The Haunting of Jeans House

Good afternoon, one and all!  Just a friendly reminder that tomorrow is JEANS DAY!  Soon enough we’ll all be carving pumpkins, or I will be at least, so here is some inspiration for you.

jason

Sweet babely Jason Sudeikis pumpkin.  I NEED someone to carve this one so I can kiss it on the lips. Much appreciated, thanks.

zombie 2

If you have a giant pumpkin lying around your yard, you could whip this up in an hour, easy pleezy! Emotional inspiration?  Think, all your life’s regrets manifested as a pumpkin.  Then that pumpkin grows and grows until you can’t even fathom moving it anymore.  THEN all those regrets and poor decisions and negative feelings BURST from within manifested as adult-onset anxiety!!  The HORROR!!

dino

Here’s an idea if we pool all our pumpkin resources.  We can make a life-sized Triceratops!  Then the movie-making people upstairs will see it and no doubt be hugely inspired to create a dinosaur Halloween movie with Jason Sudeikis voicing the hunky lead dino, and it’ll win all the Golden Globes and Oscars and WE’LL be the ones to thank for bringing such joy and brilliant creativity to the world!  Who’s in?!

thing

A Jack-o-Lantern deconstructed reconstruction.  It’s the Thing AND he’s wearing jeeeaaaans!  This looks like a split second snapshot just as he starts to explode from the inside.

BEWARE:  The carver becomes the carved.

munch

The judges are expecting realism, people.  This isn’t kindergarten safety scissors jack-o-lantern giggle time.

full body

Whoops!  How’d that get in here?!?  That’s just… never mind, it’s nothing.  This guy – my soulmate—whatever — sent me this after— bleh!  Not important.  I have weird taste and he gets me.

ANYWAY… tomorrow, Jeans.  Wear ’em.

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Denimyville Horror

It’s also exactly THREE WEEKS until HALLOWEEN (but who’s counting), so I hope you are all using your time effectively and getting those costumes together.   It’s amazing the things you can do with just a hoodie and some crafty foam.  See:

sharks

It’s a shiver of sharks!  That was an awesome day on the 6th floor at the old shop.  Good ol’ days with good people.  But then your office moves and your boss and some of your favourite co-workers leave and now the days are growing shorter and colder.  COINCIDENCE??!

I made myself an Autumn 2019 playlist to help cope with all this loss.  My own stages of grief, in song form:

“My Heart Will Go On”, Celine Dion

I played this on the recorder for my boss on her last day here, the piercing sound echoing through the vast office space like a wailing East coast wind.  She loved it.

Nothing says you’ll go on like a gut-wrenching ballad associated with hundreds of people drowning or freezing to death in the icy North Atlantic.

celine

“I Will Remember You”, Sarah McLaughlin

Will you remember me?  Will you?!  Everyone says they’ll keep in touch, but nobody actually does.  Shatter my heart all over again, why don’t you.

“Against All Odds”, Phil Collins

An emotionally vulnerable, knee-crumbler.  God I love Phil Collins.  If I wasn’t crying before, I am now!  Because you coming back to me is against all odds.

phil

“Good Riddance”, Green Day

You are in charge of your own happiness so do what you need to do.  I hope you had the time of your life… here… at work.

“Bye, Bye, Bye”, NSYNC

Well if this is really what you want, then fine!  Go.  Go on, leave!  Get out of here!  Oh, you’ll keep in touch?  I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.

bye

“I Will Survive”, Gloria Gaynor

I’ll be fine here without all of you!  Just fine.  Next week when I come in and see all these empty desks, I certainly won’t be burying my crying face in a plate of leftover turkey dinner for comfort.

I will survive to wear capes!

gloria

I’m thankful for those who have come and gone, and those who remain.  A wise old me once said that the only constant in this world is change.
Have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone!

The Jeans After Tomorrow

Happy FREE Jeans Day Eve everyone!
Tomorrow is also the Global Climate Strike at Vancouver City Hall starting at 12:30 pm.  And it’s only a couple Skytrain stops away…hmmm…

Since clothing is one of the biggest sources of waste on the planet, maybe you can repurpose some of your old dungarees, or wear recycled jeans in solidarity with the strikers tomorrow.  Do I have some recommendations?  Of course I do!

computer cozy

Office appropriate computer CPU covers are all the rage this season (dying planet season).  Don’t let your electronics be seen without one!

charger

Hideous — just like most of my crafty DIYs, and the deforestation of the rainforests.

food stool

Reminiscent of the nightmare-inducing jean planters I did a whole thing on last year, here is a foot stool.  With boots.  And probably a mind of its own.  And a THIRST FOR MURDER.

