The Adventures of Milo & Ojeans

Happy Thursday,  8th day of the 8th month, Jeans Day Eve.

Well, well, well, it seems that today is International Cat Day, and I know A LOT of you are cat fans, so…FAMOUS CATS!

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Grumpy Cat, famous for ALWAYS looking grumpy.  With looks that could kill…any happy thoughts in your mind.  He is miserable and so then will you be, BITCH!

garfi angry cat

Gee whiz, who WOULDN’T want this cat.  This little ray of sunshine is named Garfi the Angry Cat and he has resting jerk face.  What an utter delight to wake up to every morning.  I bet he loves snuggling and never bites, scratches, or hisses at his family.  Bundle. Of. Joy.

Hamilton the hipster moustache

Hamilton the Hipster cat has a moustache, probably wears a vest, went to see Mumford & Sons last night, and works at an artisanal malt shoppe.  And just to make his point further, he also has more whiskers growing from his moustache whiskers – we get it HAMILTON, you have the biggest moustache! Congratulations.

venus

This is Venus the two-faced cat.  She is intimidating because she looks like she has powers beyond my comprehension and she knows it.  She can probably read human thoughts.  Might be an ancient sorceress reincarnated as a cat.   I’ll admit it, this is a stunning cat — and I don’t just say that because she can read my thoughts, I swear!

bub

Oh! Hi there Lil Bub! This cat is famously adorable because of that little tongue hanging out.  Ok…yeah, that’s pretty cute.  Bet he mews so cute too.  Mew mew!  Haha, aww.

waffles

AHHH!  This cat has huge eyes and tiny ears and is named WAFFLES!  Look at that chin perched on those lil paws!  AHH!  Ok I like this one too.

Princess Poppy

This is Princess Poppy, a famous Vancouver cat who calls Phoebe at our office her human.  She is wearing a dress and has a bow in her fur…. Is she trying too hard?  Maybe.  But she doesn’t look like she gives a single F about what you, or anyone, thinks!  She will scratch your eyes out with her freshly manicured claws and then take such delight in licking your blood from them, one by one.  I’m a dog person.

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Priscilla Queen of the Jeans Day

Mamma mia, it’s AUGUST already!  What the heck?!  And did you know that this week is PRIDE WEEK in Vancouver?  It’s going to be a fun little weekend.

So I looked up what the current LGBT abbreviation is and…it’s long: LGBTQAI2S+
FYI, that’s:

Lesbian
Gay
Bisexual
Transgender (doesn’t identify as their birth sex)
Queer (sexual & gender minorities who are not heterosexual or cisgender)
Asexual (no sexual association)
Intersex (born with aspects of both male and female genitalia, hormones, and/or chromosomes)
2-Spirited (Indigenous people who have both male and female spirits)
+ (and more)

[Please correct me if I’m wrong about any of this] 

For the sake of being concise in this email, I will use the slightly abridged LGBTQ+.

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So you don’t personally identify as LGBTQ+, what can you celebrate and be proud of during Pride?

  1. Take PRIDE in your own open-mindedness and acceptance that all humans are equal and deserve love and respect.
  2. Take PRIDE in supporting charitable organizations that support our LGBTQ+ buds.
  3. Take PRIDE in the fact that we live in a country that allows equal opportunity and rights for all people, no matter your gender or orientation.
  4. Take PRIDE in your workplace that embraces all people because diversity is GORGEOUS, honey!
  5. Take PRIDE in all the skills and talents our LGBTQ+ friends offer the world that you may otherwise have never had the opportunity to experience.
  6. Take PRIDE in your ability to support your LGBTQ+ friends, family, and co-workers who may be facing discrimination.  Be proud to have their backs.
  7. Take PRIDE in your everyday actions and words that make the world a more inclusive place for all people.
  8. Be PROUD of and inspired by the many LGBTQ+ people who overcame adversity just to be able to be their true selves.

signs

So show your PRIDE tomorrow! And all weekend and ALWAYS!  🙂

Dazed & Jeanfused

We’re well into July now and the dog days of summer are upon us.  National Geographic says “to the Greeks and Romans, the ‘dog days’ occurred around the day when Sirius [that’s a star] appeared to rise just before the sun, in late July. They referred to these days as the hottest time of the year, a period that could bring fever, or even catastrophe.”  That’s not 100% accurate now since the stars are always changing in the night sky, BUT for our purposes here, let’s just agree that it’s probably hot.

