fighting for causes they believe in.

And of course, the actual Queen.  A rare sight on the beach in… jeans…?  (I hope they recreate this look for The Crown.)

queen

And also Drag Queens who make our lives more colourful, and our makeup routines far more complicated.

And for the Transgender Queens for reminding us that womanhood is individual, and that it doesn’t matter what’s going on in your swimsuit areas because, really, that ain’t nobody’s business!

trans

[These are all transgender supermodels, so eat your hearts out!]

Celebrate for the Refugee Queens who are new to this land and the Indigenous Queens who we share it with, all fighting for the chance for their families and loved ones to be safe and free from oppression.

To all the Cis Queens, Queer Queens (Queerns!), the rich and poor Queens, and the entire vast spectrum of self-identifying women in every single culture who are making the world a better place for us all to call home.  Read more about some fascinating, amazing (mostly) Canadian women here!

It’s not us against the world, we’re all in this together, equally.  HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!!

women