S-AE20151129 patron de couture

Here is a way to repurpose old jeans AND curtains/tablecloths!  These are the pants (?) you didn’t even know you needed – UNTIL NOW.  Great legwear with max movement for kicking Big Oil’s butt into shape.  DIY them for all your loved ones.

slippers

Denim slippers for tiptoeing gently around this fragile planet.

gown

A denim gown!  This is the MOST environmentally friendly repurposing of them all!  You can reuse upwards of 20 pairs of pants for this elegant, yet sturdy, couture piece.  Perfect for storming the halls of parliament to demand change.

cuffs4lyfe

In case you haven’t heard, it’s called FASHUN.   Cuffs4lyfe.
The more cuffs you have, the more guffs you give about the Earth.  The Earth that your children and grandchildren will inherit.

PEACE!

 

The Dark Jean Rises

Holy bananas!  It’s Thursday again!  That means that tomorrow is another JEANS DAY.  This week, it would seem, is FULL of “National ___ Days”.  Look at this.

weekend

Wow.  Truly a time to celebrate everything.  Obviously my bias is towards …hmmm….BATMAN DAY.  So true to my (apparently) new form, here is an online quiz-like Jeans Day Weekly.

WHAT YOUR FAVOURITE BATMAN SAYS ABOUT YOU

  1. Adam West

adam

There is absolutely nothing in life that you take too seriously.  The Dark Knight?  No thanks,  you’re actually afraid of the dark.  Also, you like to run around town in tights and a cape and don’t care much for the gym.  The Commissioner’s respect is more important that chiseled abs.

  1. George Clooney

george

Billionaire playboy? 100%.  All day, everyday.
Confidence levels?  Through the roof.
Eyebrows?  “On fleek”, baby.
Nipples?  Highlighted.

  1. Michael Keaton

michael

Practicality is key to you (maybe to a fault), and that includes being 100% waterproof.  Sure you sweat A LOT in that rubber wardrobe and probably make embarrassing squeaking sounds when you move, but you just mosey on through a car wash every night and you’re squeaky clean again!  Also, you’re rubber and everyone else is glue.  Unkind words bounce off you and stick to them.  So there.

  1. Lego Batman

lego

You’re an idiot.  And kind of bad at your job.  Now you know.

  1. Christian Bale

christian

You’re a game changer and you know it.  Modesty isn’t one of your signature traits, but who cares.  The ones closest to you make you check your attitude.  You have been through A LOT, life has kicked you, beaten you down, thrown you in a pit, you escaped, got stronger, learned martial arts, got muscley, but not too muscley, and now it’s your turn to take what’s yours — Revenge.

  1. Ben Affleck

ben

Who?  Forgettable.

  1. Comic book Batman figurines

YOU. ARE. INTENSE.  First off, you’re hitting the gym TOO HARD.  No one needs to have knee muscles.  Second, do you get dressed in the morning, or is that body paint?  Honestly.  And thirdly, you intimidate people because a) you’re basically naked, and b) when you’re not parkour-ing all over the place, you’re striking overly dramatic poses.  You are the exact opposite of Adam West’s Batman.  In fact, you’d probably be enemies.  (movie idea?!)
Relax, laugh, have some fun – outside of the gym.

Mystic Jeanzza

It’s Thursday, September 5th, 2019, which means that tomorrow must be…. JEANS DAY!

Apparently today is National Cheese Pizza Day and it’s also Virgo season.  OooooOOOooo! There’s a dumb (and I do mean DUMB) website out there that will tell you what kind of pizza you should order based on your zodiac sign.  You KNOW I’m going to have an opinion on that.  Ready Virgos? …

VIRGO (Aug. 22 – Sept. 23):  Flatbread Pizza Loaded With Veggies   <- (not plain cheese)
Topped with: Feta cheese, cherry tomatoes, basil, olives, oregano and olive oil.
Why it suits you: As a Virgo (go on), you’re a very practical eater with a love for almost all nutritious foods. You don’t normally indulge in pizza (not that you know of, website) , but when you do, you choose the healthiest option available (you’d like that, wouldn’t you) . Get that cell phone ready (we just call them “phones”, no need to specify, Grandpa) , and place an order for this flatbread pizza loaded with veggies and smothered in feta cheese (feta?  Poor choice for a smothering cheese) .  Delish!

Guess which sign DOES get the cheese pizza?  …

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23 – Jan. 20): Simple Thin Crust Cheese Pizza
Topped with: Cheese and marinara sauce. Super simple, of course!  (as a Capricorn—HOW DARE YOU!)
Why it suits you: You’re very traditional (what?!) and like things uncomplicated, your pizza included (please, tell me more about what I like) . Keep it classic by ordering a simple (point made!) thin crust cheese pizza from your fave (don’t ever say that) pizza joint. Your taste buds will adore you. (my taste buds can speak for themselves and they say they’re BORED, website!  I need at least two toppings in addition to cheese)

Well I’m in a rage now.  Moving on…

Last week someone, let’s just call them Don Joolan, gave me a hard time because the Jeans Day Weekly has been lacking in actual denim content lately.  SO HERE YOU GO, Joolan.

jacket

Simple and uncomplicated…bossy? Must be a Capricorn.

jean jacket

Just admit it.  Speak the truth, just like a Sagittarius.

jacket 3

Play on words. Clever.  Playful.  Artistic.  Typical Pisces.