Now for some SUMMER DOGS!

ice

The things you do just to be able to get a good night’s sleep when it’s the middle of summer and you don’t have air conditioning.

pool

Who is jealous of this dog right now?  I am.  It’s mastered life!

pug

Speaking of mastering– this pug looks like it’s just realized the full range of its capabilities. Plans for world domination often begin on a Seussical pool floaty…

This is how my dog Rebus swims:

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In case you can’t tell, he is fully submerged up to his ankles, therefore “swimming”.  The only time I’ve ever seen his whole body in the water was when he slipped and fell into a duck pond.  He hated it…and me for laughing so hard.

sprinkler2

Summer is also for enjoying cold drinks with your friends;

paddle

Getting outside and trying new activities;

lounger

Catching some poolside or beach rays (don’t forget that SPF);

nap

And of course, outdoor naps in the shade on a tiny balcony that overlooks an East Van back alley where people shoot up.  YEY SUMMER!

Close Jeancounters

A good Thursday to you all!  Good news — tomorrow is JEANS DAY!
And today is the 4th of July, AKA …

indy day

…so I thought I’d share some more of what SOME PEOPLE refer to as alien conspiracy theories, but what I subscribe to as 100% FACT.  I watch Ancient Aliens which has undisputable experts including this guy:

expert

A completely unbiased opinion on mysteries of the universe, he believes very enthusiastically that everything was/is done by aliens.  Naturally.  He didn’t have a choice in becoming an alien theorist.  His hair chose for him.

I’m sure we can all agree that something fishy is going on at Area 51, other than a “military installation”.

area 51

If I were doing weird tests on alien cadavers, I’d have some subtle signage like this too. Nice try, Area 51.

I personally like to think that Earth is just a giant terrarium that aliens created as a social science experiment.  Similar to the Futurama episode when Bender is colonized by tiny beings as he floats through space.  All of my best science hypotheses come from cartoons.

planet bender

That idea lead me to this not so new theory known as the Zoo Hypothesis that superior alien races have put Earth into “a sort of a metaphorical zoo…The aliens of the galaxy have somehow arranged things so that our planet is shielded from them by one-way bars: They can observe us, but we can’t observe them”.  Ha, OBVIOUSLY!  That’s why we never see them.

aliens-guy

Still not on board?  Well then how do you explain these Nazca lines in Peru, huh?!

nazca-lines

Sure, anyone can theorize how the ancient peoples might have pulled off these great feats, but you know what? –

aliens-guy

And don’t even get me started on this museum’s theory about the elongated-headed people of ancient South American.

how-were-the-nazca-lines-made-museum

Likely story, mainstream media!  You know what I say?

aliens-guy

Good night!

So I Married a Jeans Murderer

This weekend is the CANADA DAY long weekend!  Woo woo woo!  So let’s celebrate the way only Canadians can!

  1. Wear all your plaid flannel and pretend you enjoy sleeping on the ground out in the true north, strong and free.  That’s what I’ll be doing.  I love waking up with sore bones!  CANADA!

    camp

  2. Go axe throwing like a lumberjack.  Or an axe murderer.  Then watch So I Married an Axe Murderer starring one of my personal favourite Canadian comedians, Mike Myers.

    axe

  3. Get frostbite.  Ok it might be a little late for this one, and also we’re
    not in the right climate.  But if you’re truly committed, there are ways.

    frozen

  4. Say “sorry” when someone aggressively rams you on the street.  So damn apologetic!  Sorry for swearing.

    sorry

  5. Crack an ice cold beer and play (street) hockey.

  6. High five your indigenous friends and say “wow, are we ever fortunate to be able to enjoy this place we call Canada together!”

    flag

  7. Eat some ketchup and all-dressed chips and a box of Smarties, and wash it all down with a (gross) double-double from Timmy’s.  Mmmmm…All-Dressed, BABY!

  8. Celebrate John A. MacDonald being taken off our ten dollar bill and replaced with the much more deserving Viola Desmond.  Hooray for progress!

    old-ten-dollar-bill

  9. Celebrate your own cultural upbringing because Canada is a beautiful mosaic of people 🙂

    mosaic

  10. Pay for everything in loonies and toonies this weekend.  People will love that.
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Now enjoy this cheeky, completely stereotype-free video on how to be Canadian.

HAPPY CANADA DAY!

 

I Know What You Did Last Jeans Day

Tomorrow is also the Summer Solstice, the day of the year with the most daylight hours!  How will you celebrate?

Maybe you’ll celebrate with some traditional bannock / fry bread since it’s also National Indigenous People’s Day in Canada.

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Or will you dance around a Maypole like the Celtic and Scandinavians who just appreciate a good ol’ fashioned hand-holding dance?  Who doesn’t?!  Flowers in the hair are require.

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By (again) putting flowers in your hair and dancing naked around a fire with your coven celebrating the Wiccan Sabbat of Litha? Just kidding, you don’t have to be naked.  But you do need flowers in your hair.

original

Perhaps you will catch up on all your conspiracy theories about Stonehenge, Easter Island, and the Great Pyramids, and how they were built by a superior alien race that humans saw as gods, and how those great structures were built to align with the sun on the days of the solstices to communicate with said gods and they still do, even to this day due to such precise geometry and ALIENS.

But I know most of you will be exercising your rights to free speech as you, yet again, try to convince the rest of us that the Earth is flat.  Which makes complete sense since the North Pole sits roughly at the center of the planetary disc (extreme eye roll), while Antarctica forms a giant ice wall along the planet’s circumference (my eyes already hurt too much from that last roll). And while a fool like me might envision the sun as an enormous ball of exploding gas 150 million Km away, a Flat-Earther would see it as a teeny, tiny spotlight about 52 Km in diameter, hovering about 5,000 Km over the Earth, depending on the month.   Ohhhh I get it, like a bobbing, flaming helium balloon on a string, the sun just bounces around creating light and the change in seasons.

flat

Sure.  (my eyes just popped straight out of my skull)

I’m never out to offend anyone with these emails, but if you’re a Flat-Earther…  I… don’t get you.

solstice

 

A Jean is Born

A pleasant Thursday afternoon to you all. Just a cordial reminder that tomorrow is JEANS DAY.  This week’s Jeans Day Weekly is looking at some hot blockbusters (do people still say “blockbuster”?) coming out in June.

X-MEN: DARK PHOENIX

 Oh mama, am I ever excited for this movie!  What’s not to like about a movie involving a chick who possesses more power than she knows?!  Here is Jean Grey in grey jeans.  Ok, they’re blue.  OR ARE THEY?!  *POOF, spontaneously combusts*

jean grey GODZILLA

Oh good, another Godzilla + other monsters movie! The perfect opportunity to stomp around the city in this matching denim ensemble.  You’ll be the belle of the monster ball!

TOY STORY 4

 DISNEY:  These live action remakes of our 90s movies aren’t satiating the nostalgia of the now 30-40-year-old audience and the subsequent generation the way we anticipated.

PIXAR:  This is kind of an act of desperation, but I guess we could do another Toy Story……

DISNEY:  Yes!  There’s still some story left in that cow. Let’s milk it for all its worth!  Ka-CHING!

VANS:  We’ve got a better idea…

Now those are ADORABLE.

CHILD’S PLAY

Ooooo, you know that this movie is just going to be creepy as HECK.  Horror remakes don’t mess around.  Neither does Chucky when it comes to his jeans.

chucky

Always on the cutting edge of fashion with his ripped overalls.  Remember to sunscreen under those rips, Buddi.

ROCKET MAN

If this bio pic about Elton John is as awesome as Bohemian Rhapsody, I’m in!  I thought it might be difficult to find pictures of Elton John in jeans…

Boy, was I wrong!  He certainly knows how to wear denim unlike anyone I’ve ever seen.  What a legend.

The well of my creative brain is running dry this week.  Listen, they can’t ALL be winners.  Cut me some darn slack!  Wear jeans tomorrow and be happy about it.

Jeansferatu

HI!  It’s me again to harass remind you that tomorrow is another JEANS DAY.

I love the sunshine, but what I love more is enjoying it from a nice shady spot because my delicate system can’t cope with too much direct sunlight or else I spontaneously combust.

nosfaratu

Ok, well not quite. But it is important to protect ourselves from those UV rays and, personally, I do enjoy a hat.  Especially DENIM HATS!

Bullhide Hats Sassy Cowgirl collection

This first melon topper is from Bullhide Hats’ Sassy Cowgirl collection.  It’s called the Young and Crazy Denim Western Hat.  … I didn’t even have to make that up.  That’s all real, baby.  And you best believe this wide brim will keep your face and neck shaded while you squint at the horizon as you trotting through God’s country.  Not on a horse, just you trotting.

flowers

Another wide brim, perhaps a DIY, that screams “I’VE GIVEN UP ON TRYING TO FIND LOVE!  I MAKE HATS NOW!  COME HAVE TEA WITH ME AND MY EIGHT FERRETS!”

crazy

Hmmmm, while it says “Hide Your Crazy”, the subtext of this chapeau is that you in fact are 100% insane.  Also this hat probably weighs 12 lbs and the stubs will get as hot as a seatbelt buckle when you get into a car that’s been heating up in the sun for 6 hours. Ouch!

Yes, hello? 1997, is that you?
Everyone can rejoice at the fact that the bucket hat is FINALLY making a comeback!  Aaliyah and LL Cool J agree.

full coverage

Ahhh here we go.  A hat that protects your modesty AND your skin from the sun.  Throw on some sunglasses and your skin will be so safe, you’ll be 50 years old with the skin of a 22-year-old.  Take THAT melanoma!

ripped jeans

And remember to sunscreen under those ripped jeans!  These are some rough looking sunburns.