No words needed. Strong, silent type, but ready to party.  Classic Taurus wear.

pizza-umbrella

Not jeans, but horrifyingly gross.  Stay away from me, Leos.

Enjoy a slice or whole pie tonight!

Weekend at Jeansie’s

Tomorrow is Jeans Day before the Labour Day loooong weekend!

This weekend is the final weekend of the Fair at the PNE.  That means one last weekend to eat utterly insane things that could only exist at a fair.  Here’s what your carny food choices say about you:

1. Mini Donut Pops

Classic mini donuts frozen in a dulce caramel cream with cinnamon.   This treat says you’re creative and not afraid to think outside the box.  You’re level-headed and appreciate the finer things in life.

donutpops

2.  Deep fried pickle corn dog

Yup, that’s a pickle with a wiener in it, corndog style.
You have exotic sensibilities and are spontaneous.  Your bank account may be empty, but your heart is full.  Full of cholesterol.

pickledog

3. Oreo Churros
You are a social butterfly who likes to have a good time.  You’re a go-getter and not one to say “no” to anything…  Which is why you have diabetes now.

oreo churro

4. Reese Oreo
A Reese’s peanut butter cup sandwiched between two Oreos, battered, fried, drenched in chocolate sauce and sugar.  We get it, you’re here for a good time, not a long time. You live without regrets and you want everyone to know it.  That’s why you got the tattoo.

5. Mac ‘n’ Cheese stuffed burger
You’ll try anything at least once.  You’re open-minded and don’t discriminate.  You also have gout.  Please put that burger down.

burg

6. Salads & juices
You are lost.  You came to the PNE for Knit City, the knitting & yarn expo, but that doesn’t happen until the end of September.  You are disappointed.  Luckily, there was no line up at this stand.  You succumb to the reality of your situation while ingesting food with actual nutritional value.  Congratulations, you are the best person at the PNE.

healthy

Have a happy, safe long weekend!

The Adventures of Milo & Ojeans

Happy Thursday,  8th day of the 8th month, Jeans Day Eve.

Well, well, well, it seems that today is International Cat Day, and I know A LOT of you are cat fans, so…FAMOUS CATS!

download

Grumpy Cat, famous for ALWAYS looking grumpy.  With looks that could kill…any happy thoughts in your mind.  He is miserable and so then will you be, BITCH!

garfi angry cat

Gee whiz, who WOULDN’T want this cat.  This little ray of sunshine is named Garfi the Angry Cat and he has resting jerk face.  What an utter delight to wake up to every morning.  I bet he loves snuggling and never bites, scratches, or hisses at his family.  Bundle. Of. Joy.

Hamilton the hipster moustache

Hamilton the Hipster cat has a moustache, probably wears a vest, went to see Mumford & Sons last night, and works at an artisanal malt shoppe.  And just to make his point further, he also has more whiskers growing from his moustache whiskers – we get it HAMILTON, you have the biggest moustache! Congratulations.

venus

This is Venus the two-faced cat.  She is intimidating because she looks like she has powers beyond my comprehension and she knows it.  She can probably read human thoughts.  Might be an ancient sorceress reincarnated as a cat.   I’ll admit it, this is a stunning cat — and I don’t just say that because she can read my thoughts, I swear!

bub

Oh! Hi there Lil Bub! This cat is famously adorable because of that little tongue hanging out.  Ok…yeah, that’s pretty cute.  Bet he mews so cute too.  Mew mew!  Haha, aww.

waffles

AHHH!  This cat has huge eyes and tiny ears and is named WAFFLES!  Look at that chin perched on those lil paws!  AHH!  Ok I like this one too.

Princess Poppy

This is Princess Poppy, a famous Vancouver cat who calls Phoebe at our office her human.  She is wearing a dress and has a bow in her fur…. Is she trying too hard?  Maybe.  But she doesn’t look like she gives a single F about what you, or anyone, thinks!  She will scratch your eyes out with her freshly manicured claws and then take such delight in licking your blood from them, one by one.  I’m a dog person.

Priscilla Queen of the Jeans Day

Mamma mia, it’s AUGUST already!  What the heck?!  And did you know that this week is PRIDE WEEK in Vancouver?  It’s going to be a fun little weekend.