 

 

 

 

Freaky Jeansday

This upcoming Sunday is Mothers’ Day!  Did you get your mom a card?  No?!  Come on, it’s the LEAST you could do after all the BS you put her through.  What’s that, she’s dead?  I’m so sorry, but that’s no excuse.  You should still write her a poem and recite it at her grave.

Last Mothers’ Day the Jeans Day Weekly explored “mom jeans”.  This year we take a good, hard look at tattoo tributes to moms.  The BAD ones… because those are the most fun.  For us anyway.

EXHIBIT 1:

mom classic

This is a good tattoo to honour mom.  Classic, dare I say timeless.  This is what a mom tribute tattoo should be.

EXHIBIT 2:

bad mom 2

But here is what that can turn into if your artistic/resourceful/delusional little self thinks it can tattoo itself with homemade prison implements.  Yikes.  1974 – 2002?  More like FOREVER, dummy.

EXHIBIT 3:

And this is what happens when you’re too hopped up on Monster Energy drinks (and god knows what else) to think straight.  Is his mom a monster?  Does he just like the font…?  Is he 100% dedicated to the Monster lifestyle?  We will never know, and I’d be afraid to hear the real reasoning.

EXHIBIT 4:

pez

Hmmm…well, this one gets points for creativity, but loses them for bizarreness.  Is it an honour to be immortalized on someone’s flesh as a Pez dispenser?!  “Girl, you’re built like a Pez dispenser” is a comment NO ONE ever wants to receive.

EXHIBIT 5:

mom 1

Just a lasting reminder of how important a steady hand is for tattooing.  There is a LOT going on here and coherent artistic flow is not one of them.  Several ideas, none of them successfully executed.  But I mean, you can feel the love there which is what really counts…

EXHIBIT 6:

Ohhhhhhh spelling.  Listen, I get it, not everyone is a National Spelling Bee Champion.  But make sure your tattoo artist has a basic grasp of the language!  Use the measure twice, cut once principle.  Again, that is permanent, until that flesh rots off your cold, dead bones.

EXHIBIT 7:

AHHH!  These portraits are legit scary.  But also the most accurate portrayals of your mom if she’s a demon ghost nun, or a Doonesbury cartoon character.

HAPPY MATHERS’ DAY
TO ALL THE MATERNAL ANGLES!

National Lampoon’s Cinco de Jeanso

As you may already know, this Saturday is CINCO DE MAYO — a day created specifically to commemorate everyone’s favourite or most hated (it’s one or the other it seems) condiment — MAYONNAISE! 

Since the dawn of civilization, humans have sought after the ideal sauce to slather on their meals.  Then in 1717, deep in the scullery of the Palace of Versailles, a butler carrying Kind Louis XV’s lunch was knocked off balance by a cat chasing a mouse, and collided into a pantry shelf.  A mess of ingredients including:

1 large egg yolk
1 ½ teaspoons fresh lemon juice
1 teaspoon white wine vinegar
¼ teaspoon Dijon mustard
½ teaspoon salt, plus more to taste
¾ cup canola oil

…drenched the King’s luncheon.  Without adequate time to prepare another meal for the King, the scullery maid forced the blundering butler to take the meal up to the king and confess that his roast pheasant was coated in a sauce of the butler’s doing.  And so up the butler went…

He served the soiled meal to King Louis and instead blamed the new sauce on the scullery maid!  The King made accusatory eyes at the butler, sliced himself a fork-full of pheasant, lifted it to his mouth, and tasted it…. he loved it!  The butler, now unable to change his story, was forced to let the scullery maid take all the praise for the blunder.  That scullery maid’s name?  Mayonnaise!  And so King Louis XV pronounced the 5th of May a day to celebrate Madame Mayonnaise and her delicious condiment concoction!

king

The Japanese were especially receptive to this new culinary delicacy and created their own adorable (of course) brand of mayonnaise which they use at every opportunity.

japanese mayo

Mayonnaise has evolved and taken on many saucy forms, like these complicated mayos.

complicated mayo

Pretentious fancy boy vegan mayo.

fancy vegan mayo

Cute homemade Pinterest mayo in a mason jar with all the organic ingredients  conveniently and neatly captured in the background.

homemade mayo

Gross combinations mayo…

gross mayo

For some reason I can handle putting these on a burger individually, but I cannot stomach the idea of the two of them pre-mixed for my convenience.  Ugh gross.  More goodies:

more gross

Mayo + ketchup = Mayochup
Mayo + barbecue sauce = Mayocue
Mayo + mustard  = …Mayomust?!

I guess the people at Heinz foresaw complications with a condiment called Mayotard.  Fair enough.

Fun Fact:  Until the writing of this email, I confess that I did not know how to spell “mayonnaise”.  And now I do!  I’m proud of me too.  🙂

HAPPY MAYONNAISE-ING!

cinco