So I looked up what the current LGBT abbreviation is and…it’s long: LGBTQAI2S+
FYI, that’s:

Lesbian
Gay
Bisexual
Transgender (doesn’t identify as their birth sex)
Queer (sexual & gender minorities who are not heterosexual or cisgender)
Asexual (no sexual association)
Intersex (born with aspects of both male and female genitalia, hormones, and/or chromosomes)
2-Spirited (Indigenous people who have both male and female spirits)
+ (and more)

[Please correct me if I’m wrong about any of this] 

For the sake of being concise in this email, I will use the slightly abridged LGBTQ+.

flag

So you don’t personally identify as LGBTQ+, what can you celebrate and be proud of during Pride?

  1. Take PRIDE in your own open-mindedness and acceptance that all humans are equal and deserve love and respect.
  2. Take PRIDE in supporting charitable organizations that support our LGBTQ+ buds.
  3. Take PRIDE in the fact that we live in a country that allows equal opportunity and rights for all people, no matter your gender or orientation.
  4. Take PRIDE in your workplace that embraces all people because diversity is GORGEOUS, honey!
  5. Take PRIDE in all the skills and talents our LGBTQ+ friends offer the world that you may otherwise have never had the opportunity to experience.
  6. Take PRIDE in your ability to support your LGBTQ+ friends, family, and co-workers who may be facing discrimination.  Be proud to have their backs.
  7. Take PRIDE in your everyday actions and words that make the world a more inclusive place for all people.
  8. Be PROUD of and inspired by the many LGBTQ+ people who overcame adversity just to be able to be their true selves.

signs

So show your PRIDE tomorrow! And all weekend and ALWAYS!  🙂

Dazed & Jeanfused

We’re well into July now and the dog days of summer are upon us.  National Geographic says “to the Greeks and Romans, the ‘dog days’ occurred around the day when Sirius [that’s a star] appeared to rise just before the sun, in late July. They referred to these days as the hottest time of the year, a period that could bring fever, or even catastrophe.”  That’s not 100% accurate now since the stars are always changing in the night sky, BUT for our purposes here, let’s just agree that it’s probably hot.

Now for some SUMMER DOGS!

ice

The things you do just to be able to get a good night’s sleep when it’s the middle of summer and you don’t have air conditioning.

pool

Who is jealous of this dog right now?  I am.  It’s mastered life!

pug

Speaking of mastering– this pug looks like it’s just realized the full range of its capabilities. Plans for world domination often begin on a Seussical pool floaty…

This is how my dog Rebus swims:

IMG_5071

In case you can’t tell, he is fully submerged up to his ankles, therefore “swimming”.  The only time I’ve ever seen his whole body in the water was when he slipped and fell into a duck pond.  He hated it…and me for laughing so hard.

sprinkler2

Summer is also for enjoying cold drinks with your friends;

paddle

Getting outside and trying new activities;

lounger

Catching some poolside or beach rays (don’t forget that SPF);

nap

And of course, outdoor naps in the shade on a tiny balcony that overlooks an East Van back alley where people shoot up.  YEY SUMMER!

Close Jeancounters

A good Thursday to you all!  Good news — tomorrow is JEANS DAY!
And today is the 4th of July, AKA …

indy day

…so I thought I’d share some more of what SOME PEOPLE refer to as alien conspiracy theories, but what I subscribe to as 100% FACT.  I watch Ancient Aliens which has undisputable experts including this guy:

expert

A completely unbiased opinion on mysteries of the universe, he believes very enthusiastically that everything was/is done by aliens.  Naturally.  He didn’t have a choice in becoming an alien theorist.  His hair chose for him.

I’m sure we can all agree that something fishy is going on at Area 51, other than a “military installation”.

area 51

If I were doing weird tests on alien cadavers, I’d have some subtle signage like this too. Nice try, Area 51.

I personally like to think that Earth is just a giant terrarium that aliens created as a social science experiment.  Similar to the Futurama episode when Bender is colonized by tiny beings as he floats through space.  All of my best science hypotheses come from cartoons.

planet bender

That idea lead me to this not so new theory known as the Zoo Hypothesis that superior alien races have put Earth into “a sort of a metaphorical zoo…The aliens of the galaxy have somehow arranged things so that our planet is shielded from them by one-way bars: They can observe us, but we can’t observe them”.  Ha, OBVIOUSLY!  That’s why we never see them.

aliens-guy

Still not on board?  Well then how do you explain these Nazca lines in Peru, huh?!

nazca-lines

Sure, anyone can theorize how the ancient peoples might have pulled off these great feats, but you know what? –

aliens-guy

And don’t even get me started on this museum’s theory about the elongated-headed people of ancient South American.

how-were-the-nazca-lines-made-museum

Likely story, mainstream media!  You know what I say?

aliens-guy

Good night!